This morning I stepped down from paying guitar in the choir. It was a difficult decision that I had been dealing with for a few months, and I finally felt like it as time for me to go.
One of my best buddies on the unit, Lelan, stepped out in early May for many of the same reason as I did, and I've heard unhappy sentiment from a few others as well. The choir director seems to be led by ego under the guise of "the Holy Spirit." Honestly, it angers me when someone always plays the "god told me so" card because conversations with Him are usually a private affair.
While the choir director was always choosing songs that he had written, the keyboard player wasn't very flexible in playing with others. It always had to be his rhythm and lead, even when it didn't fit the song well. The other guitar player and I tried over and over to tell him that his arrangements didn't work, but he just got defensive and said, "I'm a professional musician; I know how it should sound."
I've voiced my discomfort to a few friends and choir members and was told to wait it out. "It will pass soon," they said. Well, it hasn't passed. Not only did I feel stifled in my ability to serve through song, but I also didn't even feel able to worship with the group. That's when I realized I needed to leave.
The only reason I write all of this is that I know that no one here will read i t. I don't think the director and keyboard player are bad guys; they're just a bit misguided. I pray God will use the choir to touch hearts and lead worship to bring glory to Himself. I just can't be a member at the moment.
We had a powerful worship service last night that could have only been God's doing. Late last week I felt like God had given me direction to lead a song that we had never practiced. I asked the choir director if I could fit it in at the beginning of the service right after we got everything connected. He was trusting and said sure.
Before the service got underway, I quickly went over the song with the keyboardist and other guitarist. I had not idea how things would turn out, but is asked the Spirit to lead. Through a series of last second decisions, the new song got bumped to the end of the lineup. Now there was even more pressure to not break the flow of worship leading into the message spoken.
From the very beginning, it was on! We sang an upbeat hymn followed by a couple songs in Spanish and a swinging gospel tune. The worship was more alive than I've seen since I've been here. I've been playing in front of people since I was fifteen, so I'm usually not nervous, but tonight I had to lead a song we had never played as a group following up and continuing a great atmosphere of worship. I was shaking inside.
I Peter 5:6 says. "Therefore humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time." I just handed it over to the Spirit and went with it. With my eyes closed, my hands strumming, and my voice singing, I noticed others joining in. How was this happening if I hadn't done this song before? Only by the Spirit. I really hope that the choir can usher in this kind of worship more often. I'm so glad God has blessed us to be able to lead others to praise him.
Tonight was my first practice playing guitar with the worship team here. After meeting people and getting my hearings on the unit, I told the guy who leads the choir that I have experience leading worship and, if he wanted a guitarist, to let me know.
Like at San Saba, I didn't want to play unless they really need someone. I am content to be out in the crowd praising without any pressure. The choir leader, Porkchop, told me to go ahead and request to be put on the team. Because they already had a guitarist and two keyboardists, I pretty much dismissed it.
During the next week, a friend of mine, Lelan, said Porkchop wanted me to join and asked if I had dropped the request yet. Nope, I hadn't dropped it off and wouldn't until there was a need for me. Yesterday I was met by both Porkchop and Lelan, who runs the sound board, and asked if I had put in the request. No. Come to practice tomorrow anyway. Alright. I guess they really want me in there.
I showed up tonight not knowing what they expected me to do since they already had a guitarist, so I asked. Just grab a guitar and put rhythm in. They went off into songs I didn't know and I stood lost with a guitar in my hands. I gradually picked out notes and started picking along on the guitar. I am a self-taught guitar player and know very little music theory, so it's tough for me to fit in unless I know what's going on. This first practice was rough for me but Porkchop said I'll be great and to give it some time.
Today was the first time I helped lead worship during our chapel service. I wasn't nervous at all, but we did some songs I wasn't quite used to yet. Despite the bumps, we praised with a joyful noise. I would like to get to a place where the music I play is not a stumbling block in any way for the rest of the guys.
It's great being a part of a group of guys who have joy and patience with my playing. Instead of looks of disappointment, all I saw were smiles on their faces. This encouraging group makes it much easier to feel in place and play for God instead of worrying about messing up. With some more practice, I should be able to minimize the flaws so everyone in the room can praise in the same way.
Today was the first practice I've had for the worship team. Now the tips of my fingers on my left hand are nearly raw and quite sore. That's the penalty for not playing for two years.
Even though I was a bit rusty, all the chords came back to me pretty quickly and the other guys were very forgiving. None of us are professionals by any measurement, but we lift a joyful noise. There were many times I just sang along, though I knew most of the songs on the guitar already.
Because I have finals on Wednesday when the chapel service is held, I won't be playing then. About halfway through practice I handed the guitar over to another guy so he could get some good time in. It is so great to be playing with these guys who love Christ and encourage one another. Such a better atmosphere than the dorm with all its profanity, insults and plain disrespect.
A couple of weeks ago I was approached by one of the guitarists on the worship team and asked to join as another guitarist. This guy, Barbie, was leaving soon, knew I used to lead worship on the outside and wanted me to take over his position. I told him that I had classes during chapel until the end of the month, but could practice with them until the classes finished if they needed me. In the next week I had several more guys ask me whether I was going to join. Last week I sent a request to the chaplain to take over the guitarist position and told him about my previous experience leading worship prior to my incarceration. In the time it took me to receive an answer, both of the guitarists left the unit. Now I had no way of smoothly transitioning into the choir if I was allowed to join.
Today I received word from the chaplain that he would bring me on to practice for a couple weeks before putting me in during chapel service. That was good news and a relief. Not only have I not played with the worship team at all, but I also have not even touched a guitar since being arrested two years ago. Right now I'm excited to be used by God leading the music, but nervous about getting back in so quickly.
* "Without worship, we go about miserable." - A. W. Tozer
