Back to normal? *

After writing a grievance, the guards finally gave me and the other unclothed guys some pants and a shirt. Amazing the hoops that you have to jump through to get the most basic of tasks completed.

This morning it was announced that the lockdown had been lifted and were able to go to breakfast. I didn't go because I was tired from reading most of the night. We got a hot meal for lunch, too, after days of nothing but PB&J with raisins on the side. The best part about the return to normalcy (or what passes for normalcy) is the open field for soccer and running.

Unfortunately, there were not enough players for soccer so a few of us took shots on goal for a bit.

I felt the need to get at last some exercise in along with the absorption of vitamin D so I ran a little more than a mile. I had to stop due to a sharp pain in my left knee that was caused by either lounging too long while in lockdown, jumping down from my top bunk, or absent-mindedly banging the knee on a table, seat or bunk. I hope it heals soon.


* "The trouble with normal is that it always gets worse." - Bruce Cockburn

Lord, I praise you as the Creator.
Creator of all things, living and dead,
free or imprisoned.

Father, You have allowed me to be in this tight spot,
but You do not abandon me.
My motivation is my and their salvation
and preparation for the end of days.

Spirit, give me words to say,
deeds to act upon,
and love to share without restraint.
Allow me to truly be free
within these walls.

I thank you, Lord,
for every blessing You have bestowed upon me
and for blotting out the stains of my life.

You are the only God
and deserving of everything I have to
give.

The Not-So-Portable Library

This morning I was wakened with the rest of the dorm and told to get all of my property packed to go to the gym for a shakedown search. We were instructed to wear only our boxers and flip flops. I kind of figured that this would happen.

With my mini-library and all of my belongings packed like the classic hobo's blanket and stick, I struggled the 300 yards to the gym. There was probably over 125 lbs. in two bundles banging against my back and knees with every step.

When I got to the gym I put all of my property down for a guard to search through it. At this moment these items are my only belongings in the world. I didn't too much mind everything being searched, but was bothered by the blatant disregard to just throw my property to the ground with pages crinkled and letters folded awkwardly. The guard that searched my stuff took all my clothes, so I was left with only my shorts as boxers, my thermal shirt, and my t-shirt for visitation. No pants, shirt, boxers, or socks.

Upon my return to the dorm I found that my mattress was missing. I have been trying to trade my mattress since I got to this dorm because it had a huge hole and most of the stuffing was missing. Now, when I'm exhausted from being wakened early and lugging my library around, I didn't have a mattress to lay down on for a nap. I was not happy. Hopefully I won't get a disciplinary case for the holes and missing stuffing.

Instead of a comfortable nap, I just passed out for an uncomfortable thirty minutes on the cold steel bunk. At about 6 o'clock I received a new mattress, nice and thick. I'm still waiting for the clothes as I write this after midnight.

At last, quiet

I found that I just might like the lockdown better than the normal goings on (except for the johnny sacks and lack of rec.) I woke up this morning and there was complete silence. No voices whispering, pages rustling, bodies shifting, dominoes being slammed. Just silence. It stayed quiet, the most quiet ever, for the whole afternoon until the evening johnny sacks were delivered. It was great.

Finally I was able to read without distractions and pray without my attention wandering. All too often my eyes are lifted by noise on the TV, loud conversations, or some random interruption. It is difficult to read anything when I have to go back and re-read lines, paragraphs, or entire pages. Today was it such a blessing to be able to escape into the world of C.S. Lewis and enjoy his writing fully.

Life in the "Privilege" Unit

This unit is on a downhill slide as far as inmates are concerned.

Over the past few days there have been multiple gang beatings, gassings, and man lockups. This morning, coming in from rec,a guy was battered to oblivion by a bunch of guys waiting behind the door. This is the kind of stuff you regret hearing about and hate even more to see.

I heard that there is a unit inspection today by the TDCJ officials. Apparently the recent events and ongoing unit problems were bad enough to issue a lockdown. At about eight o'clock tonight everyone was told to stay on their bunks. The dayroom was closed, the TV and lights were turned off and board games were turned in. This lockdown means that the whole unit has to stay on their bunks all day, every day, until the lockdown is lifted. As a result, no rec, no TV, no hot meals, no school, no moving around of any kind.

I really hope everything is dealt with quickly. This is supposed to be a "privilege" unit, in the warden's words. It's not much of a privilege when the actions of a few affect many more, but if it's what is necessary to bring peace back, so be it. I pray that safety and protection would be given to everyone here and that the right decisions would be made to correct the problems.

There goes the neighborhood

This morning, at about 3:30 AM, there was a rush of commotion out in the hall. Even with their faces pressed against the dorm windows, my cellmates couldn't tell what was going on. A few minutes later one of the sergeants came in and told one of the guys in my dorm to pack up his stuff. From their conversation, it sounded like a gang rival had given names of everybody from his hometown and said they were dangerous. The yelling in the hall was one of those who were ratted out; he obviously didn't want to move.

By 4 o'clock there were eight guys in the hall, all but one of them Hispanic. The token white guy was a guy I played soccer with at rec and was definitely not in the right place. He looked quite confused, as did the sergeant when he saw the pale face among the darker Hispanics. A few moments later the white guy carried his belongings back into his dorm.

The guys that were moved were put into cell block, a kind of segregation with two-man cells. Showing their perturbations at being moved, many were hanging on the walls and yelling this afternoon as I went to dinner. A short time later all the fans came on across the unit signaling the use of gas to calm the unruly.


Sometimes I feel like I'm in an Eastern European or developing country election riots with the threatening populace held in check (maybe) by the stoic lawmen through use of chemicals and force. I think their situation makes much more sense most of the time.

Looking for a job?

I've heard about prisons in Texas that have a staffing shortage. I know of one in the panhandle that had to shut down half the prison because too few guards were available to work. And our state government continues to push their desire to build more prisons even though they struggle to keep the 137 prisons they currently operate up and running. If you ask me, I think part of the problem is an overzealous justice system that floods our prisons with too may people that would be better off on probation. But no one is asking me.

Until today I haven't felt the effects of staff shortage for myself. The prisons where I've been housed may have been lacking laborers but, if they were, I didn't know about it or see the effects. Today I had my first taste of the results of under staffing.

When the second shift came on at 2:00, they said that there would not be any rec unless the first shift's guards could be persuaded to stay. There was no one to supervise us if we did go to rec. What I want to know is how this unit can be understaffed to the point of withholding rec if it opened only four months ago, and why it was opened at all if under staffing was imminent.

This is a broken system. I hope people recognize that fact and are working to repair it. This state, and it's citizens, deserve better.

( According to a report on prison growth by the Urban Institutes’ Justice Policy Center, the growth in number of prisons in Texas equates to an extraordinary average annual increase of 5.7 additional prisons per year over the 21-year period. Of the top 10 states ranked from the highest growth to the lowest growth, Texas is again the clear leader growing by 706 percent over the 21-year period. Indeed, Texas is in a league of its own, as it added the most prisons (120), currently has the largest number of prisons in operation (137), and experienced the largest percentage increase (706 percent). See Prisons, Jails and Probation - Overview.)

AC - A modern technology?

Coming in from rec today I noticed something very different. A blast of cool air met me as I came in the door.

Since I arrived at this unit I have been sweating it out almost every day from the high heat of Texas summer. This unit was supposed to have AC but it didn't work. Supposedly, they were waiting on parts that were ordered in January.

Now the AC seems to be fixed. The temperature inside is in the 80's instead of the sweltering 90's. Even though we still have to go shirtless to keep from sweating, it is better than where it was.

Strange Dream

I was on a sinking ship that was military. When it went underwater I was stuck with some other people in a spot with an air bubble . We decided to kick out a window or swim to a higher spot on the ship to escape. When we swam toward the shore we had to cross barbed wire in the water that would only allow us to move through if a wave carried us.

On the shore was a university that I began to attend. It was very old and steeped in tradition. My family was there to see me and to see where I stayed. My dorm was like a classical library, with paintings and books covering the walls.

I saw C. sitting at a table outside with some friends and I asked her if she wanted to walk with me around the campus. She didn't seem happy to see me and just kind of shrugged me off.

I returned to the shore, where wooden bleachers with an awning were set up, and sat down to watch hockey on TV. When the game went to a shootout I left and walked back to the dorm.

On the way I saw that some celebration was going on and people were walking together on the campus sidewalks. There was a familiar guy that met me and we started talking. He was an old friend. He said that he was glad I was back but, sorry, he was with C. now. I didn't know what he was talking about. He said that he had always been with her.

C. came up to us, and she and the guy who I had been talking with hugged. I walked away. I felt like everything had changed and I had to begin a new life with new friends all over again.

My family was in the celebration and was glad to see me.

I woke up depressed and wanting to go home. I missed everyone and was scared of what life might be like when I get out.

Mysteries of Flight

"One's devotion to something cannot be truly steadfast until it has withstood moments of doubt, for the plain reason that nothing is perfect - everything on earth is vulnerable to outside forces that can divert it from its intended or natural course. I remember once hearing a NASA official give an interview during a space shuttle's pre-liftoff.

'We have done all we need to do on our end,' the official told the media. 'We have crossed all of our "t's" and dotted all our "i's", and the shuttle is ready for liftoff. And at this point it is in the hands of God and very good weather.' "

Mohammed Naseehu Ali - "Mysteries of Flight", New Yorker, June 6 ,2008 and June 16, 2008.

Rap at 4 AM

Last night was a long sleepless one. One of the most annoying things in prison for me is the constant noise, mostly beats and rapping. Last night there was both, very loudly and through the door dividing our dorm from the one next door. Guys were gathered at the door crooning R&B, banging the steel, and gangsta rapping.

I've never been a fan of R&B or rap, though I'll occasionally listen to old hip-hop. I tried to just fall asleep, but the thumps kept me from getting there. I moved on and tried reading but I couldn't concentrate. So I just lay in my bunk till around 4 AM when enough guys hit the sack for me to finally slip into slumber.

Parents

Today I had a great visit with my parents. I wasn't expecting a visit because I figured that they would be picking up my siblings from camp and then be too busy with my brother's graduation tomorrow.

We covered the latest news from both the home front and here in prison. But I was really glad to be able to talk with them about the letter from C. They gave perspective and encouragement that I needed to hear, as well as just being a sounding board for me.

I haven't talked about the split with anyone until today. There's really no one here that I feel comfortable talking to about serious issues, mostly because it is tough to get anyone to talk seriously about anything unless it has to do with drugs, sex, sports, gangs, or crime. I wish there were some mature guys here instead of the too-much-testosterone twenty-somethings.

I'm really grateful for parents who made the effort on a busy weekend to come down and visit me. Many times the only thing I want is someone to talk with.

A New Season *

Yesterday I got a letter from C. that I've kind of been expecting to receive since I was sentenced last summer but never wanted to receive. She told me that she wants to end our relationship to focus on her life and her relationship to God. I'm proud of her for doing what she needs to do and wanting to get her priorities straight. While I'm here I shouldn't be anyone's priority.

I spent much of the evening writing a letter to her telling her what I think and sharing memories with her. I spent several hours last night and this morning in prayer for both of us to be drawn closer to God and to be developed into people who are more like Christ.

As much as it hurts to see our relationship close, C. is an amazing girl and a friend that I want to be happy an successful.

“Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons from coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.” - Kent Nerburn

The Ballet of the Masses *

All week I've looked forward to the soccer game tonight. Mexico played Argentina in a game that pitted two great soccer traditions against one another. Argentina has one of my favorite players, Hernan Crespo, and maybe the best player in the world for his age, Lionel Messi. Mexico's team is filled with many young players and few veterans.

Because the game was played so late (kickoff at 10 PM), we had to beg and plead to get the TV to stay on late. If any of the other lieutenants had been there, the TV's probably would have gone off. We were lucky to be able to watch the whole game. I think the main reason it stayed on was because of the many Mexican's that would have caused a headache if the game went off.

The game started quickly with Argentina scoring two goals in the opening fifteen minutes. Messi took part in both, with an assist and a goal. The rest of the game was dominated by Argentina as Mexico's in experience played itself out. The final was 4-1.


* "Football (soccer) is the ballet of the masses." - Dmitri Shostakovich

Teamwork

The last two days have been great on the soccer field. Yesterday I had to wait a while to play before the other teams got off the field. We play to three goals, and then the next team comes out. Many times the next team will recycle a few of the previous team's players. When my team finally got to play we were on fire.

Most guys haven't played soccer before, so they just kick the ball wherever it pings off their foot. A few guys are good players, but they are selfish, trying to all-star through everyone and losing the ball most of the time. The team that I played with had a few of the former, more of the latter, and mostly a third type - the players who know the game and use their team to put the ball in the net.

Both yesterday and today we used teamwork - crisp passes, accurate crosses and clear communication - to put the ball in the net repeatedly. That was the first time that I wasn't frustrated with how my teammates played. I'm so excited to play with capable an cooperative teammates.