Things change, things stay the same.

Last week Opie left the dorm to go to cell block. For some reason he decided he didn't want to work anymore, so he just stayed in the dorm, racked up a few disciplinary cases, and went to cell block.I really don't know what's going on with that guy. I tried to bring him around and make him realize what he was doing but he didn't care. He always has to be talking to someone so I don't know know why he went to cell block where he'll probably be in a cell on his own. I hope he comes aorund eventually because that kind of attitude gets nobody anywhere.

Since Opie left, the light used for tattooing blew out and a couple of other guys got moved out. Now the dorm is much quieter. I'm really enjoying the peace (relative peace; the TV is always on and guys are always talking) and have finished quite a few things. I've been reading and writing more. I plan to finish Gulag Archipelago by this weekend so I can move on to lighter fare, and the parole packet has been coming together, too. I hope this quiet lasts for a long time to come.

Changes afoot

I had an amazing event occur two days ago. The lieutenant in charge of the shower crew pulled me aside at dinner to ask if I thought it would be possible to clean the entire unit with only ten workers.

"Sure," I replied, "but the showers need to get completely clean first. In their current condition we'll be out all night."

"Okay. I was thinking about moving shower crew back to south hall - where you used to be. Do you think you can find ten hard workers?"

"Yes, sir."

"Alright. Give me a list on Sunday night of the guys you want down there with you. Make sure four of them are minorities, too."

I had just been asked to create my own custom dorm, unheard of for any inmate. I chose quite a few quickly, friends that I play games with and also work alongside. For the last five I was stuck so I asked a few guys around the dorm and got four more.

I couldn't figure out or persuade anyone to fill the last spot so I prayed about it, left the spot blank, and turned in my list. I hope we willl move quickly. This dorm is getting crazy with tattooing, smoiking, and just plain craziness. A small, quiet dorm would be a real blessing.

Yielding to Time *

Today marks two years of my being incarcerated. By no means have those years been easy, but I owe a lot to family and friends for making my time here more comfortable with letters, visits, commissary, books and prayers. I've also done as much as I can to make this time productive by reading, taking college classes and researching schools for when I get out.

I spent five months in county jail before boarding a bus in chains to be herded like cattle at an intake facility. I moved from cage to cage for twelve hours answering surveys, getting my head shaved, showering ina crowd, receiving clothes, and finally going to a dorm. I stayed at the intake facility for about two weeks as the system took blood, did physical and psychological testing and interviewed me.

Next I went to a unit in east Texas where I was in the "hoe squad", doing the farmwork outside. I liked the hoe squad because we worked outside and with our hands, even if we didn't really have a purpose for working most of the time. That unit is where I started my heavy reading. I ended up finishing 60 books in 2008, far more than I could have ever read outside or even imagined reading in one year.

In March of last year I arrived at my current unit. I moved around to four different dorms in my first four months - one because of a fight, one because the dorm became a kitchen workers' dorm, and one move for a job change to my current job on the shower crew. Here I could play soccer and run every day and in August I started college classes, which has been the best use of my time so far. I should receive my associates of arts degree this summer.

Now I look forward to possibly seeing parole this fall. I have extreme gratitude for everyone who has written letters on my behalf to the parole board. I'm hopeful for a positive answer and release this winter. Until then, I stay in the Word and continue to try to impact the guys around me for the better. Thank y'all for your support and prayers for me and my family!

* Who forces time is pushed back by time; who yields to time finds time on his side. ~The Talmud

Trig class + new dorm = challenges!

I missed half my Trigonometry class on Tuesday because of the move and today I missed another half of class due to sleep. I had asked the two guys who bunk on either side of me and have school at the same time to wake me up when classes are called out. My class started at 8:30 AM.

I woke up at 9:00, looked to my sides and saw both guys were gone. They left me behind. I asked Rabbit, who was awake and writing, if they had tried to waken me or if a guard called me for class. Nope. At this point I figured that class was canceled because the guards usually call out all the bunk numbers for whoever goes to class. I rolled over and drifted off again.

In about five minutes I was wakened by Rabbit and a guard at the door yelling for me to get up and out to class. I guess I did have class after all. I hurried to get dressed and out the door. I made it just before count started, which would have delayed me even further.

This new dorm is wreaking havoc on my sleep. I've only had four or five hours of sleep per day since arriving here, often waking up to loud banging on the walls. I think the noise drowned out the call for school this morning, which is not good. I can't afford to miss much class, even if I am comfortable in class. I hope we get moved back south soon.

Contraband Bleach

Last Friday a few of the guys were playing hacky sack in the dorm when one of the guards came in. The guard didn't care that they were playing until someone tried to hide the sack from her. Then she pulled the guys who were playing into the hall to talk. After a couple minutes she came in and searched their bunks just because they tried to hide the hacky sack.

We thought that was the end of it but she came back about ten minutes later with a guard-in-training to search everyone else's bunks. I had a latex glove that had some bleach in it that I use to clean my clothes and the dorm. I got it when we went to work in the hall from a bucket that they were about to toss out. We don't get the cleaning supplies we need for the dorm, so we make do. The guard took the glove with bleach and wrote me a case for it because it is a substance not sold on commissary.

Today I was called down to the captain's office to receive the disposition. When I came in, the captain asked why I had the bleach so I told him. He said he was surprised that the guard wrote the case and that if I get anymore bleach, to use it quickly or make sure it won't be found. My punishment is fifteen days of commissary restriction, which is okay because I have enough food and writing supplies for now.

Some guys asked me why I had contraband if I am a Christian. My answer was: the state is not supplying us with the necessary cleaning products for our dorm and I didn't steal the bleach like so many other guys do. I know it was against the rules, but I made the decision to not lie about it and accept whatever punishment the authority handed down. I wish the state would follow through with its responsibilities, but I will gladly take this hit for them, my first on this unit.

Hacky Sack

This morning when I came in from a chilly rec at 8:30, Opie, Bob, Rabbit, and Two were playing hacky sack. Rabbit had cut a hole in a sock with a razor blade from an extra state razor.He put Ramen noodle soup inside in lieu of beans and sewed it up with another layer of sock on the outside. It was a little limp, but very nice work.

Within five minutes I had worked the chill out of my bones moving around, keeping the sack in the air. None of us are too good at hacky sack, but Rabbit, Bob and I have a bit more control - much needed to avoid the water hazards of the toilet and mop bucket. We didn't have much freedom because the dayroom is small with tables on either wall. I kicked the metal tables several times and I think everyone hit the ceiling with the sack at least twice. We also had to stay quiet because half the dorm was still asleep after working last night.

While unsanctioned in prison, hacky sack is a great diversion and time-waster. We played for at least an hour and a half - the only way I knew how much time had passed was by the number of cartoons that had passed on TV. Prison brings out creativity and strange ways of doing things.

New Roomies

I came back from my morning anthropology class and half the dorm had move slips. All but one of the new guys moved out and the one that stayed is trying to move. That means no more yelling at the TV during football games and banging beats all night. Maybe I'll get some sleep.

One of the guys that moved in is a friend and fellow nerd. We're also in the anthropology class together so I can help him study. That addition makes the dorm more interesting, at least for me. It will be nice to have a guy to talk games, movies, and books with.

Alone. Separate.

This morning I woke up for lunch and another guy was gone with all his stuff. He is a member of the neo-Nazi so I figured he had been taken for involvement in gang activity. I found out that Tex was put in the highest level of protective custody, which means his life is thought to be in danger and he will never be placed in general population in prison again. That's a hard way to do time.

Late in the afternoon, the guy taken this morning was brought back to the dorm with his property. He's not moving. Along with several other guys connected to the neo-Nazi group, he was interviewed by the gang investigator and had all his property searched, including every letter and piece of paperwork. He is under the impression that he will be confirmed as a gang member and shipped off the unit within a few weeks, While all this is going on, he still has six disciplinary cases pending and is waiting to go to segregation. Some guys just seem too far gone and will never learn. I hope he's not one of those, for his own sake.

Guys on the move

Today in my little ten-man dorm, four people left for various reasons. We still have three empty bunks, which is an amazing feat even for the twenty-eight-man dorms. Here's how it happened:

Jimmy, one of my friends and a fellow Christian, completes his two years on a transfer unit in a few weeks. In the Texas prison system, an inmate doesn't go straight to a regular unit with the guys who have long sentences until they stay in transfer units for their first two years. So Jimmy left this morning to be reclassified for his time at a a regular unit. That's one.

The second guy to move was Knox, one of the kill-shot guys. He went to a different dorm because he didn't want to be on the shower crew any longer and traded places with someone who did want to be on the shower crew. That's two and explains the filled bunk.

The last two guys to move were Tex and Ugly and their story is a bit more complicated. It seems that Tex said some things about a neo-Nazi group that they didn't like. Ugly is a prospective member of the neo-Nazis, kind of like rushing a fraternity, except instead of stupid hazing pranks, the neo-Nazis told him that he had to be the one to discipline Tex. So, in the evening Ugly started a short-lived fight that looked more like just grappling each other. The guards saw the fight and took both Tex and Ugly down to segregation. Within ten minutes, all the property was taken out of the dorm by the guards. There's three and four.

What a crazy day! Almost half of the dorm gone in less than twelve hours. Prison can be so surreal, sometimes like living in a weird TV show.

Or⋅ner⋅y: ugly and unpleasant in disposition or temper

Last night Swat was at the door to the dorm talking to one of the lieutenants about moving to a bottom bunk and stuff about the shower crew. The lieutenant stepped into the dorm and told us to put everything down on a request - who wants to go where, who in the dorm isn't on shower crew, and anything else that needs to be done.

Swat asked me to write it because I've been able to get things done (supposedly) with the way I write. I put everyone's move requests first, then put down the guys who weren't on shower crew. These guys were going to be moved out of the dorm. I wasn't sure if Ugly wanted to move out so I asked Swat about it because Ugly was asleep... or so I thought

Apparently Ugly was not sleeping because he shot up and demanded to know why it mattered. I explained what I was doing when he shot in.

"Are you trying to kite me out of here?!"

Kiting someone is one of the most disrespectful and shady things a guy can do in prison, just short of snitching. It is effectively kicking someone out of a dorm by complaining to the guards. I was not trying to kite him out.

"No, I'm just wondering if you were still trying to get on the shower crew or if you were trying to go to the kitchen. Lieutenant wants it on paper."

"If I want something done, I'll do it myself! You don't need to worry about my business!"

"I'm trying to help you because the lieutenant can make things happen. I just didn't know what you wanted. But now I won't even put your name on here if it makes you feel better about that."

"Don't worry about how I feel!" Ugly screamed as he put his boots on to get up and fight.

"I'm not going to fight, bro."

"I know you aren't. I just want you to shut up!" He rose.

Swat stepped in to settle Ugly down and it was over.

Ugly has been in and out of prison since he was 12, with the longest time out being only six months. He's new in the dorm so I think he's still trying to win approval from his buddies like he's done for the past twelve years. I really feel sorry for him and have talked with him briefly about changing, but he does not welcome the idea - even with two sons waiting for their dad. Sad.

Overwhelming pain

Thump-thump. Thump. Thump-thump-thump.

I woke up and thought something was caught in the fan that was brought into the dorm. The noise stopped and I didn't see anything so I rolled over.

"Somebody help me hold him up! Cut him down! Cut him down!"

Thinking there was a fight, I looked up and saw a haunting picture: my co-worker and bunkmate was dangling unconsciously from the ceiling by a noose with his head lolled to one side. Tex was trying to hold him up while Knox grabbed a razor blade to cut the sheet that was holding the guy up. I didn't fully realize what was going on until he was down and dragged into the day room and guys were beating on the door to get an officer. I was in shock, frozen.

The guy revived on his own and went into seizures right before the guards showed up. As the guy was making horrible wheezing sounds and thrashing on the floor, the guards thought the seizure was the whole story until we showed them the sheet. I was on my bunk, trembling and praying fervently.

The guy was taken to the hospital and will probably end up at the state mental hospital with at least a little brain damage from lack of blood and air for so long. I don't have a clue why he did it. We were playing dominoes and laughing earlier, and had eaten a prison pizza together just hours earlier. Nothing seemed wrong.

He left a note wrapped around a picture of his four daughters saying "I let them down."

That had to have been one of the scariest nights I've had. I haven't been to sleep yet and can't get the images out of my head. All I can do is pray for him, his family, the guards, the medical personnel, and us in the dorm.



~ God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world ~ C. S. Lewis

Just Desserts

WHAM!

"What are you guys doing?!"

Early this morning I was abruptly wakened, and rolled over to see two guards with one flashlight focused on two inmates in the bathroom with a spoon in one hand and a pen in the other.

"What's in the spoon?" the bigger guard snarked.

"Sweet and Low," replied one inmate, dipping his finger into the spoon and licking it.


"Let me see that pen!"

"it's a just a pen...see?" The inmate raised the pen in the air playfully.

"They're so high," the smaller guard falsely observed.

Humiliated, the larger of the guards said, "No, they just pulled one on us. They're not shooting up. Now you two, go on to bed."

The two inmates, trying to hold back an outburst of laughter at the over-zealous guards' mistake, hopped onto their bunks. They has just pulled a prank on the guard that had broken our water fountain and hounded us over every little slip. This guy was certainly not a well-liked guard, even among his co-workers, and they had just made him the red-faced victim.That prank was well worth the early awakening.

SLAM!

The two embarrassed guards stomped out of our dorm.

They may see your good deeds *

It turns out the goal posts were only gone for a day so that the holes could be welded shut. Unfortunately, most of the the guys hadn't heard about the return so we were playing short-sided today - only 4-on-4.

I also had some good conversations with some guys in the dorm. The guy who bunks next to me really encouraged me by telling me to continue living out my faith just like I have. I have a lot of anxiety about the way I present myself and take much caution to not spoil my witness to the people around me. (* 1 Peter 2:12, 3:13-16)

The other conversation I had was with my bunkmate, Goat. He's been having a hard time in correspondence with his wife and kids. He's been taking a lot of his stress out through anger and just messing with people. I tried to encourage him and gave him a few tips on how to get stress out differently, like running or working out. I'm really hoping things work out on the home front and he decides to change his attitude so that it carries out into the world in a healthy way.

A Friend on the Inside

Last Tuesday I had a new neighbor move into the bunk next to me. Ortiz was known for his D&D prowess but over the past week I've come to see him as a friend. This past weekend we stayed up till odd hours of the night talking about family, C., his girlfriend, God, whatever came to mind . Unfortunately he left this morning to go to a new unit. I was looking forward to getting to know him better and picking his brain for not only D&D tips but life lessons as well.

Today I realize how lonely prison life will make a person. Despite the mail from loved ones and living in a dorm with over 60 people, I still feel pangs of loneliness. The people here are hard to open up to and to have an honest conversation with. Ortiz was the first since I landed on this unit. I hate this experience, partly because I've never been in this situation before, having grown up with an amazing family, and also because I truly feel like I shouldn't be here.

Lord, please accept my fears. Comfort me. Allow me some peace. Most of all, Lord, please restore me to C. and my family. I miss their presence in my life.

The Real and the Not Real World

This weekend was my first time to DM the D&D crowd. The players aren't creative enough to really make it fun but it helps pass the time. Ortiz just came to the dorm today and I'm hoping he can help me bring something new to the atmosphere.

Mom and Dad surprised me with a visit yesterday and it was really good to see them. It is so easy to slip into thinking about the outside world with them that it's almost a shock coming back to the dorm. I wish I could just walk out with them.

Today at work we raked the park. It was really easy work, though Cochran kept getting mad because we weren't in sync. The worst part was raking toward the burn pile and being completely surrounded by smoke.

After work I asked Cochran for a job change but he said he needed me because I am full-time. I asked if he could put me on A-team so I could get out of the dorm more often and he said he couldn't promise that. So I didn't really make any headway at all. Oh well...

No real answers

• Last night the power went out for several hours. Laying in the darkness, for a short while I thought for sure that there was going to be a fight, rape, or something, but there was nothing of the kind. After my nerves settled I got a drink of water and had a long conversation with Game about why God has us here and why He doesn't let us go. I still don't have any real answers except to say that God loves us no matter where we are and has promised us future blessings. It was a really cool conversation to have, knowing I'm not the only one with those thoughts.
  
  All weekend I was hoping C. would come so I could see her gorgeous smile and talk about events with Diego. By 2:30 on Sunday afternoon I figured that she wasn't coming. I was so happy when they called me for a visit at 2:45! She was in a much better mood this time and as beautiful as ever. C. was embarrassed a couple of times, once by me calling her beautiful and another when Mrs. Owens told me that C. wasn't allowed to touch my arm. Silly lady. It hurt so much to see her go out the door after our hug. Now I'm the one who feels alone after we part and has to just go inside to my boring prison life.
  
  I'm still praying daily for my release from this place or for God to go ahead and show me what He wants to use me for while I am in here. There's so much stupidity and immaturity in here for me to continue to put up with for much longer. An example is the guy who wants to teach me how to lockpick so I can break into vending machines. Crazy!
  

Mixed Messages

Wow... two weeks since I've written.I must not have felt much after the past two weeks. In actuality, I have been quite morose. Last weekend Mom and my brother came. It''s always good to see them joke around like we have always done.

Through the past few weeks I have really missed home, though I have tried to keep myself active to keep my mind off of things like that. Unfortunately, we haven't been out to work in more than two weeks. My friends (if I can call anyone in here my true friends) Silvey and Caleb left the dorm this week, one to laundry and the other to maintenance. Both are trying to get me jobs where they are so I can get out of this dorm.

On Wednesday one of the two new guys asked for quiet so he could go to sleep. Of course, this only made people more raucous. The Lt. came in and this new guy went up and talked with the Lt. in front of the whole dorm. Shortly afterward, the new guy left, along with KD, who was made an example to the rest of us I suppose.

I don't understand why a place that self-proclaims to be built around respect doesn't have the respect to honor a guy's wish to go to sleep. This place is full of things that I don't understand and are completely illogical.

Friday night we were playing D&D and the Lt. came in the back door and watched us in the corner for a minute or two. Then he took up a spinner and I split. He then took all our stuff (except the character sheets) and names of anyone else in the group. I was lucky enough to get away.

Work and Play

Today was the first day to work outside in almost a month. Mud was everywhere and we had nine new hands, so everything was tough and off-beat. I got to talk to with Waco, a friend from county, a bit. Hopefully he'll be moving over to C dorm with the rest of Two hoe.

I got the Power Grid instructions and board today - in full color and with play money! I was stunned. I'm looking forward to sharing a great game with people.