Today I went to see the chaplain. I put in a request a few days ago to talk through and pray about the attempted suicide (see blog entry 10/22/08.) I'm not having trouble going to sleep anymore, but I wanted to have someone to pray with me. I've met the chaplain before during chapel services and chatted with him afterward, but I haven't really gotten to know him or vice versa. I told him about my history and everything I was doing before I came to prison, then talked through the attempted suicide and how well I knew the guy. Before I left, we had a short prayer together. While I wanted to come in to pray for the guy, the chaplain focused completely on me.
It was really good for me to talk through things with someone other than an inmate in my dorm. I don't know why it took me so long to get to know the chaplain, but I'm glad I did. I'm hoping to get into the Bible study he's starting next month. I've learned a lot already, yet I know God has more that He wants to show me.
Last night I had a good discussion with Biscuit about what we believe. He calls himself a pagan and says he follows the pagan bible.
I've never met a pagan so I was curious to find out what it was all about. Our discussion lasted from getting off work until breakfast - several hours - and was not antagonistic at all. That is, except for the interruptions from Ugly (Ugly is his chosen nickname) where he just called Biscuit stupid over and over again for believing what he does and not in Christianity.
Biscuit said pagans believe that everyone can become a god if they do something worth remembering,
good or bad. I asked him what the benefit of being a god would be if you are dead. His reply was that you are remembered, nothing else. He said he prays to gods, but doesn't think that they actually do anything. Biscuit also asserts that each person has a personal heaven and hell especially made for them. Right and wrong is whatever you want it to be, not absolute at all.
I told him there has to be an absolute right and wrong or else there wouldn't be universal laws against harming another person. I explained to him how the Christian life life should be lived like Christ and, if that is done, no harm will be done to anyone. He wanted to know why Jesus, so I explained that Jesus was God's Son and had many witnesses to the miracles that he did, including resurrection. I know the conversations that I have will never sway anyone to Christ, but I pray that the Holy Spirit would work in their lives. I really don't want any of these guys to come back to prison or suffer a worse fate later on.
"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." -
1 Corinthians 3:6-7
After work this morning, I filled out a request to the major and warden of the unit about the shower crew. For the past month we haven't had the right supplies or enough workers. The showers have steadily started looking worse and we've had to pull random people out from across the unit to help. I don't know if anyone with rank cares, but I like to see a job well done when I pout effort into it.
I asked to get towels designated for the shower crew so we don't mess up the general population's towels when we wipe down the showers. The scrub pads we had were actually cut up floor buffing pads that don't scrub well at all, so I asked for new pads. The oil that we use to shine and protect (sounds like a commercial) is coming to us in amounts that only shine and protect half of our showers.
To me, it sounds very silly to complain to prison officials about the tools they have given us work with. I just figure they will want the showers looking their best when the auditors come during the next few weeks. It's a very slim chance that this unit gets shut down for various reasons, but I really want to keep it open so I can get my education - or at least part of it.
Well, we got off lockdown today. I bet we're one of the first in the state because this unit is small. We found out yesterday evening the lockdown had been lifted . That also means we went to work last night and had real meals today. Still no rec, though. I think the unit is still short-staffed.It was so good to get out of the dorm last night for work. Going anywhere after being in the same room for a week is great. And the first few meals coming off lockdown are always the most yummy. The only downside is getting the TV back on, which means noise all day and evening. Tonight is wrestling. Yippee! (not!) I wish it would just stay off.
No telling how the lockdown will affect school. I don't know if our grades will just be averaged or we will lose those credits. I hope it's something with common sense.
I've had a hard time getting to sleep the past few days. Each time I lie down or close my eyes I see a guy dangling from the ceiling or twitching violently on the floor. I haven't had any bad dreams, thankfully.
It's hard to get the suicide attempt off my mind with all this empty time on my hands. I wish it hadn't happened at all, but I especially wish it hadn't happened on lockdown. There's not anything going on to take my mind off the guy and I haven't been able to talk to the chaplain yet to work through stuff. All I've done is pray and read. I don't even feel like writing home or to anyone else right now.
I just want to stop reliving it.
Thump-thump. Thump. Thump-thump-thump.
I woke up and thought something was caught in the fan that was brought into the dorm. The noise stopped and I didn't see anything so I rolled over.
"Somebody help me hold him up! Cut him down! Cut him down!"
Thinking there was a fight, I looked up and saw a haunting picture: my co-worker and bunkmate was dangling unconsciously from the ceiling by a noose with his head lolled to one side. Tex was trying to hold him up while Knox grabbed a razor blade to cut the sheet that was holding the guy up. I didn't fully realize what was going on until he was down and dragged into the day room and guys were beating on the door to get an officer. I was in shock, frozen.
The guy revived on his own and went into seizures right before the guards showed up. As the guy was making horrible wheezing sounds and thrashing on the floor, the guards thought the seizure was the whole story until we showed them the sheet. I was on my bunk, trembling and praying fervently.
The guy was taken to the hospital and will probably end up at the state mental hospital with at least a little brain damage from lack of blood and air for so long. I don't have a clue why he did it. We were playing dominoes and laughing earlier, and had eaten a prison pizza together just hours earlier. Nothing seemed wrong.
He left a note wrapped around a picture of his four daughters saying "I let them down."
That had to have been one of the scariest nights I've had. I haven't been to sleep yet and can't get the images out of my head. All I can do is pray for him, his family, the guards, the medical personnel, and us in the dorm.
~ God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world ~ C. S. Lewis
After the adventure of registering for classes yesterday, I stayed up to study and take my philosophy test over ethics. I was dead tired when I started the test and very nervous that I wouldn't perform well or remember the material. I think that fear put me in gear, because I feel like I wrote a really good paper. At least, it would have been a good paper if I could have finished it.
I had one paragraph left to write when we were told to stop writing and return to our dorms. We had been put on lockdown. I didn't find out until today that some idiot on Death Row had acquired a cell phone and called a state senator to threaten him. As you can imagine, the senator was ticked off and got the governor ticked off. The governor then issued a statewide prison lockdown to search for more cell phones, and other "contraband",which ticked off the guards and inmates.
So, this morning we went through the property search and shakedown like before. This week will be filled with boredom as we can't go to work, school, or rec. Even meals will be brought to us in johnnies. All this gives me a chance to catch up on letter writing and reading. It's nice to have the TV off, too.
This morning I had registration for classes. Last time I registered, I was finished within an hour. That time we were called down to the education building in groups of ten and three counselors from the nearby community college helped sign us up for classes.Not so today.
When the group of thirty that I was called out with arrived at the registration location, there was already a room full of guys waiting to register with one counselor to accommodate all of them. My group was hurried into another room to wait. After about thirty minutes of waiting, I got to move into another room. At this point it was 9:30 AM.
The activities in this room were completely disorganized, with no rhyme or reason to the order to see the counselor. We tried to remedy the situation by instituting a snake-like pattern to the line, but the counselor didn't realize that many at the head of the "snake" had just arrived. The tail was filled with guys who had been there longer than I had. She (the counselor) could have done it all alphabetically, which would have been easier and faster because the list in front of her was set up that way.
At 11:30, I still had fifteen guys ahead of me, so I went outside to tell a guard that many of us had missed lunch. At noon, a group came in that had a bunch of guys that were supposed to be in a class. They were rushed to the front of the line, thinking that they would be finished before the class was over. I told the counselor that some of us had been waiting for three hours and the new arrivals would be better off going to class and coming back after class. She agreed and sent them on their way.
At 12:30,a group of us left to go eat at the dining hall. They were out of food when we arrived so we had to wait for chicken patties to be cooked. Thirty minutes later, we got our food and were ready to go back to the education building, but it was count time so we had to wait another thirty minutes before we could try again to register.
By 2:00PM, I had finally finished registering for classes, five hours after being called down there. Perfect example of state inefficiency. The whole time I was waiting I should have been asleep. I have test at 5:30 that I will probably be very tired for. I hope they figure out how to be better organized for the next time around. Even in prison, five hours is a long time to do nothing.
My dad came down today for a visit and we were able to talk about some deep and tough stuff with each other. I've been having some hard times recently with being here. I feel like I've already learned what I came here to learn and now I just want to go home.
I know I'm not finished learning because there is always some way I can take in more wisdom. I would rather learn with family and friends nearby because I am tired of this experience.
The only thing that is really worth anything to me here is the school. The classes are a blessing., but even those I would be able to take outside prison. I feel surrounded by ignorant, stubborn guys who won't listen to reason or even the littlest things. School is the only place where I can have intelligent conversations, but even in that setting there are not too many people really want to learn to change their wrong thinking. School is just something for them to do.
I want to continue my life instead of living at a standstill. I also have some relationships I feel like I need to reconcile and I don't think much fixing can be done from my current position. I continue to pray and have faith foe release in God's timing.
I don't know why but, for the past few days, I've only been able to get a few hours of sleep. Over the past two days I've slept eight hours total. I can't stand being a zombie, stumbling around groggily. It's not that I haven't tried to sleep, either, because I have. I can lay in my bed for an hour feeling dead tired and still not hit slumber.
Most of the time I can't sleep because people in the dorm are loud or the TV is turned up, but when it's quiet I can't sleep, either. It makes it hard to work or interact at school, too. I really hope I can catch up this weekend when I'm off.
Ugh, so tired.
Yesterday the grades from our philosophy test came back. I got an 86, not bad but also not what I wanted. There were not any comments on any of the papers except on the front where "chart" was written.
A week before the test, the instructor told us what we needed to know for the test. He included the fact that we need to know and be able to reproduce one of the charts in the book. The day of the test, he put the essay questions on the board without anything about the chart; nearly everyone wrote out their essay. Only two people drew the chart out on the paper.
I assumed that, since it was an essay, I would write out the information on the chart to explain it. Apparently, the instructor wanted a drawing of the actual chart; he took away 7 points, which would have given me a comfortable "A".
It amazed me and several other classmates that we had our A's taken away from us because we didn't have clear instructions to draw the chart.
And I still don't know where the other 7 points went.
We got a new guy in the dorm over the weekend that Biscuit has been trying to bring on the shower crew for a while. On his own, Biscuit is already a little bit crazy, but with the new guy, Knox, around, he's even crazier. They constantly wrestle with each other, rather loudly at that.
Knox is apparently the King of "Kill Shots", pictures of nearly nude women that are used to "kill" on. I don't mess with the shots at all, but, boy, do Biscuit and Knox. Knox has a full photo album of them and Biscuit is gathering more.
Last night when we went to work both of them brought kill shots with them to trade with guys in the dorms they cleaned. Each trade was made for an apparent profit as both sides got rid of a girl they don't want anymore and received a new prize in exchange. It reminded me of Pokemon or baseball cards that used to be traded during recess in middle school.
"This girl has it going on here, but I can't use her because of this."
"Nice face, but the rest doesn't work for me at all."
Of course, I'm using much less graphic paraphrase. Even after we returned to the dorm, Biscuit and Knox argued over the strengths of their collection against the weaknesses of the other. Four hours later in mid-morning they were still arguing their tastes in kill shots while I just shook my head in pity, rolled over and went to sleep.
(Note: The following four blog entries were journal entries actually written 9/8-9/11/08. The first entry was originally written on 9/08/08. The blog "editor" lost them in her desk and just now found them. Oops! Better late than never?)"Right is right. It defines itself."
"Religion kills people and is just a control mechanism. That's why I don't like religion."
"Everything is energy; you, me, the table, our souls. Anything can become anything else and probably will at some point."
These statements come from the professor of the philosophy class I'm taking. All on our first day, too. The man at the front of the room is an aged vet with a doctorate that he says gives him the right to call himself intelligent and the class dumb.With a grin.
"I'm going to teach you how to think," he said after we all settled into our seats, as if none of us had ever done any real thinking before.
The college level philosophy class I took before prison was one of my favorites. As a "team-taught" class, I heard the perspectives from philosophy, science, and mathematics all at once. And fortunately, none of those professors had the intellectual ego to blow out the hot air steaming up the classroom here.
I'm excited to be in this class. I love to learn, regardless of how I get the information. Losing debates with this professor ought to be fun. He'll do his mental victory dance after quashing the argument of a college sophomore.
(Note: this entry was originally written on 9/11/08)
Yesterday in Philosophy class the professor was talking about how religion and philosophy differ and he was really groping for the right buttons to push before someone spoke out against him. Though I haven't had good intellectual debate in a while, I gave it a go.
The professor had said all religion is bad because it relies on a foundation that may not and probably does not exist. I asked him, "If you don't find religion compelling enough to believe in, where do you find purpose in your life? Why keep living?"
"I find purpose in gaining knowledge, power, and sharing knowledge with others," he replied.
"If you're lucky you'll live 100 years. Then why will any of that matter when you are dead and have long become worm food?"
"It helps my kids and their kids and so on."
"So, you're just gone with your last hope before you die that your descendants will be better off with your instruction?"
"Yeah, and therefore improve the world."
We had several other exchanges on the problem of evil, energy, and the soul, and other topics. A guy later got confused in the lecture and remarked,"I'm lost."
The professor said, "Talk to him (meaning me.) He'll tell you about Jesus."
At the end of class I stayed behind to tell the professor that I deeply respected him and really looked forward to the remainder of the session. He gave me a look like he wasn't looking forward to the having the outspoken young squirt in standing front of him in his class.
(Note: This entry was originally written on 9/10/08.)
Man, I've got to get out of here. Every now and then I have days where the longing for the familiarity of friends and home is overwhelming. I feel like the kid that hid from Mom in the clothing rack while shopping and now can't seem to find even the hem of her dress to hold on to."Paging the real world. I am a lost boy without a way home."
Today the feeling began before I woke up. I had a dream about spending a normal day with C. and a couple of friends. We were doing all those things you take for granted when you are free: walking the campus, playing in the park, getting a bite to eat at that killer sandwich shop with the fashionably vegetarian offerings.
Waking up was a slap to the cerebrum - you are not free in your tiny white-walled existence shared with nine other men.
The feeling continued when a movie aired on TV that was a close replica of the relationship I shared with C. before I entered prison. Down to the quirks and dress of both the guy and girl characters, I was reminded of what is past.
I want to escape the colorless so I can be free to be me. I need my real peers, the one-maybe-two-steps-from-becoming-full-fledged-adult college crowd, to poke fun at my foibles and to motivate me to be more.
Around here I am treated as some kind of eccentric genius. I fit neither term.
(Note: This journal entry was originally written on 9/09/08.)
I came back to the dorm from school at 8 this evening and, to my surprise, the TV was turned off. Hallelujah! I wondered why and the guys said it was because satellite was being hooked up. Oh no!
There are already arguments over what show gets watched with the five channels we had. Imagine the flare-ups when we have more possibilities. I would rather they keep the old channels or take the TV out completely.
Too bad my wishes vanished into thin air around 9:30. A guy in civilian clothes came in to set up the new channels with a remote and was gone in a matter of seconds. Waiting for the TV to self-program, the guys sat around speculating on the great new channels and shows we would get.
The TV sparked to life and the speculation was over. We now have less channels than before, but more movies and football - the main argument starters. Oh boy.
So, here's a routine night as a worker on the shower crew:
Around 10:45, after the first unit roster count for the night, the shower crew boss of the night shows up at the dorm to pull the eight of us out. We share the same dorm, eating and doing most things together. Don't let me fool you, though; we only have just enough camaraderie to get the job done.
When we get outside the dorm and into the hallway, we split into teams of two. My usual partner is a guy from Killeen we call Tex. After getting our bucket of supplies - two scrub pads, state-made Comet, stainless steel shine, and a few towels - we set off to our pre-determined dorms of our choosing, kind of like the shotgun game. Whoever calls a dorm first, gets it.
Upon entering the dorm, we say our "wahzzup"'s and head to the the back to fill our buckets with hot water. Sometimes the water is a little too hot to mix, which gives us more time to talk with friends int the dorm.
After the water is mixed with the weak Comet, we get to scrubbing. Each dorm has four shower stalls made of stainless steel. We scrub every part that shines - or should shine - even the ceilings. Once the showers are scrubbed, we wipe them dry with a towel and follow up with the stainless steel cleaner on a rag. The stainless steel shine has a scent like diesel and is applied like Pine-Sol, wiped over every surface for a spotless shine.
It certainly is not the most glamorous job, cleaning the soap scum and man scum left from regular shower use and extracurriculars. Most nights we don't even get gloves. As long as we use those chemicals I'm not too concerned. I get clean when I get back to my dorm.
I just like moving around the unit and seeing guys I usually can't talk with. The extra cups of coffee aren't bad, either. There's even talk among the guards that we'll be getting an extra johnny sack after we finish each night.
Once 
we finish the dorms and have the showers inspected, the shower boss strip searches us and we return to our dorm. Each night we complete a whole wing of eight dorms - two for each duo and four showers apiece. Back at the dorm, I clean up then put together a meal with Tex and Ramirez. A prison pizza is a great cap to the night.
