We Share a Happy Secret

We share a happy secret/ An intense friendship/ A certain sense of understanding that goes unspoken/ No one can tell by looking or even talking to us/ It is a secret and magic power/ It makes us strong and keeps us free/ With the knowledge I gain from this secret.../ ... The modern world emerges.

I'd like to say the secret lasts forever/ And yes, the secret is love/ It exists, strong, intense, and good/ It exhales, it liberates/ It doesn't necessarily constrain or cause pain/ But can, and eventually does, unfortunately.

I used to think that true love lasts forever/ I suppose certain loves can/ But I have loved people with intensity and intimacy, trust and understanding/ Only to look at them blankly and emotionlessly/ The secret was wiped away as if it was never there.

We share a happy secret right now, but beware/ Because the modern world emerges everyday.


- Ron Rege Jr.

For love of C.

I finished making Power Grid last night. Finally, after more than a month (I think) of work, it's finished. I was going to do a play test today to refresh my memory but I was wakened for work. Like many other mornings it was a false alarm. Instead of playing the game I ate my oatmeal, cereal bar, and graham cracker and went back to sleep. Tomorrow is another day to play the game.

Yesterday's letter from C. really shook me up. Not too badly but enough to keep me up two nights in a row. So many guys have talked about their girlfriends or wives leaving them while they are in prison and C.'s thing with Diego was maybe the first sign that it could happen to me.

I don't mind C. dating other guys but I wish that she would tell me it's over between us first. I know that if I was at home right now we both wouldn't have to worry about it, but unfortunately that's not the case. As much as I miss her, I have not even sought magazines with lewd women in them ( though, if I am to be honest, the temptation is always there.) She has it much tougher than me because she has guys trying to pursue her, even if they know about me. I wish that I could make things right between us, but I'm powerless except through my letters. God is the only one who can release me from the bondage I'm in and the worry that plagues me.

Sometimes I wonder if C. is embarrassed by me being on probation or in prison. I think that if the situation were reversed I might be. I hope that it's not causing too much strain on her because she already has enough stress with school and extracurricular activities. Why do I have to be such a screw-up? I've ruined almost everything I've touched in the past five years, especially my own life. I'm working on my pride (though this environment certainly doesn't help in that area) but it won't go away. It's stuck on me like tar... sticky, oppressive, black ooze. When will I get the chance to prove that I am a good guy?

Lord, please raise me up to be your child, one who abides by your perfect will.

Mixed Messages

Wow... two weeks since I've written.I must not have felt much after the past two weeks. In actuality, I have been quite morose. Last weekend Mom and my brother came. It''s always good to see them joke around like we have always done.

Through the past few weeks I have really missed home, though I have tried to keep myself active to keep my mind off of things like that. Unfortunately, we haven't been out to work in more than two weeks. My friends (if I can call anyone in here my true friends) Silvey and Caleb left the dorm this week, one to laundry and the other to maintenance. Both are trying to get me jobs where they are so I can get out of this dorm.

On Wednesday one of the two new guys asked for quiet so he could go to sleep. Of course, this only made people more raucous. The Lt. came in and this new guy went up and talked with the Lt. in front of the whole dorm. Shortly afterward, the new guy left, along with KD, who was made an example to the rest of us I suppose.

I don't understand why a place that self-proclaims to be built around respect doesn't have the respect to honor a guy's wish to go to sleep. This place is full of things that I don't understand and are completely illogical.

Friday night we were playing D&D and the Lt. came in the back door and watched us in the corner for a minute or two. Then he took up a spinner and I split. He then took all our stuff (except the character sheets) and names of anyone else in the group. I was lucky enough to get away.

Chosen By God

In reading Chosen By God tonight a question was raised in my mind: Why did God create us?

The common answer is that He wanted a relationship of love with us. That has been my belief for a long time but then I thought: God doesn't need us to have a relationship of love. His angels were already present in heaven praising Him and having a relationship with Him. And the angels are like us in that they have free will to leave or dislike God, as is evident by the fall of Lucifer (Satan) and his demons.

So what are we for? What is our purpose in being? God already had the relationship with beings that have free will to choose Him or not. Are we just a plaything? I don't think so. I still think that we are created for love but I am confused by the effort expended toward creation, which He foreknew and foreordained to fail.

I saw C. yesterday and she is in another downswing right now. I think some of it comes from the stress of her Peru trip. I had hoped that it would be more enjoyable for her than it was. I hope she finds a book that she would like for us to read together. I want to be together and continue to deepen our friendship. At the same time, I want her to feel free to have other very close friends, guys or girls. I don't want to be holding her back from 300 miles away. We also personally decided to not move forward toward engagement until I hear word from government or God. Please come soon!

Work and Play, part two

Today we went to hack up some new dirt. But before I get there I need to explain a project that I'm working on. My mom sent the Power Grid game components - all of them, including cash (play $, of course.) Most of the week I spent copying the cards and main board. I got Tony to help with the cards and Johnny was supposed to do the main board. We got carbon paper to do true copies of the original, not dumb-looking free-hand ones. Unfortunately, Johnny was daunted by the size and detail of the board so I have to do it myself. Looks like it will be a monster job.

Yesterday afternoon I spent two or three hours just prepping the boards: taping the carbon paper tightly, followed by photocopies of the board on top of the carbon paper. I was only able to finish 7 of the 42 cities before we had to go to sleep so I decided to marathon through the night knowing that there was a good possibility of working in the fields the next day. By 3:30 am I was dead on my feet so I finally hit the sack, leaving only 7 cities remaining to trace.

At the usual time - 6:30 am - we got the call for Two hoe to get ready. Reluctantly I got my clothes on and got my usual bowl (actually a cup) of oatmeal, thinking we would be going out in about 30 minutes, after count cleared in the dorm. Silvey had a sore throat and already had a play to get out of work: he dropped his ID off with some laundry buddies so he could say that he lost it. Brilliant!

After I finished with my oatmeal I headed back to bed and dozed off again. I woke up to Silvey tapping my bunk.

"What time is it?!" I asked.

"Almost 8:30. You're about to be called out to work."

"Man, I was expecting a break like we've had earlier this week. Oh, well..."

The patch we were hitting was newly broken ground and had very large, very hard dirt clods that caused the hoe to merely bounce off, even if you hit it with force. We gave the ground at least eight passes and I helped lead the chant with "lean with it, rock with it" in alternating order with the guy in front of me. Not bad for only four hours of sleep.

I was also called to the mailroom to pick up a package. After standing in line for 30 minutes I found out that the package was from Office Depot. Apparently they thought that an inmate needed a business card holder and a catalog. I needed or wanted neither. The business card holder was denied anyway and I gave away the catalog after briefly poring over the pens, pencils, and other office products. Maybe someone is interested in the 70 types of white paper available 24/7 online or by phone.

Work and Play

Today was the first day to work outside in almost a month. Mud was everywhere and we had nine new hands, so everything was tough and off-beat. I got to talk to with Waco, a friend from county, a bit. Hopefully he'll be moving over to C dorm with the rest of Two hoe.

I got the Power Grid instructions and board today - in full color and with play money! I was stunned. I'm looking forward to sharing a great game with people.

Christmas, Crying and Compassion

It's been a while since writing for two reasons: sickness and laziness.

I spent Christmas Day and then more doubled up on my bunk in pain. The only meds that I was taking were Tylenol and a cough drop now and then. With this very conservative regimen it took quite a while before I was feeling better.

I think my cold was compounded by home sickness for the holidays. This is the first year that I've been completely away from home and family and it really hurt. I missed our traditions of pecan pie, spiced pecans and gingerbread Texas-shaped cookies. I missed just enjoying family and a a candlelight Christmas Eve service with traditional Christmas carols. The holiday movies on the TV here didn't help, either.

Last weekend Mom and my brother came to visit, which was a huge surprise. It was really good to see them and to hear how Christmas at home went. That was the first visit I've cried during a visit in along time.

C. is in Peru right now, doing well and having fun, I hope. I can't wait to get out of here so I can spend time with her. I continue to pray for swift deliverance but who knows if He's listening or has it in His mind. This is no place for me (and many others) to be living. I thank God for the protection and safety I've had so far and the abundance of love and support.

Compassion - Henri Nouwen

"It is not proving ourselves to be better than others, but confessing to be just like others that is the way to healing and reconciliation.

"Who will choose the hidden place when the limelight is available? Who will choose to withdraw to a place of solitude and prayer when there are so many urgent demands made from all sides?

"It would be sad if we thought of compassion as a life of heroic self-denial. In fact, the compassionate life is mostly hidden in the ordinariness of everyday living. It means to become close to another person when we are willing to become vulnerable ourselves."