While waiting in the hallway for our boss to show up this afternoon, my coworker surprised me. He told me he received a positive answer from parole and he would be leaving soon. That wasn't the surprising part, though. This guy is an atheist but he broke down earlier this week and asked God is He was there and, if so, would He show Himself somehow.
"So, is this a sign or what?" he asked me almost nervously.
"I don't know for sure one way or the other. It would be something worth asking God about. I think if Someone that big wanted your attention He would probably get it. I also think He loves you enough to give you a decent answer."
"Well, it kinda freaked me out, but I guess I'll look into it."
I think it's so cool that God is working on this guy and that he had the courage to ask me about it. I can't give him all the answers, but I can point him in the right direction.
Well, my parole packet is complete and has been sent off to the parole board. I've been working on it for a little over a month with my parents' help typing it up and sending it back for edits. Since I came to prison, I've been writing to the board every couple of months on the advice of some older guys who had done time in the past. I want the parole boardvto see my progress, penitence and desire for release. As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
My parole packet has a cover letter, table of contents, and the most recent letter I wrote to the board. After that I included my version of my offense and each disciplinary case I've received to make sure it's consistent with what they have and that the whole story is told.
Then I have a list of awards and accomplishments that I've received here and also prior to incarceration. I also included copies of certificates I've received.
Next is my parole plan outlining where I will live and work, how I will get around, plans for school and the different groups or individuals I have for support. Next I listed strengths that will help me complete my parole successfully, followed by a list of all the books I've read. Last are a few handpicked letters to the parole board written by family and friends.
Hopefully the board will see how much I have going for me, but at least I know I have done all I can do. God has been with me from the very beginning and nothing I've done toward parole has been done without the help of the Holy Spirit. Now all I do is wait for my interview in the next couple of months and continue to pray for God's wisdom to be with the board as they review my case.
Thank you to all all who have sent letters to the parole board on my behalf. That evidence of support could make the difference in their decision. Please continue to pray with me that the board would find good reason to release me so I can thank y'all in person with a big hug and tears of joy!
"It is too bad we know Jesus' stories so well, or think we do. We have read them so often and heard them expanded in so many sermons that we have all but lost the capacity for hearing them, even let alone for hearing what they are really about..."
"The worst of it, of course, is the way we think we know what Jesus' stories mean. Heaven knows people like me who ought to know better have explained the life out of them often enough, have tried so hard to pound the point that, more often than, all you can hear is the pounding..."
"Is the point of Jesus' stories that they point to the truth about you and me and our stories? We are the ones who have been mugged, and we are also the ones who pass by, pretending we don't notice. Hard as it is to believe, maybe every once in a while we are even the ones who pay an arm or a leg to help..."
"Either life is without meaning, or life doesn't mean a damn thing. You pay your money and you take your choice. Only never take your choice too easily, of course. Never assume that becasue you have taken it one way today, you might not take it another way tomorrow."
"One choice is this: it is to choose to believe that the truth of our story is continued in Jesus' story, which is a love story. Jesus' story is the truth about who we are and who the God is who Jesus says loves us. It is the truth about where we are going and how we are going to get there, if we get there at all, and what are we going to find if we finally do. Only for once, let us not betray the richness and depth and mystery of that truth by trying to explain it.
Let us instead tell a story that is the story about every one of us."
Over the past few days I have felt under attack by doubts. God is obviously at work around me with the shower crew move pending, the worship team, and playing games with the guys in the dorm. I just don't feel close to Him right now and seeing the negative activity around me and the constant complaining makes it difficult for me to see God's hand in it all.
I have been reading a chapter of Frederick Buechner's collection of sermons, Secrets in the Dark, each night. His messages are always bittersweet, recgnition of our own failings mixed with the hope of love and life with our Lord. To know that I'm not the only one who goes through mind games with myself to confuse my deepest beliefs is a consolation.
I will be sticking it out and pursuing a deeper relationship. The environment around me doesn't help, but I deal with it. With God's help.
I talked with Will during Brit Lit today about his plans for getting out. He doesn't have any place to stay, so I'll be praying for something to come his way and looking for ways to encourage and help him out.
Late tonight Opie and I talked about video games and our lives before incarceration. It was fun to reminisce about the fun we had and hear about our different backgrounds. At one point he said he is trying to improve himself inside. What an opening! I told him that the thing that has helped me most has been my faith and relationship with Christ. I said that I believe God has a plan for him and loves him.
I really want to see the guys around me succeed in here, but especially when they get out. I continue to look for opportunities to encourage them towards healthy and productive activities, knowing all the time that God is at work. I hope they come to see the world of opportunities like me (sounds conceited, I know) instead of a set of roadblocks not worth the bother.
Some of you have asked what this symbol is that R Johnson uses when he signs his letters to you. Some have asked if it's a turtle (good guess but incorrect); others have suggested that it may be a deformed arachnid. Wrong again.
This symbol represents the crown of thorns placed on Christ's head as he hung on the cross and the the three nails (one at each wrist and one for both his feet together) that held him there. It is an expression of R Johnson's faith in not only the death we share in Christ but also the resurrection that we will enjoy as a result of our faith in Him.
Tonight has been crazy. This story is just weird. I was talking with a couple guys, sitting on my bunk, when a guard came in asking for someone to come out and sweep the hall. Three other guys volunteered, but the guard asked me to come because she said the others were too loud. As I swept the hall, we chatted about random stuff.
Before I went back into my dorm she asked if I had written entries for the blog lately. I had given her the blog address a couple months ago, but she said she lost it and wanted it written it down again. I told her I would write it down and give it to her when she came around to count.
About an hour after count, one of the sergeants came in and asked me to come to the lieutenant"s office up front. When I got there, the lieutenant asked if I had anything to say. I didn't even know why I was there, si I said no. He started peppering me with questions about my blog and why I was sharing the address with staff.. Was I trying to get one of them to sneak contraband into prison? Was I part of a gang? Was I being extorted by a gang? I said I wasn't part of a gang or being threatened by anyone, and that I only shared my blog with some of the staff so they could see what prison is like form my perspective.
The lieutenant pulled up my blog on his computer and said that he had read through a lot of it and the only thing he saw that was bad was the entry in support of TCU. "We can't have any horned frogs in San Saba," he said in jest.
After talking to me, he said he didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but he was going to put me in solitary for a couple days to "maintain the integrity of the investigation" while he talked with other staff about it. I was put in handcuffs (never a delightful experience) and taken to a cell with a bunk all to myself. The cell was about seven feet wide and twenty feet long with a shower, toilet, sink and a bunk taking up space. There was also a table jutting out of the wall with a steel stool mounted to the floor.
Sitting there without any of my property, including my mattress and blanket, I was nervous about what could happen to me. The case that I could get - "establishing a relationship with an officer - has very bad consequences, including taking away up to a year of good time. I certainly didn't want that. I didn't want anyone else to get into trouble, either.
After an hour of worrying, I had a peace come over me. I thought. "I didn't do anything wrong and there's nothing I can do for the situation. God's in control, so I'm just going to trust Him for whatever happens." That was a cool feeling to have.
The chaplain started a new Bible study this evening called Restoring Joy. It's a twelve-step program to recovering peace and putting hurts behind you by looking at the Beatitudes and a few more of Jesus' teachings.
Tonight we got way off subject a few times, but I think some guys still learned even from the rabbit trails. A few of the guys asked some very elementary questions and others that were more plainly misguided. I hope this class gives them a more solid foundation on which to place their faith and reveals to them a God with whom they really would want a relationship.
The subject matter tonight was a lot of milk for me. I'm sure I will get a new perspective on who I am (or at least receive a good reminder) but I think the class is tailored to young Christians. I pray that everyone taking part fall deeper in love with the only God who loves us.
The chaplain started a new Bible study this evening called Restoring Joy. It's a twelve-step program to recovering peace and putting hurts behind you by looking at the Beatitudes and a few more of Jesus' teachings. From flipping through the book it looks like it will be a good twelve weeks.
Tonight we got way off subject a few times, but I think some guys still learned even from the rabbit trails. A few of the guys asked some very elementary questions and some others that were plainly misguided. I hope this class gives them a more solid foundation on which to place their faith and reveals to them a God with whom they really would want a relationship.
The subject matter tonight was a lot of milk for me. I'm sure I will get a new perspective on who I am (or at least receive a good reminder) but I think the class is tailored to young Christians. I pray that everyone taking part falls deeper in love with the only God who loves us.
Servants: men and women without standing, without accomplishment, without influence.
The core element in a servant identity is not being God, not being in charge, not taking the initiative.
Or, to put it positively, a servant enters into what has already been decided by another, what is already going on, alert to the gestures and guidance of the Master.
The servant doesn't know the whole story, doesn't know the end from the beginning.
All the while he is also aware that there is far more going on, both good and evil, than he has any knowledge of. . He lives, in other words, in a mystery but not in confusion.
A good servant is ever eager to trust and obey and honor God as the sovereign who is personal and present -
Yahweh:God here and now.
The greatest among you must be a servant.But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. - Matthew 23:11-12
Last night I had a good discussion with Biscuit about what we believe. He calls himself a pagan and says he follows the pagan bible. I've never met a pagan so I was curious to find out what it was all about. Our discussion lasted from getting off work until breakfast - several hours - and was not antagonistic at all. That is, except for the interruptions from Ugly (Ugly is his chosen nickname) where he just called Biscuit stupid over and over again for believing what he does and not in Christianity.
Biscuit said pagans believe that everyone can become a god if they do something worth remembering, good or bad. I asked him what the benefit of being a god would be if you are dead. His reply was that you are remembered, nothing else. He said he prays to gods, but doesn't think that they actually do anything. Biscuit also asserts that each person has a personal heaven and hell especially made for them. Right and wrong is whatever you want it to be, not absolute at all.
I told him there has to be an absolute right and wrong or else there wouldn't be universal laws against harming another person. I explained to him how the Christian life life should be lived like Christ and, if that is done, no harm will be done to anyone. He wanted to know why Jesus, so I explained that Jesus was God's Son and had many witnesses to the miracles that he did, including resurrection. I know the conversations that I have will never sway anyone to Christ, but I pray that the Holy Spirit would work in their lives. I really don't want any of these guys to come back to prison or suffer a worse fate later on.
"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." - 1 Corinthians 3:6-7
Through the reading assignment the professor gave us Monday, I figured he was giving a clue to his own philosophical leanings. He had us read a section about Plato and his allegory of the cave, then skip forward 400 pages to the Nietzschean philosophy of the overman (Übermensch) and slave versus master mentality. Sure enough, the prof told the class upfront that his favorite philosophers are Nietzsche and Heidegger (curiously, both are strongly committed to Nazism...creepy!) He said he views himself as the overman and the rest of society as the underman to be taken advantage of and dominated. The overman is supposed to be an enlightened person with his own created purpose. God is dead and so man is left to create his own fate.
Is it just me or does this guy sound completely full of himself? The sad thing is that many of the guys in class have no real foundation on which to stand and so they follow the prof's (misguided) authority. He is challenging us to be better thinkers but has a nihilistic view that offers little hope to his audience.
For me, the class has forced me to dig deeper into my faith and find out what I believe and why. Of course, I will always have doubts, but everyone has doubts every now and then, no matter what philosophy you ascribe to. I recognize that my faith is fragmentary and can't explain everything because - would you believe it? - my finite mind can't comprehend the infinite. That's why it's called faith.
Nothing is more practical than finding God, than falling in love in a quiet absolute, final way.
What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evening, how you spend your weekends, what you read, whom you know, what breaks you heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
I got last night off from work even though most of the other guys went out. I guess they don't quite honor federal holidays around here despite the title Labor Day.
I actually like my job pretty well. The hours are odd but fit my schedule just fine. I'm used to staying up all night for the quiet anyway. I like being able to move around the unit and see different people every night. I'm often able to talk with my friends in the other dorms that I otherwise wouldn't see.
I'm still having trouble with courage to share my faith. I know I should be having purposeful conversations with guys, but I just don't know when to do it. The dorm has guys who will jump in to cannibalize conversation and I'm always running or playing soccer while at rec. It's something I want to do more often but can't find good opportunities.
"We get bogged down because we forget our purpose. We forget that what we are to be about is God - in our worship, in our learning, in our mission and in our service.
" We look for the quick and easy fix, the kind of thing that feels good. The prosperity gospel is so much more appealing than the real gospel. These things we do together - faithful worship and study, sharing our goods, taking care of those in need - these are not easy. They don't come naturally. That is why it is important we stay in community; we cannot go it alone. It is impossible for a Christian to be in isolation.
"... It would reflect the true gospel if we were able to say, 'Do you want to know why I like [my church]? I like it because it challenges me to grow in my relationship with God. I like it because it does not simplify capture, co-opt, and agree with the culture. I like it because I sense God's real active presence. I like it because we're a giving church. I like it because we help people.'
"...[H]ere's the only thing we [the church] really have: Christ. All we have to offer is Christ crucified, Christ died, and most importantly, Christ risen. It is, in the eyes of the world, not much. It is not enjoyment. It is not entertainment. It is not self-help. It is not the prosperity gospel. In the eyes of the world, it is nothing... but to those of us who have been saved, it is the power of God. It is nothing and it is everything."
[Referring to Revelation] "The world around John is detestable according to Rome's standards (Rome was certainly 'respectable') but, according to the standards of his great prophetic tradition, flowing backwards from Jesus, to David, to Elijah, and to Moses, the economy of Rome is not worthy of God's creation, according to this tradition. Rather, we should look to Moses' anti-imperial politics of debt-forgiveness, land redistribution, welcoming immigrants, keeping honest scales in the market, not charging interest or defrauding your neighbor, and helping even one's enemies - all of it worlds apart from the Roman empire.
And for the early Christians this was a major point of debate: Can they eat meat and wine of Rome? Can they eat the food that is polluted by the imperial cult?
...It is not easy to pull out of a relationship of dependency and romance. of lavish gifts and captivating beauty, especially with a bride as beautiful as Rome."
Now, substitute all occurrences of the word "Rome" with "America".
"We may live in the best Babylon in the world... but it is still Babylon and we are called to come out of her." - Tony Campolo*
It turns out the goal posts were only gone for a day so that the holes could be welded shut. Unfortunately, most of the the guys hadn't heard about the return so we were playing short-sided today - only 4-on-4.
I also had some good conversations with some guys in the dorm. The guy who bunks next to me really encouraged me by telling me to continue living out my faith just like I have. I have a lot of anxiety about the way I present myself and take much caution to not spoil my witness to the people around me. (* 1 Peter 2:12, 3:13-16)
The other conversation I had was with my bunkmate, Goat. He's been having a hard time in correspondence with his wife and kids. He's been taking a lot of his stress out through anger and just messing with people. I tried to encourage him and gave him a few tips on how to get stress out differently, like running or working out. I'm really hoping things work out on the home front and he decides to change his attitude so that it carries out into the world in a healthy way.
In regard to Christian politics, some might say,"Sure, my citizenship is ultimately in heaven, but I have to live in the 'real world' now." In other words, acting heavenly on earth is too risky; or, Jesus was the Son of God, but he was not realistic; or, following the Sermon on the Mount will not work on earth, so it will have to suffice in heaven. This interpretation basically comes to mean that citizenship in heaven means nothing in the real world. Believers are then left with participating in the normal patterns of citizenship, with exploitive economy and violent militarism among its sins.
But, the problem is that Jesus' kingdom (and Paul's "citizenship in heaven") was about the real world, here and now. It was about allegiance. Jesus and Paul were telling the people that they must live here with their identities as aliens. They must live by the rules of heaven amid the violent earthly powers. And to claim that one's citizenship is in heaven is to say that you pledge allegiance not to any of the kingdoms of the world but to Jesus and the body of those who take on his suffering, enemy-loving posture toward the world. This is what Peter meant when he called the church a "holy nation, a people set apart". a people who are supposed to live as "aliens and strangers in this land.
Yesterday, after a week of "johnnies", we finally got to go back to the chow hall to eat. On the menu for the day: BBQ pork links for lunch and sweet and sour pork for dinner. The pork links were good but I think the kitchen workers lost their groove because the pork rolls were burned to a crisp. Today's meals: both pork, also. After a long stretch of PB&J we are now having a pork marathon. At least we get veggies this time around.
One of the guys in the dorm told me about his dream last night. He dreamed that I got the death penalty for something and that I was scheduled to be executed the next day. In his dream he was trying to argue on my behalf to get me off the hook because he knew that I would never do anything to deserve the death penalty (his words.) He said he felt like it was a message for him to learn as much from me about Christ as possible in the time we have. I hope that it doesn't mean death for me, but I'm excited at the chance to share my faith with someone willing to listen. Thank you, God, for opportunities. Lord, give me the insight and strength to share with others.
* Colossians 4:4-6 - "Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Today I got another surprise visit from someone I hadn't seen in over a year: my aunt! She lives nearby so it's convenient (well, more convenient than where I was in my last unit.)
She gave me so much encouragement as we spent two hours talking about her life and my situation, and how we are both pushing through tough times with God's help. She continued to remind me of the opportunity and responsibility to share Christ's love with the people around me.
I find it hard to have quality relationships here. At all my previous places I've been able to have real conversations with people about life and faith, but here, because of the close quarters, you can't bring up anything without someone chiming in or making it public business. I'm trying to share who I am but I find myself just keeping to myself, reading most of the time. Part of it is trying to avoid getting caught up in the mostly stupid events in the dorm.
