Praying for a friend

My coworker left today.

I don't know how he's doing as far as his faith goes, but I think he has a good head on his shoulders. He's been gone from the world for eight years, so he has a lot to adjust to.

I pray that he would establish a good track record that would give him confidence to head in the right direction in all areas of his life.

Wild at Heart

In the Thursday night Bible study, we have just started reading Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge. It's written as the woman's Wild at Heart, which the group finished just before I joined them. I felt like I ought to read Wild at Heart first to figure out the men's side before going in to the woman's book. We had an extra copy in the library, so I brought it home Friday to start chewing on.

Once I started, I wasn't content with chewing on Wild at heart; O had to inhale. I kept nodding my head in agreement or feeling my heart in my throat as I read about how God created a man and what keeps him form living up to his designed purpose. My mind kept thinking about how I don't live up to the title of "man" and where, in my past, my insecurities came from. There were many mini-prayers asking for my eyes to be opened and my deep wounds and fears to be dealt with.

I guess those prayers were answered. At no time last night was I asleep for more than two and half hours. Too many dreams that related to my reading ans thoughts woke me up. Each time, I took a minute to recall the dream and thank God for revealing me to myself. Even though I was irked by loss of sleep, it was cool to know that I was being dealt with. It's cliche, but be careful because you might get what you ask for. I'm glad my night was interrupted by m y Father's love, though.

I'm not finished with e book, yet, and even further from being who God has purposed me to be. However, I feel like a big change came this weekend in the way I look at myself and the guys around me. Some major questions have been answered and opened up to new things to think about. So far, my weekend has been nothing short of amazing and it's all because God is at work.

Guidance

Sunday morning at church I saw a face I didn't ever expect to see again. My friend, Heinz, left for INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services) court last week to hear whether he would be allowed to stay in the U.S. or be deported to Germany, where he hasn't lived since the age of five. INS decided to let him stay and we praised God together.

After the service, I told him about my parole answer and asked him to be praying for me to have guidance on my decision to accept it or not. He said that he would definitely be in prayer and asked if I would like to fast with him. I said yes and that it would be for Monday and Tuesday.

So, over the past two days I have fasted, acknowledging God's sovereignty over the situation and asking that my decision would be in accordance with His will. I chose Psalm 5 as my prayer. Both days were spent in prayer, reading and singing. I'm glad my cellmate is gone during the day because the solitude was great to have.

This was the first fast I've done since high school that I can remember. There were a few guys who asked why I was giving away my food at all the meals. I did get hungry and was lightheaded during my light workout. But the time with God was awesome.

Now, after eating with Alan and Chris to break the fast, I don't feel like I was given a direct answer on what my decision should be, but I do feel a peace in my leaning toward turning down the treatment. And I know I will have Him with me along either path.

Where two are gathered... *

At a Bible study last week the leaders showed a short video about manly men as soldiers of Christ needing to come together for support and accountability. The video seemed a bit contrived, but it did get me thinking. There's not really a a place I can go for support or accountability here.

In the days since, I felt God telling me to get with my cellmate, Alan, for prayer and fellowship. The last time I heard from God about a prayer group, the group was taken away a week later. Even though it took a few days before making up my mind to ask Alan if he wanted to join me, I knew I had to say yes to God.

When I asked Alan last night if he was interested in praying before we went to sleep, he was pretty excited about it. Boy, this situation with my cellmate keeps getting better. We shared our concerns and praises, then prayed over them. Both of us called out, "I love you, Lord." after the "Amen." There was certainly a peace in our cell as we went to sleep last night, a peace that I hope continues as long as we are here.

* "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I [Jesus] with them." - Matthew 18:20

Waiting in faith

Well, my parole packet is complete and has been sent off to the parole board. I've been working on it for a little over a month with my parents' help typing it up and sending it back for edits. Since I came to prison, I've been writing to the board every couple of months on the advice of some older guys who had done time in the past. I want the parole boardvto see my progress, penitence and desire for release. As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

My parole packet has a cover letter, table of contents, and the most recent letter I wrote to the board. After that I included my version of my offense and each disciplinary case I've received to make sure it's consistent with what they have and that the whole story is told.

Then I have a list of awards and accomplishments that I've received here and also prior to incarceration. I also included copies of certificates I've received.

Next is my parole plan outlining where I will live and work, how I will get around, plans for school and the different groups or individuals I have for support. Next I listed strengths that will help me complete my parole successfully, followed by a list of all the books I've read. Last are a few handpicked letters to the parole board written by family and friends.

Hopefully the board will see how much I have going for me, but at least I know I have done all I can do. God has been with me from the very beginning and nothing I've done toward parole has been done without the help of the Holy Spirit. Now all I do is wait for my interview in the next couple of months and continue to pray for God's wisdom to be with the board as they review my case.

Thank you to all all who have sent letters to the parole board on my behalf. That evidence of support could make the difference in their decision. Please continue to pray with me that the board would find good reason to release me so I can thank y'all in person with a big hug and tears of joy!

There's the saying that all good things come to an end. Well, today was that day. The old dorm was rebuilt with all the same faces as before, including me. For the most part, things have died down around the rumors, but I'm still getting sideways glances. I don't yet know how things will ultimately turn out but, for now at least, no one has told me to leave the dorm.

The past week has been pretty crazy. Fortunately, the dorm I was in temporarily had some solid spirit-led guys. Every now and then a few of us would gather for spontaneous prayer, something that I haven't seen in all my time incarcerated, or out in the free for that matter. It was such a great place to be. I got to have some real conversations several times, which I don't get often or at all in my usual dorm.

I continue to pray for a hedge of protection around me, that all evil would be bound and the eyes of the rumor-spreaders would be opened to the Truth.

A joyful noise

At chapel tonight we had a professional musician who played jazz riffs on flute, oboe, tenor and soprano sax, and clarinet over the songs done by the inmate choir. It was so refreshing to hear beautiful music. My eyes teared up a few times and it was tough to sing. God sure has created some amazing sounds. I haven't felt that way about music in a while. I really wish we could listen to music in here.

A couple weeks ago we studied Buddhism in the World Religions class. I thought some of their practices sounded useful in gaining focus, so I asked the professor if he could recommend some books along those lines. I passed the titles on to my aunt during a visit and they (the books) showed up today. I'm curious ro learn more and maybe use some of their practices with a focus on Christ. Lately my normal prayer routine just hasn't felt right, so I want to find some new ways and also learn to just be quiet and listen for His still, small voice. I am excited to see how God shows up in my pursuit.

Encouragement

Today I went to see the chaplain. I put in a request a few days ago to talk through and pray about the attempted suicide (see blog entry 10/22/08.) I'm not having trouble going to sleep anymore, but I wanted to have someone to pray with me. I've met the chaplain before during chapel services and chatted with him afterward, but I haven't really gotten to know him or vice versa. I told him about my history and everything I was doing before I came to prison, then talked through the attempted suicide and how well I knew the guy. Before I left, we had a short prayer together. While I wanted to come in to pray for the guy, the chaplain focused completely on me.

It was really good for me to talk through things with someone other than an inmate in my dorm. I don't know why it took me so long to get to know the chaplain, but I'm glad I did. I'm hoping to get into the Bible study he's starting next month. I've learned a lot already, yet I know God has more that He wants to show me.