Another wrinkle

Well. today I got some not-so-great news. I'm not going to be able to finish my associate's degree. I lack a required computer proficiency credit.

I talked to one of the college counselors today about it and we couldn't come up with a solution other than getting the credit when I get out, but I'll be transferring to a four-year school anyway. The only computer course they offered here filled up before I had the chance to sign up. And the next computer class won't start until I'm about to leave this unit.

I had hoped to have a measured accomplishment to present to parole, but now that's out the window. I guess the bundle of random credits I have amassed will have to do. Now I work on my parole packet, read up on architecture, and research schools.

Changes afoot

I had an amazing event occur two days ago. The lieutenant in charge of the shower crew pulled me aside at dinner to ask if I thought it would be possible to clean the entire unit with only ten workers.

"Sure," I replied, "but the showers need to get completely clean first. In their current condition we'll be out all night."

"Okay. I was thinking about moving shower crew back to south hall - where you used to be. Do you think you can find ten hard workers?"

"Yes, sir."

"Alright. Give me a list on Sunday night of the guys you want down there with you. Make sure four of them are minorities, too."

I had just been asked to create my own custom dorm, unheard of for any inmate. I chose quite a few quickly, friends that I play games with and also work alongside. For the last five I was stuck so I asked a few guys around the dorm and got four more.

I couldn't figure out or persuade anyone to fill the last spot so I prayed about it, left the spot blank, and turned in my list. I hope we willl move quickly. This dorm is getting crazy with tattooing, smoiking, and just plain craziness. A small, quiet dorm would be a real blessing.

Milestone

My finals are over.

These should be the last couple of classes I need for my associate of arts degree, And I passed these both with A's.

The British Literature final was over Pygmalion and Harry Potter and felt more like an AR (Accelerated Reader, a program in public schools to encourage reading) test. The questions were all over details and never any deeper than what you could read on the pages of the book. This makes sense because we didn't go very deep in class, either.

The US History final was little tougher. I spent an hour last night studying and did a little more this afternoon. The studying paid off with a 96 on the final itself, which covered mostly post-WWII but also included material back to Lincoln.

I talked to one of the advisors that works at Central Texas College today. She looked over my transcript and said that I had a few holes. One of the holes should be filled by AP scores that the main campus has. (Apparently, CTC and the "campus" here keep two separate sets of records.) The other hole is a basic computer proficiency course which was only offered once and filled up before I could take it. I told her I could easily demonstrate my computer skills - I worked as a graphic artist and did a bit of web design before incarceration. I just don't know that there is any way to get credit for knowing this stuff if I don't take the class.

Now I'm just waiting to hear what the solution is. Until then, I'm researching colleges to attend on release.

Getting reacquainted

Today was the first practice I've had for the worship team. Now the tips of my fingers on my left hand are nearly raw and quite sore. That's the penalty for not playing for two years.

Even though I was a bit rusty, all the chords came back to me pretty quickly and the other guys were very forgiving. None of us are professionals by any measurement, but we lift a joyful noise. There were many times I just sang along, though I knew most of the songs on the guitar already.

Because I have finals on Wednesday when the chapel service is held, I won't be playing then. About halfway through practice I handed the guitar over to another guy so he could get some good time in. It is so great to be playing with these guys who love Christ and encourage one another. Such a better atmosphere than the dorm with all its profanity, insults and plain disrespect.

Words of Wisdom

"Not to bring up something upsetting, but when you leave here today, you may go through a period of unemployment. My suggestion is this: Enjoy the unemployment. Have a second cup of coffee. Go to the park. Read Walt Whitman. Walt Whitman loved being unemployed. I don't believe he ever did a day's work in his life. As you may know, he was a poet. If a lot of time goes by and you continue to be unemployed, you may want to announce to all appropriate parties that you have become a poet."

- John Patrick Shanley, commencement '09 at College of Mt. St Vincent

"There is no such thing as a self-made man or woman. Never was, never will be. We are all, as were those in the footsteps we follow, shaped by influences and examples of countless others - parents, grandparents, friends, rivals. And by those who wrote the music that moves us to our souls, those whose performance on the playing field or stage that took our breaths away, those who wrote the great charters which are the bedrock of our system of self-government. And so many who, to our benefit, struggles and suffered through times of trouble and grave uncertainty. And by teachers ... I want to stress as emphatically as I can the immmeasurable importance of teachers."

- David McCullough, commencement '09 at University of Oklahoma

(both excerpted by The New York Times, Sunday, June 14, 2009)

To not go about miserable *

A couple of weeks ago I was approached by one of the guitarists on the worship team and asked to join as another guitarist. This guy, Barbie, was leaving soon, knew I used to lead worship on the outside and wanted me to take over his position. I told him that I had classes during chapel until the end of the month, but could practice with them until the classes finished if they needed me. In the next week I had several more guys ask me whether I was going to join. Last week I sent a request to the chaplain to take over the guitarist position and told him about my previous experience leading worship prior to my incarceration. In the time it took me to receive an answer, both of the guitarists left the unit. Now I had no way of smoothly transitioning into the choir if I was allowed to join.

Today I received word from the chaplain that he would bring me on to practice for a couple weeks before putting me in during chapel service. That was good news and a relief. Not only have I not played with the worship team at all, but I also have not even touched a guitar since being arrested two years ago. Right now I'm excited to be used by God leading the music, but nervous about getting back in so quickly.

* "Without worship, we go about miserable." - A. W. Tozer

What's your worldview?

In a place like this you come across many different worldviews, some of which are very different from what society would call normal. With such people it becomes difficult to discuss anything of value - plans for the future, family, friends - without one side becoming completely frustrated by the other. I often am the one to back off as I don't want things to escalate.

Most guys have similar mindsets, that the street life they lived really is a life worth continuing after their release. They see the best approach to any problem is to be aggressive and to stand up for yourself through harsh words and, if necessary, violence. I think a lot of this is just posing to seem appear tougher that they are among their peers.

The guy have been talking with lately has a very different view from my own. Lewis proclaims to be a street punk from Houston, though he is from the suburbs and spent some time going to the University of Houston. He believes there needs to be a violent revolution that reverts civilization to its roots in anarchy. He says he places no value on any human life other than his own, which is obviously just a front because he relates with and eats with others every chance he gets. Again, I think this "out there" philosophy is just a very young guy hoping to get a reaction and some attention.

In all serious conversations I have with guys, I try to give positive options like investing in family relationships or pursuing a job they will enjoy. Many have given up on living a productive life as a member of their community. I do the best I can to reignite plans for a future that builds, not destroys, lives around them. I hope at least a little bit of what I say resonates and sinks in so they don't come back here.

Yielding to Time *

Today marks two years of my being incarcerated. By no means have those years been easy, but I owe a lot to family and friends for making my time here more comfortable with letters, visits, commissary, books and prayers. I've also done as much as I can to make this time productive by reading, taking college classes and researching schools for when I get out.

I spent five months in county jail before boarding a bus in chains to be herded like cattle at an intake facility. I moved from cage to cage for twelve hours answering surveys, getting my head shaved, showering ina crowd, receiving clothes, and finally going to a dorm. I stayed at the intake facility for about two weeks as the system took blood, did physical and psychological testing and interviewed me.

Next I went to a unit in east Texas where I was in the "hoe squad", doing the farmwork outside. I liked the hoe squad because we worked outside and with our hands, even if we didn't really have a purpose for working most of the time. That unit is where I started my heavy reading. I ended up finishing 60 books in 2008, far more than I could have ever read outside or even imagined reading in one year.

In March of last year I arrived at my current unit. I moved around to four different dorms in my first four months - one because of a fight, one because the dorm became a kitchen workers' dorm, and one move for a job change to my current job on the shower crew. Here I could play soccer and run every day and in August I started college classes, which has been the best use of my time so far. I should receive my associates of arts degree this summer.

Now I look forward to possibly seeing parole this fall. I have extreme gratitude for everyone who has written letters on my behalf to the parole board. I'm hopeful for a positive answer and release this winter. Until then, I stay in the Word and continue to try to impact the guys around me for the better. Thank y'all for your support and prayers for me and my family!

* Who forces time is pushed back by time; who yields to time finds time on his side. ~The Talmud

No Privacy

Privacy here is a luxury that no one can find. It is impossible to get away from other people, even going to the restroom or showering. I miss having solitude to read and relax in.

It took a lot of getting used to, sitting on the toilet with a view of the whole dorm and four other guys in the restroom with me. It's still very weird to sit there and have someone right by your side getting hot water from the hot pot. Lots of guys hold conversations while they're back there. That's a little too well-adjusted for me.

Our showers are better than any other unit I've been at - they are single stalls with half doors. However, you are still in full view of the entire dorm. That is definitely the strangest thing about the dorm. Lots of guys sing to themselves in the shower and the sound carries easily to the bunk area. The community living here takes some major adjustment that I'm still not comfortable with.

University for Criminal Behavior

This weekend when my parents came to visit I told them about the bill in the state legislature to reduce the required time for aggravated crimes before the inmate sees parole. Currently, the required time is 50% of the sentence; I believe the bill reduces it to 38%. I encouraged my parents to contact their representative if they felt strongly about either side. My dad asked my opinion based on my experience over the past two years in prison.

I explained that rehabilitation services exist in prison but are woefully inadequate. Often there is no motivation for either the inmate or instructor to take the classes serioulsy, so at the end of the class, all the inmate has received is an empty certificate. Just like our meals in the dining hall, it looks good on paper but is not very edifying.

From my own experience in counseling, I think it is a great alternative to straight prison time. Unfortunately, counseling services are almost nonexistent in prison. I've heard that they exist but have never seen them. So, the guys who need real behavioral changes are left in a place without good resources and left with less time for mandatory counseling upon parole. Overall, I think there are far better options for rehabilitation outside these walls.

On a related note, I think there are far too many people sent to prison when it would be far less expensive to keep them on probation. Housing an inmate costs the state around $250,000 per year, while probation costs around $3000 per year. While on probation, a person is also still contributing to the economy because they are required to maintain a job and they would be purchasing products.

Prison is too much of a university for criminal behavior to send and keep so many people housed here. I have learned all kinds of things that I've never wanted to know: how to steal from vending machines, rob stores successfully, grow mushrooms, cook meth, and more. It's strange to watch new people come in and slowly adapt to the prison environment, guys that think they have to prove their manhood or coolness to survive. They pick up all kinds of habits and attitudes from this culture that only serves to prevent them from reintegrating into real society. How this is good for anyone is beyond me.

I believe prisons are valid punishment for many crimes, however the overpopulation of prisons shows that the justice system has been heavy-handed toward some guys for whom there are better solutions. Those who make single mistakes, for the most part, should be given second chances under supervision, while prison should be reserved for the worst crimes and unrepentant repeat delinquencies.

The Library Blues

Our unit library has been closed since the last lockdown in March. I have patiently waited for it to open up again so I can finish the book I started and also do some college research. We were supposed to go last weekend but they closed it before our dorm was allowed to go, then didn't open it for the rest of the weekend - our only chance to go because they won't let us go during the week.

The same thing happened today but with a bit of drama added. As I exited the dining hall I saw a few guys from my dorm headed to the library. When I got to the dorm the hall officer let me head out, also. Unfortunately, the officer running the library had sent the inmate librarian back to his dorm and closed the library. I asked why he had closed it when it was our scheduled day to go; his reply was that it was ten minutes till the time it was supposed to close and we could go with the other "stuck-outs" on Sunday.

In theory this sounds good (except the part about closing early; that's dumb and lazy), but all the inmates know that stuck-outs are only run once the stars align just so. So what we heard was that we could not go to the library. I wrote a grievance and encouraged the others to do the same, but doubt it will make a difference. It doesn't seem fair that only some inmates are allowed to go to the library while others are not.

Bible Study long-distance

This week I started a new Bible study, though this one is through correspondence with the American Bible Academy. It is free to inmates and their spouses, so if you know anyone who is interested, you can pass on the word.

The study I have begun is on the Gospel of John. After this one comes a pair of studies on Christian doctrine, then Acts and Galatians. The study on John is mostly just reading the verses and answering questions about the details. There isn't much to slow you down with thinking so I have to pause every now and then to think deeper and pray about what I've read.

There has been one good section on Christ's discussion with Nicodemus about baptism that went beyond the text to show why baptism is necessary. I miss being able to talk about and go deeper in Scripture with a group of friends like I did in the college ministry I was involved in before I was incarcerated. This is a good substitute, though. There's just not a lot of meaty stuff so far.

Rabbit Trails

The Brit Lit class I am taking is two and a half hours long but only about an hour is spent in instruction. The rest of the time is spent way off topic and is initiated by both the teacher and a few of the students. Today i kept track of the topics that the teacher brought up, just curious to see where we went today.

First, we traveled into the past as we heard about a teacher that our instructor's kids had. Our instructor told us about the grudge she held against this teacher for correcting her kids in class about some conservative idea. Our instructor said she was glad to watch this teacher's kids grow up to be the harlot and drug dealer of the school without their parent's knowing.

Next we went to her home as she bragged about her vintage roses. She proudly displays them in front of her house, even though they are so untrimmed that the local code enforcement officer has asked her several times to trim them. She then complained that the code enforcer seemed to pick on her more than anyone else in the neighborhood and that she constantly argues with him. One guy asked her why she doesn't do something nice for him, like make him some cookies. She replied that she didn't like the guy.

Finally she talked about her furniture that has been passed down through her family. It's supposed to be worth bazillions of dollars and last longer than the last cockroach. Yet, she said it wasn't comfortable at all. Why have furniture if you aren't going to use it? Or, a better question, why are we discussing old furniture in a Brit Lit class?

A spiritual craving

"Russian atheists and Russian Jesuits are the outcome not only of vanity, not only of a bad, vain feeling, but also of spiritual agony, spiritual thirst, a craving for something higher, for a firm footing, for a fatherland in which they have ceased to believe, because they have never even known it! It's easier for a Russian to become an atheist than for anyone else in the world. And Russians do not merely become atheists, but they invariable believe in atheism, as though it were a new religion without noticing they are putting their faith in a negation. So great is our craving!" - Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot