A friend for all seasons

Today, for the first time in almost three months, I had a visit from C. I also hadn't heard from her by mail since that last visit. I wasn't sure what was going on - if she was too busy with school, work, and campus life, or didn't feel comfortable communicating with me. It was a huge blessing to see and talk with her and catch up on everything that has been going on.

I had been worried a little bit that after we split in June, we might drop communication entirely. I've seen that too many times with guys around me for the past year and a half. Going off the map for three months almost had me convinced that it had happened to me. Boy, was I happy to see her today. Even though we aren't romantically involved anymore, I still consider her my best friend. There's no one else that I can open up to as well as C. I can't say for certain, but I think the same is true for her. I really hope she finds a mentor of intimate friend she can be herself with because it's kind of tough to be that from here.

Seeing such a good frines was such a pick-me-up. Though I was disappointed to see her go, I came out with a glow. I look forward to getting out of here so those kinds of friendships can continue and multiply.

Best Friend

Strange Dream

I was on a sinking ship that was military. When it went underwater I was stuck with some other people in a spot with an air bubble . We decided to kick out a window or swim to a higher spot on the ship to escape. When we swam toward the shore we had to cross barbed wire in the water that would only allow us to move through if a wave carried us.

On the shore was a university that I began to attend. It was very old and steeped in tradition. My family was there to see me and to see where I stayed. My dorm was like a classical library, with paintings and books covering the walls.

I saw C. sitting at a table outside with some friends and I asked her if she wanted to walk with me around the campus. She didn't seem happy to see me and just kind of shrugged me off.

I returned to the shore, where wooden bleachers with an awning were set up, and sat down to watch hockey on TV. When the game went to a shootout I left and walked back to the dorm.

On the way I saw that some celebration was going on and people were walking together on the campus sidewalks. There was a familiar guy that met me and we started talking. He was an old friend. He said that he was glad I was back but, sorry, he was with C. now. I didn't know what he was talking about. He said that he had always been with her.

C. came up to us, and she and the guy who I had been talking with hugged. I walked away. I felt like everything had changed and I had to begin a new life with new friends all over again.

My family was in the celebration and was glad to see me.

I woke up depressed and wanting to go home. I missed everyone and was scared of what life might be like when I get out.

A New Season *

Yesterday I got a letter from C. that I've kind of been expecting to receive since I was sentenced last summer but never wanted to receive. She told me that she wants to end our relationship to focus on her life and her relationship to God. I'm proud of her for doing what she needs to do and wanting to get her priorities straight. While I'm here I shouldn't be anyone's priority.

I spent much of the evening writing a letter to her telling her what I think and sharing memories with her. I spent several hours last night and this morning in prayer for both of us to be drawn closer to God and to be developed into people who are more like Christ.

As much as it hurts to see our relationship close, C. is an amazing girl and a friend that I want to be happy an successful.

“Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons from coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.” - Kent Nerburn

The Shadow of Our Burden *

Today I got to see C. for the first time in a month. I haven't received a letter from her in more than two weeks. Needless to say, it was great to see her. She's been going 200 miles per hour since the semester let out with a job, internship, summer classes, and other responsibilities. She showed up stressed.

That is the hardest part of prison for me: seeing her stretched to her limit and not being able to help her. Instead, I'm an added burden to her and to my family. There's nothing I can do for myself; I have to rely on others for everything.

On top of that, C. had to leave early to get back to work on time so we wouldn't even get the full two hours of our visit. I was able to persuade her to stay for the whole two hours, but I felt terrible for being selfish and adding more stress for her.

I hate being here. I can't wait until I get out. Then I can be a helping solution to problems instead of a problem to be solved.





* "Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us." - Samuel Smiles

Strong Minds, Strong Faith

C. came today! Her visit was such a welcome surprise. I didn't expect anyone to come this weekend, but she did! I really wish that we could have contact visits like at my last unit because the glass is a very unwelcome barrier. I especially miss the hugs.

I don' think it went as well as she wanted because I have been kinda down recently. I don't feel like I'm worth anything to anyone while I'm in here and that I'm at another pointless place wasting my time when I should be outside in school, ministry, and family. I miss life, the real life, not this contrived excuse for one that is lived behind razor wire.

I told someone today that I think that everyone should be in counseling for at least six months. Especially after living in prison and returning to the real world, counseling helps you know who you are and how to help yourself from getting into bad mental states. His response was that you have to be weak-minded to be depressed. To that I said that the world must be full of weak-minded people because there are many people that get depressed out there. I think it takes a strong mind to admit that you are hurting and to seek ways, good healthy ways, to relieve the pain.

Settling In

Today I went to the infirmary to see if I could get my retainer fixed. The false tooth that was attached to the retainer broke off two days ago. All that happened was a referral to the dentist on Friday and an hour-long wait. I hope things will be fixed soon because my teeth look silly and will start crowding soon.

One thing is for sure: the food here is better than anywhere else so far. It actually looks and tastes like (or at least close to) what the menu says it is. Everywhere else the food has been bland or nauseating.

Because I didn't do anything during the day except read and sleep, I went to volleyball at rec tonight. It will be a while before I get used to playing again, that's for sure. At least I'm not absolutely terrible.

I'm really looking forward to mail catching up with me, though. I really need some paper to reply to people. Hopefully, I'll be able to go to commissary this week so I can restock. I didn't realize how much I needed the constant encouragement of friends, family, and C.. I'm so blessed to have so much support.

All is Flux; Nothing Stays Still*

Today while getting commissary I got a big surprise: I'm being transferred. I have no idea where or why. I haven't requested transfer or had any major cases. I don't have any medical problems. The only thing I can think of is that my case is being reviewed and I am being sent back to county jail. That's highly unlikely, though. I really have no clue what's going on. Reminds me of my last entry, having to move at any time even if I don't want to.

Another thing that's disappointing is that C. was supposed to visit this weekend. She probably won't know about my transfer until she makes the 4 1/2 hour drive to my unit, and I can't get word to her in time because the mail is too slow. She is going to waste 9 hours and 2 tanks of gas... terrible. I can't stand this lifestyle.


* "All is flux; nothing stays still" - Heraclitus

No real answers

• Last night the power went out for several hours. Laying in the darkness, for a short while I thought for sure that there was going to be a fight, rape, or something, but there was nothing of the kind. After my nerves settled I got a drink of water and had a long conversation with Game about why God has us here and why He doesn't let us go. I still don't have any real answers except to say that God loves us no matter where we are and has promised us future blessings. It was a really cool conversation to have, knowing I'm not the only one with those thoughts.
  
  All weekend I was hoping C. would come so I could see her gorgeous smile and talk about events with Diego. By 2:30 on Sunday afternoon I figured that she wasn't coming. I was so happy when they called me for a visit at 2:45! She was in a much better mood this time and as beautiful as ever. C. was embarrassed a couple of times, once by me calling her beautiful and another when Mrs. Owens told me that C. wasn't allowed to touch my arm. Silly lady. It hurt so much to see her go out the door after our hug. Now I'm the one who feels alone after we part and has to just go inside to my boring prison life.
  
  I'm still praying daily for my release from this place or for God to go ahead and show me what He wants to use me for while I am in here. There's so much stupidity and immaturity in here for me to continue to put up with for much longer. An example is the guy who wants to teach me how to lockpick so I can break into vending machines. Crazy!
  

For love of C.

I finished making Power Grid last night. Finally, after more than a month (I think) of work, it's finished. I was going to do a play test today to refresh my memory but I was wakened for work. Like many other mornings it was a false alarm. Instead of playing the game I ate my oatmeal, cereal bar, and graham cracker and went back to sleep. Tomorrow is another day to play the game.

Yesterday's letter from C. really shook me up. Not too badly but enough to keep me up two nights in a row. So many guys have talked about their girlfriends or wives leaving them while they are in prison and C.'s thing with Diego was maybe the first sign that it could happen to me.

I don't mind C. dating other guys but I wish that she would tell me it's over between us first. I know that if I was at home right now we both wouldn't have to worry about it, but unfortunately that's not the case. As much as I miss her, I have not even sought magazines with lewd women in them ( though, if I am to be honest, the temptation is always there.) She has it much tougher than me because she has guys trying to pursue her, even if they know about me. I wish that I could make things right between us, but I'm powerless except through my letters. God is the only one who can release me from the bondage I'm in and the worry that plagues me.

Sometimes I wonder if C. is embarrassed by me being on probation or in prison. I think that if the situation were reversed I might be. I hope that it's not causing too much strain on her because she already has enough stress with school and extracurricular activities. Why do I have to be such a screw-up? I've ruined almost everything I've touched in the past five years, especially my own life. I'm working on my pride (though this environment certainly doesn't help in that area) but it won't go away. It's stuck on me like tar... sticky, oppressive, black ooze. When will I get the chance to prove that I am a good guy?

Lord, please raise me up to be your child, one who abides by your perfect will.

Chosen By God

In reading Chosen By God tonight a question was raised in my mind: Why did God create us?

The common answer is that He wanted a relationship of love with us. That has been my belief for a long time but then I thought: God doesn't need us to have a relationship of love. His angels were already present in heaven praising Him and having a relationship with Him. And the angels are like us in that they have free will to leave or dislike God, as is evident by the fall of Lucifer (Satan) and his demons.

So what are we for? What is our purpose in being? God already had the relationship with beings that have free will to choose Him or not. Are we just a plaything? I don't think so. I still think that we are created for love but I am confused by the effort expended toward creation, which He foreknew and foreordained to fail.

I saw C. yesterday and she is in another downswing right now. I think some of it comes from the stress of her Peru trip. I had hoped that it would be more enjoyable for her than it was. I hope she finds a book that she would like for us to read together. I want to be together and continue to deepen our friendship. At the same time, I want her to feel free to have other very close friends, guys or girls. I don't want to be holding her back from 300 miles away. We also personally decided to not move forward toward engagement until I hear word from government or God. Please come soon!

Christmas, Crying and Compassion

It's been a while since writing for two reasons: sickness and laziness.

I spent Christmas Day and then more doubled up on my bunk in pain. The only meds that I was taking were Tylenol and a cough drop now and then. With this very conservative regimen it took quite a while before I was feeling better.

I think my cold was compounded by home sickness for the holidays. This is the first year that I've been completely away from home and family and it really hurt. I missed our traditions of pecan pie, spiced pecans and gingerbread Texas-shaped cookies. I missed just enjoying family and a a candlelight Christmas Eve service with traditional Christmas carols. The holiday movies on the TV here didn't help, either.

Last weekend Mom and my brother came to visit, which was a huge surprise. It was really good to see them and to hear how Christmas at home went. That was the first visit I've cried during a visit in along time.

C. is in Peru right now, doing well and having fun, I hope. I can't wait to get out of here so I can spend time with her. I continue to pray for swift deliverance but who knows if He's listening or has it in His mind. This is no place for me (and many others) to be living. I thank God for the protection and safety I've had so far and the abundance of love and support.

Compassion - Henri Nouwen

"It is not proving ourselves to be better than others, but confessing to be just like others that is the way to healing and reconciliation.

"Who will choose the hidden place when the limelight is available? Who will choose to withdraw to a place of solitude and prayer when there are so many urgent demands made from all sides?

"It would be sad if we thought of compassion as a life of heroic self-denial. In fact, the compassionate life is mostly hidden in the ordinariness of everyday living. It means to become close to another person when we are willing to become vulnerable ourselves."

Simply Awesome, a True Delight

Today was THE day! C. came to visit and it was absolutely wonderful! We were able to talk face-to-face and reassure each other about our situations. One thing that stood out to me was her still very warm love toward me. I know that she loves me and that is an amazing feeling.

Upon that love as a foundation, I brought up the question of engagement, relating again to Kenneth Taylor's (author of The Living Bible)) story - an engagement that could've lasted for years. How crazy is that? It's kind of scary to think about but I really do feel that God is with us. He has been a great Guide during the past few months and I feel like He has given His thumbs up.

Today was simply awesome, a true delight.

Hope and Joy - Henri Nouwen

"While optimism makes us live as if someday soon things will be better for us, hope frees us from the need to predict the future and allows us to live in the present, with the deep trust that God will never leave us alone, but will fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts.

"Often we have come to the discovery that what we have considered to be hope and joy were little more than selfish desires for success and rewards. Painful as this discovery may be, it can throw us right into the arms of the One who is the true source of hope and joy."

Journals to Fill

I received six composition books today! That ought to last me for a while. Also, an R.C. Sproul book and Bill Bryson's "Walk in the Woods". I read the Bryson book in county so I don't know why it was sent again, but I'll definitely read it again.

We were supposed to go to commissary today but the holiday traffic kept us at bay. Hopefully I'll be able to go tomorrow even though I got a case (written up) for not turning out for work last week. Silly field bosses.

C. (my girlfriend) is coming to visit this weekend and I can't wait! We'll have so much to talk about that I hope two hours is enough time. It will be the first time since mid-June that I've hugged her and the first time in two months that I have talked to her face-to-face. I don't know what I'd do if I lost contact with her.