Hope to see you soon, friend

Shane left to go home this morning. He has been my best friend since our days in the choir at San Saba and one of the few guys I plan to hang out with when I get out. My release shouldn't be too far away now.

Shane and I talk about anything. He is a passionate believer in Christ and we would discuss Scripture and theology regularly. He would often come to me armed with a question or two that had been on his mind and we would wrestle together, both of us unhappy with trite answers. Since I'm the more bookish one I would supply him with Christian books that I especially enjoyed and we would talk through them, arguing over authors' points and backing with Scripture. Where most guys in prison sharpen each others' criminal skills, we were honing our spiritual disciplines together.

I hope to hear from him soon. Wherever we are next spring, we plan to do a road trip on the west coast as a way to reconnect and share adventure. I'm looking forward to it.

A Friend from Far Away

I had a real treat yesterday. I got a visit from a friend I hadn't seen in nearly four years and we were able to talk for nearly four hours.

Eric is a friend that I met at the church I attended. While working on a degree at TCU, he also played drums for our college worship band. Through the whole legal process he has been a big support and we have kept in contact through letters during my entire incarceration (even if some of our correspondence had long breaks in the middle.)

After he graduated Eric did some traveling in Central America and ended up settling in Columbia teaching English. My letters are scanned by my mom and emailed, and his replies are received by my mom via email, printed out and mailed to me. Not the most elegant way to communicate but it works.

Last week my boss got a call from her mom, the warden's secretary, and asked me,"Who is Eric Tabone?"

"How do you know that name?" I responded with much surprise that she knew my friend's name.

"He just got a visit approved for four hours."

Awesome! Two weeks in the states and he's got me on his itinerary.

When I saw him yesterday he was the same Eric I remember, maybe a little slimmer than the last time I saw him. We jumped into conversation like we hadn't missed a beat. I got to hear all about Columbia and his plans to start his own business teaching business English to employees of multi-national corporations. And I shared my experiences from behind these walls. It was a really fin time and it made me even more anxious to get out and share conversation with more friends. I got a lot of encouragement from him.

It's friends and family that have made this experience bearable through letters, cards and visits. And Eric is no exception.

A friend's crisis

Prison is an especially tough place to hear about a crisis in the family. Most of our support network, if we are blessed with one at all, is beyond these walls and we are left with sinking news to grieve alone.

My friend, Cameron, has had a crushing week so far. First came news on Monday that his ex-girl-friend, who hadn't written in months, was victim to an abusive relationship that hospitalized her for some time. The girl's older brother was a childhood friend of mine, so Cameron came me as a shoulder to dry on and share his grief with. I got the girl's address and wrote her an encouraging letter, but I also did my best to brighten up Cameron.

My efforts were dashed today, just two days later, when Cameron found out his grandmother had passed away right after his address was cleared for parole. So close to getting out to see her, but it didn't work out that way. Cameron's boss caught me in the hallway and, knowing how close we are, shared the news.
"Keep and eye on him" was my missive, a very decent gesture by his boss.

I found Cameron in the library and pulled him out into a side hallway so he would be away form other people and more free to grieve. As we stood in the hallway, the supply officer came by and asked what we were doing.

" Grieving," I replied.

"Well, go grieve somewhere else" came her brusque instructions.

Like I said, prison is a tough place for a crisis. I'll try to be open and available for Cameron as he works through this time, but I know I'm not any kind of replacement for his home and family.

Changes in the library

Yet another change of staff in the library. West out, Shane in.

West has been on the unit for six years and, unfortunately, has gathered a couple grudges in the administration. One of the guys in classification - the department that does job changes - saw West working in the library and immediately went to the major to complain. Not even an hour later West had a job change in the TDC computer. One of the lieutenants saw him in the hall and threatened to lock him up in segregation if he was in the library. All of this and he had not done anything wrong in the library. It's just the vindictive people working here.

So now my buddy Shane is working with me. He's not official yet, but it should be moving through the proper channels soon. It's cool to be working alongside such a good friend. The job ought to be at least a little more enjoyable.

Reunion with a friend

The good news continues!

I was hanging out in my sll with a friend when someone came to tell me a guy was at the dorm door looking for me. I bounced down the stairs to investigate. My friend West was at the door and exclaimed, "Shane's here!"

"Shane?" I knew I should know who's she's talking about.

"Yeah. Shane la-la-layman, loman. From San Saba."

"Oh, really?! No kidding! Where is he?"

West works in the chain room and hands out clothes to the new guys coming in, so he took me over there to see my old friend. Shane is one of the only guys I kept up with when I left San Saba. In fact, my mom got "blacklisted" from his mailing list for sending my letters to him (inmate-to-inmate correspondence is not allowed.) Shane was a huge encourager as a Christian brother over there.

As soon as I saw him I called out his name, walked over and embraced him. We did a quick "How have you been?" and traded a couple stories before I headed back to my dorm. I'm excited to have such a good friend back on a unit with me again. It's just been blessing after blessing lately.

A friend heads home

After a month of wrestling with his local parole office over his address, my coworker finally left this morning to be released tomorrow morning. His steps to his mother's car will be his first outside in nineteen years. Yes, he has been incarcerated during the Gulf War; OJ's "innocence"; Clinton's impeachment hearings; the rise of the Internet; 9/11, Playstations 1, 2 and 3; iMac, iPod, and iPhone. The world is a much different place then when he left it. I hope he finds a guide who will show him a safe and successful path through his foreign lands.

Goodbye to another friend

My coworker, Matt, left to go home on parole tonight. He had to wait about six months from the time he was supposed to leave because it took forever to get an approved address to go home to. It seems like the system does go out of its way to make things difficult sometimes. He has had a lot of anxiety about his release and how difficult it will be to find work and a good social group. He feels like he is too old for college and his record is too much of a stigma for employers to look past. His past experiences with betrayal aren't an encouragement, either.

I've talked with him about my own positive experience and those of other guys I've encountered. While I was on probation, I was encouraged and accepted by friends I made in college group at my church and had a petty good job for a guy my age. I've met guys with felony records that managed apartment complexes, worked as investors ans started their own businesses, I think that if a person wants a successful life and they do the research to find out how to get where they want to be, with proper effort they can get there. Of course, there are some areas a felon can't go into without having their record expunged.

I hope Matt finds a nurturing community that will continue to encourage him to productivity. I think he'll feel better after he's been out a few months. Now I am left to work alone, which I prefer unless I have a good coworker like Matt.

New job, new friend

My job assignment here fits the schedule I had at my previous unit. I am a dorm janitor on the night shift along with my cellie. He cleans our dorm while I clean the one next door. We turn out at midnight and stay out until 5 AM. All I do is sweep, mop and wipe down the tables. I have a co-worker, Matt, so it doesn't take more than an hour to finish. Then we sit around talking, go to breakfast at 3:30 AM, shower and hang out until we can go in. Depending on the guards who are working, we might go in early.

I've also been blessed with a great coworker in Matt. He's a couple years older than me and reminds me of a lot of the guys I hung out with before my incarceration. We have plenty of time to just chill after we finish working, so we've covered all kinds of topics. We joke around, talk about family and old girlfriends. We found out that our charges are similar, both committed at a young age.

Matt is still very angry about how his case was handled and some friends who left him because of it. Like me, he grew up in church, but many people turned on him instead of embracing him like I have been by many folks. I've tried to be an encouragement and I hope he finds some hope for himself. Until then, we'll continue to play catch across the dayroom with balled up socks and quote stupid movies.

Another place, another "home"

Yesterday I arrived at my permanent unit in Dayton outside Houston. I left the red-brick unit faster than I thought I would have. My poor cellie had been there over fifty days waiting to be moved while I left after four. On the way over here I was handcuffed to a guy who will be going home on parole soon after being in prison since 1984 - 25 years! Whew! I think any amount of time being incarcerated feels like it will last forever, but I'm glad I only have to do five at most instead of twenty-five.

After arriving at this 1100-man unit in the middle of nowhere, I sat in a cage outside for two hours while waiting to see the unit classification committee to get housing and job assignment. The housing here is also two-man cells, but they are bigger then those in the red-brick unit - about 9' X 12". Each bunk has its own window that opens to allow air through.

We have a desk with a shelf above it for storing our hygiene stuff. This is the first place I've been to where you can control the lighting in your own housing.

The cell opens into a dayroom lined with two floors of twenty cells and two shower areas with individual showers. There are eight tables on one side of the dayroom and two TV's facing each other with benches between.

The best thing so far is the presence of radios, hotpots, and fans. I haven't been able to get my own yet, but my cellie lets me use his hotpot and radio if he's not using them. I haven't been able to sit and listen to music in so long that it's worth all the commercials of stupid Clear Channel stations. For a few hours last night I lay in my bunk listening to classical music on public radio - not something I usually do but it was great!

I saw a few familiar faces when I showed up. There are a few guys from my first unit in Jasper and even more that I saw from my previous unit in San Saba. When I went to dinner last night, the guy filling the drink pitchers saw me and came over to say hello. He's a guy I played soccer with in San Saba and a strong Christian guy. It was really cool to see an old friend. I can already tell that God brought me to a good spot.

The evidence of friends

I had a great visit today from a couple of friends from my parents' church. They came once last year and we have been writing each other the whole time I've been in prison. It was really cool to see them. I don't get to talk with solid people older than me other than my parents. It's so good to just hang out, talking about life and plans even if it is over a phone through a glass wall.

I told them about all the recent trouble I've had in the dorm and how it's pretty much gone now. They were encouraged about my plans for school and parole, although I'm still not sure how it will come together. But, if I've learned one thing in the past month, it's that God looks after His children.

It has been such a blessing to have friends who continue to keep in contact with me. I love hearing how things are going out there. I was humbled by all the love shown to me through letters and cards on my birthday last week and I pray that God returns it all to everyone in blessings of their own.

Goodbye to a good friend

Last night I found out that my friend Will is leaving the unit. I don't have a clue where he's going but he had a parole interview a month and a half ago, so I hope he is headed home. I wanted to talk with him before he left but I was cleaning my usual spot in cell block for shower crew and couldn't trade locations.

After I finished cleaning cell block I just walked down to Will's dorm. The guard on the hallway knew we were friends and didn't care if I was there. He let me into Will's dorm and Will was surprised to see me. I offered him encouragement and told him to write from wherever he ended up, then we prayed together for a bit. I'm going to miss having him around.

I put in a request for the electrician job two days ago. However, Will told me tonight that the boss isn't looking for new guys right now. Apparently the recession has hit here, too... ha, ha.

As part of the Bible Study process to restoring joy, we are supposed to share last week's tally with someone that we trust. That is something that's hard to come by in here. I sent a request to the chaplain to visit with him about my past, but I haven't heard back from him except for an afternoon that he called me down to his office just before count time, then left for a meeting.

I have a friend here, Will, that I 've been helping out. We were bunk mates over the summer and we've been in many of the same classes. We have talked about helping each other after we get out, maybe sharing an apartment or house. We're both in the Bible study so I figured we could trade histories with each other, seeing as we could be living with each other down the road.

Talking about our histories is one thing that most everyone here stays away from. There are any number of seedy guys who will use anything they learn about you to bring you down, so the level of trust that most guys have for anyone is pretty low. I've only shared my past with one other person and he was a fellow Christian that was about to leave to go home.

Needless to say, it took a bit if time to work up the courage to share such personal stuff as my history. Of anyone here at this unit, I trust Will more than anyone. After I told him about everything, he expressed solidarity, just as I did with him. I think knowing each othere's past will allow us to be a better encouragement to each other in the future. Of course, we can always us more of that.

Alone. Separate.

This morning I woke up for lunch and another guy was gone with all his stuff. He is a member of the neo-Nazi so I figured he had been taken for involvement in gang activity. I found out that Tex was put in the highest level of protective custody, which means his life is thought to be in danger and he will never be placed in general population in prison again. That's a hard way to do time.

Late in the afternoon, the guy taken this morning was brought back to the dorm with his property. He's not moving. Along with several other guys connected to the neo-Nazi group, he was interviewed by the gang investigator and had all his property searched, including every letter and piece of paperwork. He is under the impression that he will be confirmed as a gang member and shipped off the unit within a few weeks, While all this is going on, he still has six disciplinary cases pending and is waiting to go to segregation. Some guys just seem too far gone and will never learn. I hope he's not one of those, for his own sake.

A friend for all seasons

Today, for the first time in almost three months, I had a visit from C. I also hadn't heard from her by mail since that last visit. I wasn't sure what was going on - if she was too busy with school, work, and campus life, or didn't feel comfortable communicating with me. It was a huge blessing to see and talk with her and catch up on everything that has been going on.

I had been worried a little bit that after we split in June, we might drop communication entirely. I've seen that too many times with guys around me for the past year and a half. Going off the map for three months almost had me convinced that it had happened to me. Boy, was I happy to see her today. Even though we aren't romantically involved anymore, I still consider her my best friend. There's no one else that I can open up to as well as C. I can't say for certain, but I think the same is true for her. I really hope she finds a mentor of intimate friend she can be herself with because it's kind of tough to be that from here.

Seeing such a good frines was such a pick-me-up. Though I was disappointed to see her go, I came out with a glow. I look forward to getting out of here so those kinds of friendships can continue and multiply.

Best Friend

A Friend on the Inside

Last Tuesday I had a new neighbor move into the bunk next to me. Ortiz was known for his D&D prowess but over the past week I've come to see him as a friend. This past weekend we stayed up till odd hours of the night talking about family, C., his girlfriend, God, whatever came to mind . Unfortunately he left this morning to go to a new unit. I was looking forward to getting to know him better and picking his brain for not only D&D tips but life lessons as well.

Today I realize how lonely prison life will make a person. Despite the mail from loved ones and living in a dorm with over 60 people, I still feel pangs of loneliness. The people here are hard to open up to and to have an honest conversation with. Ortiz was the first since I landed on this unit. I hate this experience, partly because I've never been in this situation before, having grown up with an amazing family, and also because I truly feel like I shouldn't be here.

Lord, please accept my fears. Comfort me. Allow me some peace. Most of all, Lord, please restore me to C. and my family. I miss their presence in my life.

Mixed Messages

Wow... two weeks since I've written.I must not have felt much after the past two weeks. In actuality, I have been quite morose. Last weekend Mom and my brother came. It''s always good to see them joke around like we have always done.

Through the past few weeks I have really missed home, though I have tried to keep myself active to keep my mind off of things like that. Unfortunately, we haven't been out to work in more than two weeks. My friends (if I can call anyone in here my true friends) Silvey and Caleb left the dorm this week, one to laundry and the other to maintenance. Both are trying to get me jobs where they are so I can get out of this dorm.

On Wednesday one of the two new guys asked for quiet so he could go to sleep. Of course, this only made people more raucous. The Lt. came in and this new guy went up and talked with the Lt. in front of the whole dorm. Shortly afterward, the new guy left, along with KD, who was made an example to the rest of us I suppose.

I don't understand why a place that self-proclaims to be built around respect doesn't have the respect to honor a guy's wish to go to sleep. This place is full of things that I don't understand and are completely illogical.

Friday night we were playing D&D and the Lt. came in the back door and watched us in the corner for a minute or two. Then he took up a spinner and I split. He then took all our stuff (except the character sheets) and names of anyone else in the group. I was lucky enough to get away.

Work and Play

Today was the first day to work outside in almost a month. Mud was everywhere and we had nine new hands, so everything was tough and off-beat. I got to talk to with Waco, a friend from county, a bit. Hopefully he'll be moving over to C dorm with the rest of Two hoe.

I got the Power Grid instructions and board today - in full color and with play money! I was stunned. I'm looking forward to sharing a great game with people.