Tonight we had a baptism service in the gym where 33 - 33! - guys were baptized. Will was among those who were dunked for Jesus and I was proud to see him make his statement of faith. He also made it known that there were a few people who helped him get to that point.He told me afterward that I was one of those people. How cool is God.
There was another guy that came out of my dorm to get baptized, but he was only doing it to get a certificate to show parole that he had done good things so he could go home earlier. He has made it known that he is not a Christian and doesn't believe in a God of any kind. I told him that I thought it was wrong to get baptized for those reasons and that it made a mockery of a Christian tradition, though I could understand his reasons. He joked that as long as the water didn't boil when he stepped in, he would be okay. The water didn't boil, but I still disagree.
Yesterday we didn't go to class because the roads were icy from some rain we had last night. Of course, I didn't get to experience any of the weather. I was hoping to go to class, too, so we could cover this strange Zoroastrianism. Oh well, I guess we'll cover it eventually anyway.
The newest guy in the dorm, Rabbit, found out that I had the necessities to make Power Grid, the board game, last week and has been excitedly anticipating its creation in the dorm. I haven't made it since I've been here because the effort involved last time was enormous and there hasn't been enough interest to make it worthwhile. (See "Work and Play, January 7, 2008, and "Work and Play", Part 2, January 11, 2008.)
Today I got a couple illustration boards from commissary for the board and pieces. Instead of tracing the enormous board like I did the last time, I just taped the copies of the board to the illustration board with pieces of deodorant label as tape. For the cards Opie and Rabbit drew crude drawings on manila folders and cut them out. The process took only a few hours.
I spent a few hours playing two games teaching them how to play and they stayed up all night playing with Ozzie while I was writing a letter and reading. I think it's a new hit. It's great to be playing board games again. And it takes a load off me for coming up with new story lines for D&D. As I write, the three guys are busily buying power plants, resources and cities. Awesome!
Tonight we finished the Restoring Joy Bible study. The guys actually finished the book last week while was in my solitary cell, but tonight we shared how the class has helped in our walk with Christ. It was really cool to hear a lot of the guys stories from their lives - so different from where I came from, but ringing very true at the same time.
I shared how the class and the book I'm reading, Truefaced, have made me realize the fault of my own way in that I need to just trust God to act in His own way in His own time. When I was on the outside, I was doing many things I thought would bring pleasure to God, but I have found that what is most pleasing to Gos is for us to let go of our own efforts and just trust what He will do. Sound easy, huh?
"Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing." - Ephesians 2:8-10
We don't have any way to listen to music here except through the TV. Even then it's usually just commercials because our local channels don't get sound so no Saturday Night Live or late show bands, either. We also don't get PBS anymore which means Austin City Limits and Soundstage are gone. What's an inmate to do?
I absolutely love music in nearly any form. To "listen" to music, I ask my folks to send lyrics to familiar songs for me to sing. There's nothing to hear except voice, but it's a taste of home. The only hard part is that sometimes I think I can remember a song only to have it sent to me, then not knowing even one bar of the tune.
I got a pack of lyrics from my mom of bands I remember - Weezer, All-American rejects, Semisconic, Manu Chao, of Montreal and a couple of others. It was like a brand new station with all new programming and some of the guys really wanted to hear it. We stayed up until the early morning as I sat on my bunk rocking tracks that came out years ago. Imagine a campfire concert without the fire or guitar. (Oh, what I would do for a guitar.) The guys were jumping in on familiar tunes. It was great. That's how we get our music fix here.
Last night the lieutenant came to my cell and told me to pack up to move back to my dorm. Just as he had assured me, I got out on Tuesday. When I got back in the dorm, the guys congratulated me on getting our and asked how my vacation went. They said that when Buzz Cut came in to gather my stuff, he said that I would be gone for a long time. When someone asked when I'd be back, he said probably never.
"Don't you know he runs 75% of the unit?"
I just started laughing when I heard that absurd statement. I don't run anything except a D&D game every now and then.
Turns out that the dorm went to commissary yesterday, so everyone has lockers full of food. I missed out, being back in solitary. I'm glad a few of the guys share with me because there are some days when the dining hall just doesn't cut the mustard.
This morning I went to the lieutenant's office to thank him for being so level-headed about the investigation and not just laying down the law like some of the other guards do. I also asked if there was anything I needed to do. He said all I needed to do is never share my blog with any staff again.*
"It is a very vague infraction," he said. I asked when I could get my property back and if I could go to commissary because my dorm went the previous day. He said commissary was probably out of the picture, but he would talk with the property officer about getting my stuff back.
Now it's back to normal prison life starting with class this morning and the moving picture box that makes evil distractions.
* Note to prison staff from the blog editors: We hope that you enjoy reading this blog. It is here primarily to help the writer maintain relationships with his friends and family on the outside and, as stated in the very first entry on December 8, 2007 -
"This blog is a way for me to not only make sense of the other culture on the inside but to process and share my thoughts on prison life and the experiences that I encounter. My hope is that what you read here offers you a glimpse into what it's like to be incarcerated and what goes on for those Waiting On the Inside."
Happy reading! - The Editors
Early this morning I got my mattress and blanket. Not long after, a big, bald guard told me he was going to put me in the holding cell cage so we could go through my property to decide what I wanted with me in solitary. Another guard, an ex-military guy with a buzz fade, came to help. The big guy said he doesn't usually do the inventory with the inmates, but it was his Friday to work and he needed something to do.
The big guy found my Japanese phrase book quickly and told me I could be missing it when I got out of solitary. He was joking that he wanted it for himself and kept blurting out phrases to Buzz Cut. Buzz just rolled his eyes and said, "Let's get this finished."
There were a couple of empty peanut butter jars that I keep to store things in, usually cocoa and milk, that most guards throw away, but Big Bald said there must be some peanut butter left in there, and let me keep them.
When it came to my hygiene stuff, I didn't ask to keep much because the lieutenant told me I would be out by Tuesday night. Buzz Cut said. "You probably want more than that. You're gonna be down here for a long time." I just said, "Nah, it'll be alright."
Once everything was inventoried, I went back to my cell with some of my stuff while the rest went back to the property room to wait for my release from solitary. I finally got to sleep about 5 AM.
Tonight has been crazy. This story is just weird. I was talking with a couple guys, sitting on my bunk, when a guard came in asking for someone to come out and sweep the hall. Three other guys volunteered, but the guard asked me to come because she said the others were too loud. As I swept the hall, we chatted about random stuff.
Before I went back into my dorm she asked if I had written entries for the blog lately. I had given her the blog address a couple months ago, but she said she lost it and wanted it written it down again. I told her I would write it down and give it to her when she came around to count.
About an hour after count, one of the sergeants came in and asked me to come to the lieutenant"s office up front. When I got there, the lieutenant asked if I had anything to say. I didn't even know why I was there, si I said no. He started peppering me with questions about my blog and why I was sharing the address with staff.. Was I trying to get one of them to sneak contraband into prison? Was I part of a gang? Was I being extorted by a gang? I said I wasn't part of a gang or being threatened by anyone, and that I only shared my blog with some of the staff so they could see what prison is like form my perspective.
The lieutenant pulled up my blog on his computer and said that he had read through a lot of it and the only thing he saw that was bad was the entry in support of TCU. "We can't have any horned frogs in San Saba," he said in jest.
After talking to me, he said he didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but he was going to put me in solitary for a couple days to "maintain the integrity of the investigation" while he talked with other staff about it. I was put in handcuffs (never a delightful experience) and taken to a cell with a bunk all to myself. The cell was about seven feet wide and twenty feet long with a shower, toilet, sink and a bunk taking up space. There was also a table jutting out of the wall with a steel stool mounted to the floor.
Sitting there without any of my property, including my mattress and blanket, I was nervous about what could happen to me. The case that I could get - "establishing a relationship with an officer - has very bad consequences, including taking away up to a year of good time. I certainly didn't want that. I didn't want anyone else to get into trouble, either.
After an hour of worrying, I had a peace come over me. I thought. "I didn't do anything wrong and there's nothing I can do for the situation. God's in control, so I'm just going to trust Him for whatever happens." That was a cool feeling to have.
"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. " - Matthew 10:16
Now that I'm out of food in my locker, I've been relying on the food in the dining hall for nutrition. I don't really know how healthy the food from the kitchen is, but I can tell you what it tastes like. It's like someone threw some sand on a slab of cardboard and hosed it down with water. The food here is so one-dimensional in flavor that even a good imagination couldn't come up with a good way to compensate. The people that run the kitchen must either lack spices and the know-how to use them or they are doing their part in creating a bad environment to make sure that we don't ever come back here.
When I arrived at this unit back in March last year, the food was far better. We were eating yummy quesadillas and creative shredded beef. Unfortunately, that kitchen captain left to start her own restaurant nearby. Immediately the food quality fell. This was back in June. Since then, commissary has been necessary to tickle the taste buds. Without commissary, we are left to the mercy of bad beans, greens, and processed pork. Ugh.
This dorm is losing weight. All of our lockers are empty of food because we haven't been to commissary in a month. I don't think any of us expected to go so long between opportunities to buy food. For the past week, guys have been scrimping on their last bits of food - the last couple of soups, cookies ans shots of coffee. Now it's all gone.
I've been out of food for a few days and just ran out of cocoa yesterday. Everyone has been complaining about the huge delay. I've been coping by going to all three meals each day and eating everything on the tray. The gross stuff I shove down my throat and wash down with water as fast as I can. Some of the food goes down much easier than others. On Tuesday and Thursdays we get dessert. For a sweet tooth like me who likes to stock up on sugar in my locker, those desserts are the best part of the week. Until I make it to commissary, I'm going to have to rely on the kitchen to maintain my weight.
Tonight at Bible study we got journals to use to jot down daily prayers and the good and bad things that we do. It was really cool that the teacher got them for everyone. The journal is a turquoise (how manly!) leather-ish bound book with the serenity prayer embossed on the front and a different scripture on each page. We are supposed to use it as an encouragement and yardstick of our progress toward maturity.
I obviously already keep a journal; you're reading it. But I will be using this new one as a communication with God and reminder of what I act like. I think it will be cool to see where I've been in my Christian walk. I hope the other guys in the class find it useful, too.
I had a great visit with my mom today. I don't know why, but in one-on-one visits we usually talk about different stuff than when we would with others. The same is true for everyone else, too.
I found out today that I do not have a chance for an appeal at all. The lawyer at the juvenile justice non-profit foundation who was looking at my case said that, because of the agreement I made in the court judgment, I gave away almost all chances for appeal. The only appeal I could do would not fit my situation. She suggested filing a grievance with the state bar association for the ethics violations and continuing to pursue commutation and parole. I am hoping that she can write a recommendation now that she is familiar with my case.
I kind of figured there wouldn't be a shot at an appeal so it wasn't a huge letdown. It certainly wasn't good news, though. I chase commutation and parole even harder now that the favored option is gone. I really want to go home and put this prison life behind me, and I will explore every legitimate route to see if I can get there faster.
I have some catching up to do. Thank you to the people who sent cards and letters for Christmas! I'm in the process of writing letters and getting them out to everyone.
I'm kind of slow, but I will have them finished by Valentine's Day... ha, ha.
I feel behind in a lot of ways right now; letter writing is just one of them. I have a stack of books that I am excited to read, but I am moving through them very slowly. I think I described the distractions that hinder my progress.
I also feel behind in education. My high school graduating class is in its last year at university. I have many friends that will be graduating this year and I am left in their dust, stuck at my sophomore year. I'm trying to figure out a way to do correspondence courses to make some more progress toward graduating myself. My mom is helping my search and we may have found a solution through Ohio University's Program for the Incarcerated. I think I just have too much I want to accomplish and not enough time or resources to do them all.
Well, Biscuit left. His two years in transfer will be up soon, so he went to another unit for diagnostics and classification. He will stay in a two-man cell while he is interviewed. The interview results will be taken before a small committee and they will decide his classification and where to send him. The unit they assign him to will be his place of residence until he goes home on parole or discharges his entire sentence.
Unlike this unit, his destination will not have air conditioning and probably won't have education opportunities. However, he will be in a place with the opportunity to get a radio and finally listen to music. I hope that wherever he goes will be a good fit and there will be guys around him who will minister to him and build him up. I tried to be a friend and share Christ with him while he was here, but I don't know that I made any impact on him.
Tonight at Bible study I felt very aloof. The teacher kept referring to manly pride and how handing problems over to Christ makes them go away. I've never really had a problem with pride in the way he was talking about it and any problem that I've ever handed over was never solved instantly. Part of the reason I'm here is because I thought God would take the problem. Instead, it kept haunting me until I was confronted and had help and support.
I don't like when Christianity is offered and presented as a quick fix to life's problems, at least the big ones. There are a few guys here that came to Christianity with those expectations and have since become discouraged and fallen away. The evangelism that originally brought the guys to Christ was true, but overly optimistic, and as a result, they are more hardened now than they were before. How tragic!
Happy New Year! I'm hoping this year brings some positive developments my direction in school, freedom, and/or personal life. I would like to finish my basics for college somehow, even if it means doing correspondence classes. I hope to be ready for my junior year of university by the time I get home. I want to be home at some point this year and there are three ways I see it being possible: appeal with dismissal or change of punishment, commutation, or making my first parole this next December. My family and I are working hard toward all three options. I also would like to develop into a better servant for my Heavenly Father. More than anything else, I want to deepen my relation ship with Him and see His good and perfect will in my life. It's been tough, but fruitful so far during my incarceration.Last night we brought in the New Year very non traditionally. We watched two crazies attempt stunts on ESPN. The first guy was going for the first full flip of a truck.
He drove a modified truck that had the engine offset to the passenger side to counter his weight and shocks with different stiffness for the impact, which was said to put some kind of bone-shattering pressure on the crazy dude. The ramp he launched off of had a kicker at the apex that threw the truck into rotation. After several runs without a jump to line up his approach, the guy drove toward the ramp at 35 mph and flew into rotation. He landed barely off balance and his stiff shocks bounced him into a roll. Failure. He was close, though.The second guy was absolutely insane. He wanted to jump his dirt bike onto the Arc de Triomphe replica in Las Vegas, a nearly 100 ft height, and then jump off onto a transition ramp to take him to the ground. Any miscalculations would lead to serious injury or worse. I really thought I would be ringing in the new year by watching this guy kill himself. His fianc'ee was plenty worried, too. His bike would top out at 55 mph in 3rd gear and fly off a forty foot ramp. Crazy!
After a couple warm-up runs, he decided it was time to go. He rode across the flat, hit a ramp, and glided to the top of the structure with no problems. After circling the top and peering over the edge several times, the guy plunged over the edge and barely overshot the other ramp. He dropped his back tire to try to catch the transition and managed to bring the bike down under control, riding away victoriously. The impact gave him a gash and a broken hand from the handlebars, but he was in one piece to be hugged and kissed by is fiancee.
Maybe this year I can accomplish some great stuff like those two guys. And maybe I can hold onto my marbles while I do. Here's to a happy New Year!
