"Lo, I woke up and it was beautiful blue sunshine sky and I went out in my alpine yard and thereit was, everything Japhy siad it was, hundreds of miles of pure snow-covered rocks and virgin lakes and high timber, and below, instead of the world, I saw a sea of marshmallow clouds, flat as a roof and extending miles in every direction, creaming all the valleys, what they call low-level clouds, on my 6600- foot pinnacle it was far below me. I brewed coffee on the stove and came out and warmed my mist-drenched bones in the hot sun of my little woodsteps. I said "tee-hee" to a big furry cony and he calmly enjoyed a minute with me gazing at the sea clouds. I made bacon and eggs, dug a garbage pit a hundred yards down the trail, hauled wood and identified landmarks with my panoramic and firefinder and named all the magic rocks and clefts, names Japhy sung to me so often: Jack Mountain, Mount Terror, Mount Fury, Mount Challenger, Mount Despair, Golden Horn, Sourdough, Crater Peak, Ruby, Mount Baker, bigger than the world in the western distance, Jackass Mountain, Cinnamon, Trouble, Lightning, and Freezeout. And it was all mine, not another human pair of eyes in the world were looking at this immense cycloramic universe of matter."

- Jack Kerouac, Dharma Bums

Where two or three come together... *

For the past few months I've felt pulled by God to start a prayer group in the dorm. Being human and lacking courage to stand up in such a hostile environment, I ignored the tugging. It never went away, but just stayed there like a nagging mother telling me to clean my room. And like when I was a child, I eventually listened when I couldn't stand the nagging anymore - admittedly not the best way for obedience to come about.

Last weekend I asked a few guys if they would join me Monday morning for prayer after breakfast and prayed that God would give us favor and strength to show up. On Monday after breakfast the three guys I had invited sat down with me in the day room I read Romans 12:9-21 about living the Christina life and encouraged them to be Christ's ambassadors of light in this dark place. We shared prayer concerns and praises, then entered into prayer together, ending in the Lord's Prayer.

We met for the third time this morning and I am thankful for the small sense of community we have. I hope that God would use us to show others more of Himself. God's glory and love are what I aim to display. I haven't seen any changes yet, but I know God will be working.

*"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." - Matthew 18:20 (New International Version)

Rules or no rules?

Sometimes I wish the guards would work according to the rules given to them. Unfortunately, there are so many conflicting ways that things run here that I don't think anyone is sure what's going on.

Today I was supposed to go to music practice at 2:30 and had a lay-in for the appointed time. A lay-in is a printed pass for inmates to go places for a certain time, such as a medical appointment or school. It should not be questioned by either inmate or guards because, if the inmate is late by 30 minutes or doesn't show up, the inmate receives a disciplinary case.

At 2:15 I reminded the guard on my hall that I had to go to music practice soon and showed him my lay-in. He said that he would wait for a call to let me out. Once 2:30 passed, I asked him if I could leave. He replied that the call had not come.

"My lay-in says 2:30 on it so I should be there right now. Isn't the lay-in a pass to go somewhere"

"Yeah, but I have to wait for the call from corridor."

"Last week the chaplain said that if we got a lay-in we should just come. You can call him to check."

When the guard tried to call him, the chaplain wasn't there so he told me to just wait.

"You know, I can get a disciplinary case if I'm late, right?"

"No, you'll be okay."

At a little past 3:00 the chaplain called asking where I was and the guard let me out. I won't be getting a case but I was kept from one of my responsibilities. We only have two hours per week to practive and learn new stuff and I was forced to miss a quarter of that time.

Differences - Similarities

After about two months of reading I've finally finished the abridged version of Gulag Archipelago by Alexsander Solzhenitsyn. It brought to life some of the worst cruelties of history and made me appreciate the justice system we have here today.

In Stalin's day, anyone could be picked off the street or dragged from bed by the NKVD at any time for any reason. After arrest,torturous investigations and a cramped jail cell would follow. Inevitably, the detainee would land in a labor camp to be worked to death or picked over by their fellow "zeks" for every last bit of wealth. Those boots with a hole in the toe? Gone.

It was completely brutal.

We have fair trials and humane living arrangements that would have been close to paradise for the zeks, but I noticed a few similarities between that system and our own.

There are still many inmates who have no respect for their fellow man and will many times exploit whoever they can. Also, the guards (not all, but more than a few) relish their power and will abuse it at a moment's notice. Usually it's only in small ways that cannot be countered with a complaint, but the abuse it there.

Finally, like the gulag system, the Texas prison system operates at near maximum capacity. I assume it's so that no money is wasted on running facilities that aren't full, but there are many guys in prison who shouldn't be there and the parole board has not been rewarding positive changes with release.

I was very glad to read Gulag, but it's time to read something a bit happier. I just started The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac, and though it has some crazy stuff in it so far, the writing about nature puts a smile on my face.

Good news when you can find it

I got good news today. The book return I've been working on for seemingly eternity has gone through. The bookstore is actually sending two books to recompense all my trouble! Thank you, Atomic Comics! It's great to deal with decent people every now and then.

To reach the point of the day in which I received the good news, however, I had to deal with another mailroom snag. This written grievance (below)should explain it all. At least the comic store has shown some understanding. The mailroom just doesn't make sense.

Grievance – July 27, 2009

On the morning of July 24, 2009, I went to the mailroom where I was denied a campus information packet from Boston Architectural College. About two weeks ago, when the packet was sent straight from the college, it was spiral-bound and had a hologram cover. I asked the mailroom if the paper information inside the binding could be cut out. She said no because it would be an altered publication. I told her I had the same thing happen last year with a publication and the mailroom just cut the spiral out. That occurred 4/01/08 and I still have the publication after three unit shakedowns.

I then asked if I could have the Boston Architecture College packet sent home, cut out, and sent back to me. She said I could and it would probably work. At my own expense of $3.00 in postage, I sent the packet home to be cut apart and sent back.

Today it was denied after being taken apart and separated from the spiral binding and sent together with the hologram cover. The mailroom called it an altered publication and would not allow me to receive it even after advising the action that I took would probably be okay.

It does not make sense to deny an informational packet about a college. I am trying to research and prepare to continue my college education upon release and am met with opposition.

Also, I have received altered publications many times in the form of newspaper and magazine clippings. I still have in my possession the publication that the mailroom removed the spiral binding from last April ’08 and have never received trouble for it.

The hologram cover also should not be a problem. There is at least one book in the library I can think of – Pick Me Up - that has a plastic hologram cover that is obviously not thought of as a threat.

There is nothing dangerous about excerpts from a college’s informational publication.

Action Requested: Allowance of the Boston Architectural College information packet to be received by offenders upon removal of the spiral binding.

Things change, things stay the same.

Last week Opie left the dorm to go to cell block. For some reason he decided he didn't want to work anymore, so he just stayed in the dorm, racked up a few disciplinary cases, and went to cell block.I really don't know what's going on with that guy. I tried to bring him around and make him realize what he was doing but he didn't care. He always has to be talking to someone so I don't know know why he went to cell block where he'll probably be in a cell on his own. I hope he comes aorund eventually because that kind of attitude gets nobody anywhere.

Since Opie left, the light used for tattooing blew out and a couple of other guys got moved out. Now the dorm is much quieter. I'm really enjoying the peace (relative peace; the TV is always on and guys are always talking) and have finished quite a few things. I've been reading and writing more. I plan to finish Gulag Archipelago by this weekend so I can move on to lighter fare, and the parole packet has been coming together, too. I hope this quiet lasts for a long time to come.

Red Tape

Back in May I started a long process to order a book for a Warcraft-themed roleplaying game. Before this new warden arrived in January, we were able to fill out a withdrawal request form and turn it in with an order at the commissary window. From there, the request would be approved by the unit administration and forwarded to the inmate trust fund in Huntsville for the money to be withdrawn as a money order and sent with the inmate's order to the company.

Now that's a long enough process itself, but the new warden, in his infinite wisdom on how a smooth-running unit should operate, added more steps to the process. Before an inmate can even turn in the request to commissary, the have to send a request to the mail room asking if the desired book has been approved and, if affirmative, turn in the mail room's answer to the commissary with everything else.

A problem I've run into a few times is that the book I want to order has not been reviewed and permission is denied because it hasn't been approved. Most of the books I receive are not on the list of approved books, but do not have objectionable material and are allowed in. Why we can't order unreviewed books when we receive then all the time is beyond me.

Back to the current order. The order went all the way to completion and my reception of a book. Unfortunately, the book I received was not the book I ordered. Instead of email or phone call to ask about an exchange, I had to write a letter and wait two weeks for a response. The company apologized for its mistake and offered to exchange at no extra cost to me. I got this letter in the middle of June. Since then I have been trying to send this book back, finally meeting success today.

I wrote a letter outlining the exchange, put it with the book in an envelope and asked the mail room to weigh it for postage. They said they wouldn't do it; the book had to be released through property for them to weigh it.

So two weeks ago I had the book, letter and envelope confiscated. Last Friday I went to the property room to confirm that I needed the package weighed. Today I found out it would take $10.30 worth of stamps to go out. I had to wipe out my stash and borrow some from friends for it to go out tomorrow.

I hope this saga comes to a happy ending soon. The red tape and hurdles have made the process a very tiring one.

Not a conflict of interest

About a month ago I asked one of my supervisors for shower crew if he was allowed to write a letter of recommendation to the parole board on my behalf. I've heard of it being done at my previous unit but not from anyone here. He said that he didn't know but to send a request form to the captain to find out. After a week, the captain wrote back saying he didn't know the policy and to ask the warden.

Last week I received the warden's answer: a firm NO.

Despitethe parole board's statement that supervisor's recommendations are accepted, apparently the warden would rather root out all chances of collusion to the detriment of those of us inmates who have performed well and developed a healthy rapport and sense of respect without supervisors. There really is no reward for working hard as an inmate in this system.

Always learning - a good thing

Along with my research into schools to transfer into upon release, I am also reading up on the major that I want to study - architecture - to make sure that it's really what I want to do. One of my goals is a career that allows me to create beautiful, useful things using my creative and mathematical talents in tandem. From what I've read so far, architecture fits that goal well with an aim to create functional buildings that please the senses.

I read a book from the unit library that was a very brief overview of architecture, but it had at the back a list of books for further reading. Not knowing how those books compare, I sent the list home in a letter and asked if someone could look into them to see which were worthwhile. As an extraordinary blessing, my mom ordered some of them as an early birthday present.

Over the past few weeks I've been going through them fairly seriously, taking notes as I read so I retain more, and have a reference to look back on down the road. So far, it's been mostly basics and how to consider existing architecture with a critical mindset, but from flipping through the other books, I think I will get a decent foundation of knowledge. In any case, I'm learning - and that's a good thing.

Staying put

I learned today that the shower crew move is not going to happen. I went to the lieutenant's office to comment on a grievance I had written and as I was leaving, I asked how soon we night be moved. He replied that he had tried hard to make it happen, but the higher-ups had rejected his idea. Instead, they want to put two shower crew in each dorm. I doubt that would work well because the dorm janitors in each dorm already don't do their job, which in turn makes our job harder.

As much as I would have liked to move, it's not a big deal that we're staying put. It was surprising and flattering, that I was asked to help create it in the first place. The other guys have poked fun that I am respected more by the third shift guards (our shower crew supervisors). It's just been hard work and respect from me that has put me in their favor. If the other guys would not mouth off and would do their assigned job, they would build some rapport with the guards. Instead, they shirk their duties at every opportunity and hurl insults for no reason.

Over the past few days I have felt under attack by doubts. God is obviously at work around me with the shower crew move pending, the worship team, and playing games with the guys in the dorm. I just don't feel close to Him right now and seeing the negative activity around me and the constant complaining makes it difficult for me to see God's hand in it all.

I have been reading a chapter of Frederick Buechner's collection of sermons, Secrets in the Dark, each night. His messages are always bittersweet, recgnition of our own failings mixed with the hope of love and life with our Lord. To know that I'm not the only one who goes through mind games with myself to confuse my deepest beliefs is a consolation.

I will be sticking it out and pursuing a deeper relationship. The environment around me doesn't help, but I deal with it. With God's help.

Make a joyful noise

Today was the first time I helped lead worship during our chapel service. I wasn't nervous at all, but we did some songs I wasn't quite used to yet. Despite the bumps, we praised with a joyful noise. I would like to get to a place where the music I play is not a stumbling block in any way for the rest of the guys.

It's great being a part of a group of guys who have joy and patience with my playing. Instead of looks of disappointment, all I saw were smiles on their faces. This encouraging group makes it much easier to feel in place and play for God instead of worrying about messing up. With some more practice, I should be able to minimize the flaws so everyone in the room can praise in the same way.