Book delivery

Tonight at work I cleaned showers in a dorm that had a couple of friends inside. I had brought a book and magazine for one guy, Jordan, who I worked with on the hoe squad at my last unit. While I was scrubbing the shower with my co-worker I has some good conversation going with Jordan, too. He also made a cup of cocoa coffee in return for the book delivery and clean shower stalls. That makes for a good night of work - coffee in one hand, scrub pad in the other and gabbing out the mouth.


When I left my dorm to go to work I had the book and magazine tucked in my sock under my pant leg without a noticeable bulge. For the first time since I started working two months ago, the guard decided to do a pat search. The guard for the night was a young Hawaiian woman who was usually pretty cool. When she approached me to pat me down, I backed up and told her that I had a package on my leg. Disbelieving me, she told me to step forward and started to pat me down. When her hand hit the magazine on my calf she jumped back and started laughing.

"I thought you were kidding," she said, and asked where I was taking them. After telling her, she let me go. That cup of mocha was worth it.

Sugar on every word

Today I had my first exam in Philosophy. Our task was to write explain Plato's Cave and Republic and how Nietzsche's philosophy was a result and extension of Plato. Oh yeah, also tell why democracy is the worst form of government. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I disagree with much of what the professor teaches. But I've got to get a grade, so I'll put sugar on every word I write for him.



We were told that the exam should take eight to ten pages to write out. The material we read and discussed was a lot of repetition, so I figured I could whittle it down some. Also, I am terse almost to a fault. When I finished writing, reread, and was satisfied with my product I had only used four pages That amount seemed awfully short. After class I asked a couple of guys how much they had put on paper. "Six pages" was the reply. Mine wasn't too short but I'm curious to see how I'm graded. I know I got all the material in.

Plato and friends

Well, I wasn't asleep but I was coming awfully close during the oddly scheduled Philosophy class today. We spent the day going over Plato's philosopher state and reviewing for our test that we will take on Monday. I don't know why this guy likes the structures of government put forth by Plato or Nietzsche. With human nature being what it is, there isn't a perfect way to organize government. Even the U.S. has its faults.

Our test is going to cover Plato and Nietzsche and how the latter made sense of the former's ideas. More than any class I've ever taken before, I'm going to have to completely set aside my own opinions and answer the way this professor would want. I would assert my own opinions but I'd rather get a good grade than make a point to a professor who thinks he is always right.

My bro Job...again

Due to the missed class Monday the professor decided to do a make-up class on Friday. Unfortunately the make-up class will be held at noon instead of the normal 5:30 PM time. Noon is like 3:00 AM to me because of my work schedule. I hope I'll be able to concentrate but I apologized to the professor in advance if I fell asleep.

In my personal reading I'm still struggling with Job. His friends' comments sound a lot like what I hear from guys here, both inmates and guards. I wouldn't say it's wrong thinking, but it is very misguided. This isn't a place where much positive thinking is done. Many guys are stuck in the same thought processes that led them here and the way the system is set up, there is nothing done to help them move out of those processes. Case management and counseling would go a long way toward getting all of us on the right track. And people wonder why recidivism rates are so high.

Different kinds of tests

Last week we took our first test in Sociology without actually covering all the material. Today we finished up those chapters even though we had already been tested over them. Doesn't make much sense to me, but, oh well.

I was really hurting just walking around today. My knees are aching terribly after yesterday's run. I need to strengthen my knees again after being absent from the field for so long. I could barely bend to clean the showers last night and I'm not looking forward to tonight's work, either.

Out of shape

Today the Philosophy class was canceled. That gave me the first opportunity to go to recreation in a long while. I got outside and figured I would take it easy on my run. I did a short warm up and a few stretches, then took off with a jog. For the first mile I was surprised at how fresh and fit I was feeling. I could breathe and cycle my legs without much effort. Even through the second mile I was running well.


When I completed the second mile I noticed a pain in my knees just below the joint. I used to get the same pain playing soccer during high school, but this felt much sharper. I had to stop the run after two and a half miles, not one of my best days at all. Not even average.

Security Blanket

For the first time in the six months that I've been on this unit, we exchanged our blankets this morning. Each inmate is issued standard "necessities" when they arrive at a unit: two shirts, two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks, two boxers, two sheets, one mattress, one towel, and one wool blanket. Everything except the sheets, mattress, and blanket are exchanged each morning. The sheets are exchanged once a week. I had no idea when, or even if, our blankets would be traded for a clean one.

I've needed a clean blanket for quite a while, as I keep to my bunk most of the time and use one of my sheets as a pillow, so the blanket touches me directly. One month is a long time to use a blanket without washing, two is a little gross, but six months without a clean blanket is just trashy and disgusting. Boy, was I glad to finally get a new one.

I also got my first est in Sociology back today. The class is easy, the test was simple, so I didn't expect to get any lower than what I actually received - 106 out of 106. Even though I was the only one to score perfectly, the rest of the grades were A's with a few B's and C's. Quite a contrast to the philosophy class, which I'm sure will be graded tougher.

More than its fill *

This morning we had a visitor in the dorm. He got a couple guys pretty excited, too, to the point that they woke up everyone else in the dorm. I was already awake so I saw our visitor run in through a small hole in the wall. A mouse!

The unit must go through phases of mouse life because we seem to hit high rodent activity for a couple of weeks, then see nothing for a few months. Unfortunately for this mouse, he woke up and chose to be active.

The mouse stayed close to the wall as Biscuit and Jimmy tried to catch him with a broom and a jar. Under the bunk went the mouse; over and around went Biscuit and Jimmy. Their loud strategizing and banging around is what wakened the other guys. Finally, after several minutes of hooting and hollering, Biscuit caught the mouse's tail under the broom and Jimmy persuaded the mouse to crawl into the empty peanut butter jar.

Once caught, Biscuit wanted to keep the mouse and see how long it would live. However someone had other plans. Greg took the jar over to the hot water reservoir and emptied water to fill about a quarter of the jar. Ten seconds at most was all the time the poor mouse had to writhe in the scalding water. Satisfied that it was dead, Greg dumped the mouse into the toilet and flushed. The excitement certainly was short-lived.

* "A bird can roost but on one branch, a mouse can drink not more than its fill from a river." - Chinese proverb

Showing his true colors

Through the reading assignment the professor gave us Monday, I figured he was giving a clue to his own philosophical leanings. He had us read a section about Plato and his allegory of the cave, then skip forward 400 pages to the Nietzschean philosophy of the overman (Übermensch) and slave versus master mentality.

Sure enough, the prof told the class upfront that his favorite philosophers are Nietzsche and Heidegger (curiously, both are strongly committed to Nazism...creepy!) He said he views himself as the overman and the rest of society as the underman to be taken advantage of and dominated. The overman is supposed to be an enlightened person with his own created purpose. God is dead and so man is left to create his own fate.

Is it just me or does this guy sound completely full of himself? The sad thing is that many of the guys in class have no real foundation on which to stand and so they follow the prof's (misguided) authority. He is challenging us to be better thinkers but has a nihilistic view that offers little hope to his audience.

For me, the class has forced me to dig deeper into my faith and find out what I believe and why. Of course, I will always have doubts, but everyone has doubts every now and then, no matter what philosophy you ascribe to. I recognize that my faith is fragmentary and can't explain everything because - would you believe it? - my finite mind can't comprehend the infinite. That's why it's called faith.

"In contemplation, if a man begins with certainties he shall end in doubts; but if he be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties." - Francis Bacon

Studying and other forms of recreation

Last night I studied for two hours in expec-tation of having a test in Philosophy today. Instead of the test, the professor had us trade in our textbooks for a new one just as we entered the classroom. I guess he likes the new textbook better. The test was called off and we told to read about forty pages for Wednesday's class. What a change of pace!

With the new(ish) schedule for work and classes, I'm not able to go to recreation during the week anymore. I'm in classes during the evening rec and asleep during the morning rec after staying up all night working. I really miss being able to go out and run on the field. It was my only alone time between staying in a dorm with nine other guys all day. Hopefully rec will be available on the weekends. This past weekend they were short-staffed while visitation was going on so rec didn't occur.

Fall in Love, Stay In Love

Nothing is more practical than finding God,
than falling in love in a quiet absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.

It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evening,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read,
whom you know,
what breaks you heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.


Friar Pedro Arrupe, General Society of Jesus

I'm now enrolled in two classes, inching my way toward full-time (probably not happening here.) The local college was able to find a few more professors to teach at the prison. Of the new classes offered, I'd already taken a couple before I came to prison. So now I'm in a Sociology class and an Intro to Philosophy. It is sure to get interesting with some of the close-minded, stubborn guys here, but I'm looking forward to getting some more education.

One step closer.

Live from Austin, Texas (sort of...)

I was able to catch a bit of music today on Austin City Limits. A jazz group called New Orleans Social Club was playing, and playing great. They did a number of older protest songs like Fortunate Son and brought out a different New Orleanian to sing on almost every song. You could tell they had been to the emotional places in the songs. I always love and appreciate artists who connect with the music and their audience beyond the sounds.

My bro, Job

Tonight's chapel service wasn't all too nurturing for me. The songs' lyrics didn't seem to fit me well right now ("I'm accepted, you were condemned...". I'm not really very accepted right now seeing as how I'm locked up away from the world.) The message was geared toward non-Christians about the dangers of not accepting the Gospel and Christ into their lives. I've been through the acceptance of Christ and have no intentions of turning away from that relationship.


In my personal reading I'm in the middle of Job. I read through Job about a year ago and got some encouragement out of it as I commiserated with him in his circumstances of misfortune. Now, a year later, I'm tired of the suffering and really don't want to dwell on it any longer. Through the day I experience joy and use this journal to vent frustrations. I feel like I'm just in a never-ending mud football game and haven't had the chance to get away from all the scheming to wash off and return to life.

Job, I may not have fallen as far as you, but I'm with you, bro. I'm just as sick of suffering as you are.

"...Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"
In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
Job 2:10

School's In!

I started class today. I've been waiting since I got to this unit and finally got a class. I'm only taking one class, Intro to Sociology, but at least it is something. Sadly, at this pace it will be years before an Associate's degree is complete and they aren't even offering core classes because professors can't be found to teach them.


If the first day is any indication, the rest of the session is going to be a breeze. Maybe a hot, sticky summer kind of breeze because the education building doesn't have any air conditioning yet. The teacher seems smart, but I think she puts on a show of ditzy stupidity to relate better to the inmates. She's hip to much of what goes on in here which I think will help both us and her.

I really hope I can take more classes and perhaps more of them along the lines of a typical liberal arts track like the business classes that are offered. The education is lacking, but at least it's going somewhere.

The Jesus Way - Eugene Peterson

We need testing. God tests us.
Have we slipped into the habit of insisting that God do what we ask or want or need him to do,
treating him as an idol designed for our own satisfaction?
Does God serve us or do we serve God?
Do we require a God that we can fully understand and control,
or are we willing to be obedient to what we do not understand
and could never control?

Is God a mystery of goodness whom we embrace and trust,
or is God a formula for getting the most out of life on our terms?

Have we thought all along that God is there to serve us?

Do we want God in our own image
or do we want the God who is beyond us and over us,
who we trust will do for us what only God can do
in the way that only God can do it -
no strings attached,
no reservations,
no caveats,
the whole hog?

The test will tell us.

"On that day you will be glad, even if you have to go through many hard trials for a while. Your faith will be like gold that has been tested in a fire. And these trials will prove that your faith is worth much more than gold that can be destroyed. They will show that you will be given praise and honor and glory when Jesus Christ returns." 1 Peter 1:6-7 (Contemporary English Version)

The Key Is ...

I got last night off from work even though most of the other guys went out. I guess they don't quite honor federal holidays around here despite the title Labor Day.

I actually like my job pretty well. The hours are odd but fit my schedule just fine. I'm used to staying up all night for the quiet anyway. I like being able to move around the unit and see different people every night. I'm often able to talk with my friends in the other dorms that I otherwise wouldn't see.

I'm still having trouble with courage to share my faith. I know I should be having purposeful conversations with guys, but I just don't know when to do it. The dorm has guys who will jump in to cannibalize conversation and I'm always running or playing soccer while at rec. It's something I want to do more often but can't find good opportunities.