Man, I can't wait to leave behind me the absolute stupidity of this place.
There was a fight in the dorm - first one I've seen in some months - for the stupidest reasons.
A few guys were working out in the bathroom, two doing dips on the sinks and two doing pull-ups using a torn sheet and mop handle suspended form the ceiling. A lieutenant came in and gathered them in the bathroom, but one guy, Hank, said he wasn't using the pull-up bar, just doing dips on the sink - the truth. The lieutenant just took the torn sheet and left them alone.
After the lieutenant left, Temple, one of the guys doing pull-ups, was mad that Hank tried to leave, even though he wasn't involved. Then Temple got mad that Hank talked to the lieutenant. Hank tried to make Temple understand that what he said had no influence on what the lieutenant did. Then it got more heated and Temple started swinging.
Hank is in anger management class right now and I've talked with him a few times about how, as a Christian, I refuse to fight. I think it's affected him because he just put his hands up and backed away during the fight. Temple kept swinging until he realized he was in front of the camera, then he went back to the bathroom yelling insults at Hank trying to get Hank to fight. Hank kept saying. "Chill out. I don't want to fight you," but Temple just kept going.
A few minutes later it finally settled down and the spectators went back to playing dominoes, muttering how weak Hank is for backing down. In my opinion, it proved that Hank was the better man for not allowing a stupid situation end up in a case for both of them. Prison seems to be primal and backwards, very rarely making much sense. I'm just living the best I can until I leave.
"He that fights and runs away will live to fight another day." Demosthenes
I had a great visit today from a couple of friends from my parents' church. They came once last year and we have been writing each other the whole time I've been in prison. It was really cool to see them. I don't get to talk with solid people older than me other than my parents. It's so good to just hang out, talking about life and plans even if it is over a phone through a glass wall.
I told them about all the recent trouble I've had in the dorm and how it's pretty much gone now. They were encouraged about my plans for school and parole, although I'm still not sure how it will come together. But, if I've learned one thing in the past month, it's that God looks after His children.
It has been such a blessing to have friends who continue to keep in contact with me. I love hearing how things are going out there. I was humbled by all the love shown to me through letters and cards on my birthday last week and I pray that God returns it all to everyone in blessings of their own.
For a few years now I have dreamed of moving to the Northwest. All the pictures I've seen and everything I've read make it sound like right up my alley. There are mountains, rivers and coastline pursuits. I've heard that all the creative culture is vibrant and there are many eco-friendly people. All this I've gathered second- or third-hand from people who have visited there, but I've never talked at length with anyone who has lived there - until now.
There's a guy that just moved into the dorm last week who lived in Portland until last year when he moved to Texas. I've been able to talk to him and ask all kinds of questions, and he has told me all kinds of cool stuff about living up there.
Hot springs have pools built around them in the middle of the forest, a two-mile hike from the nearest road. All summer long there is a market each Saturday along a stretch of the Willamette River in Portland what has local crops, crafts and music. The Columbia River is so big it has tides where you walk to islands in the middle that have free range cattle on them. Lots more, too.
I have pretty much made it a goal high on my list to get up there. I don't know if it will be for school, after I graduate or after parole, but I do want to live there at least for a while. Texas is a good place to live, but it seems that the Northwest offers more for the lifestyle that I want to live.
My sleep this morning was abruptly cut short when one of the sergeants woke me up to tell me to meet him in the hallway. There were only two reasons I could think of for why I was called out and neither of them were likely. The first was that I had a disciplinary case. I couldn't remember doing anything worth a case or being confronted by any guards, so that was probably out. The other was that the mailroom had read letters I had sent out about the dorm situation with the rumors and they were going to move me for my safety - a stupid move because it would look far worse if I moved like that.
I groggily put my clothes on and stumbled into the hallway with blank expectations and a lot of anxiety. The sergeant told me to wait in line with some other guys. He called us into a room one by one. My fears were relieved when the first guy came out and said it was a urine test. Ha! I'm probably the least likely guy to fail a urine test, but whatever. It's easy.
So that was my first and lesser birthday gift of the day. The second was an unexpected visit from my mom. I had some friends who were planning to come but wrote to say they wouldn't make it, so I as expecting a normal weekend. What a blessing to be called out for a visit right as I laid down to go back to sleep! I am so grateful for the friends and family who have made the effort to make my birthday and incarceration more enjoyable.
Since moving back into this dorm, I have been trying to figure out how to get back to the dorm I was in while my usual dorm was closed for maintenance. I sent a request to one of the lieutenants, but he has been off for four days and just got back today. Luckily, I was able to talk to him after church tonight. He was a bit busy so he told me to wait for a minute but he brought up my wish to move with the captain. The captain came over to me and asked me to write a request to him and, because the lieutenant said I was a good worker, he would move me at the first chance he got.
Finally all those hours of shower crew have paid off. I work hard because I don't like to see a job unfinished if I have the time to do it. Of course, I have all the time in the world here. I never really expected to get anything out of it, though., especially after getting shot down on the parole recommendations from supervisors. Despite all the crazy stuff of the past couple of weeks, some stuff is falling into place. Now I'm just waiting to move.
For the past month or so, Monday has been my day for escapism. I will wake up for breakfast, trade out my clothes, and spend the rest of the morning and afternoon (until 3:00 music practice) with my eyes glued to the TV. The reason: James Bond all day long.
As ashamed as I am to admit it, I am a fan of the hokey plots, super-weird villains, crazy stunts and all the other staples of the 007 movies. This summer the cable channel USA has been showing them all day long Mondays and some on Wednesday. The exotic locales are very a welcome change from my current environment - a drab white and gray squeezing steel enclosure. For me, these mornings are my ticket out of here and a way to avoid the realities of the prison around me. I can make some tea or hot chocolate, watch Bond pursue the bad guy of the hour and laugh at every terrible line or ridiculous stunt. It's dumb, but it's a nice comfort.
There's the saying that all good things come to an end. Well, today was that day. The old dorm was rebuilt with all the same faces as before, including me. For the most part, things have died down around the rumors, but I'm still getting sideways glances. I don't yet know how things will ultimately turn out but, for now at least, no one has told me to leave the dorm.
The past week has been pretty crazy. Fortunately, the dorm I was in temporarily had some solid spirit-led guys. Every now and then a few of us would gather for spontaneous prayer, something that I haven't seen in all my time incarcerated, or out in the free for that matter. It was such a great place to be. I got to have some real conversations several times, which I don't get often or at all in my usual dorm.
I continue to pray for a hedge of protection around me, that all evil would be bound and the eyes of the rumor-spreaders would be opened to the Truth.
I don't know if the notes did anything to help, but there as an absolute miracle today. Yesterday in music practice we prayed for divine intervention and that is definitely what we got.
Early this morning, one of the lieutenants came in to tell the entire dorm to pack up and change dorms. Maintenance was to be done in the bathroom. This was completely unexpected, but could not have come at a better time.
I was moved to a dorm that has three other choir members and quite a few other Christians. - quite a change from a spot where I think I was the only one. I can already tell this is going to be a good spot. We'll be playing games without much arguing and I've already been witness to active prayer life here.
I'm hoping all the hearsay and rumors die off and are corrected because being labeled as a snitch will make life hard for a long time. It would be great, too, if, when the maintenance is complete in my old dorm, I was left in this new, more pleasant environment.
"Hey man, you need to leave the dorm. Now."These were the words I heard shortly after waking up today. For some reason this guy thought I had snitched on the guys involved in the heart check. (See entry Thursday, August 6, 2009.) The Hispanic gang involved had told one of the white gangs to take care of it. I had three options.
"You can either leave now, go ahead and fight me, or wait for about fifteen of these other guys to get over here and smash you."
"But I wasn't involved in the any of that. There's no reason I would be." I protested. "I'm not gaining anything with those guys gone."
"Sorry. I'm giving you a chance. I don't think you want to get beat up. No arguments. Leave or that's your only option."
I was able to get the guy calmed down to the point where we worked out that I would go to music practice, he would go to rec, and if nothing was found out, I would leave after dinner. At music practice I shared the situation with the other guys and we had a time of prayer. One guy offered to come back to the dorm with me but I told him I would be okay. In my head, I was half expecting to get jumped as soon as I got back, all for some dumb rumor.
Instead, I was greeted by suspicious stares. I talked with the only members of the Hispanic gang in our dorm (who was also involved in the heart check) and tried to tell him that I didn't rat anyone out and would have no reason to do so. He said he didn't know for sure either way, but he was being pressured by his gang to take care of me. We worked out that I would stay until tomorrow after we went out to commissary. Again, if nothing was figured out, I would leave.
Tonight, when I was in cell block working, I talked to some guys in both gangs and all of them thought the situation was out of control. They wrote notes for me to take back to the dorm to hopefully calm the guys down so I didn't get evicted. So far they haven't listened to anything I've said. Maybe they'll listen to their own guys. I'm pretty on edge until tomorrow.
Well, it hasn't even been two weeks and the prayer group has been completely disassembled. The three guys I prayed with have been moved out, two because they have more school than their work schedule allows and one gone to cell block. Even two guys that I invited to join us after they moved in this week have been moved out.
I am not discouraged, only disappointed. I know the moves are only because of spiritual warfare against this dorm. Something similar happened to another gorup of Christians at this unit last month. But we know that no weapon formed against us will prosper and that God always has the final word. I hope I can still affect this dorm for God's purposes.
No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their vindication is from Me," declares the LORD. - Isaiah 54:17
Man, how many times am I going to be wakened by beating on the wall? Wait, there's not any rapping going on. That's a fight! That's a head bouncing off the wall! As much as I want to put an end to this, I'm completely powerless and, as they say in here, it's not my business so it's not for me to worry about.
I just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. It turns out that the fight was a "heart check", a 30- second fight for gang initiation. I didn't see who was involved but I did see the guy taking the two-on-one beating. His face was puffed up, bruised and cut. Of all the heart checks I've seen here, this was the worst - I would have classified it as an old-fashioned beat down.
I hate seeing this stuff and think it's one of the dumbest ways to initiate people to a gang: rough them up to see if they can take it. Anyone can be beat up. Unfortunately, it's the nature of where I am and will not be changed anytime soon. I am firmly against violence of any kind. I haven't been in a fight since fourth grade, though some people have tried to pull me into a few. I haven't found anywhere in the New Testament where Christ indulged in or Christians were taught to use violence against another person. Even at His arrest, Christ scolded Peter when the latter sliced an ear off a guard.
Please join me in praying that God would get a hold of these guys and they would leave their violent attitudes behind.
"It is too bad we know Jesus' stories so well, or think we do. We have read them so often and heard them expanded in so many sermons that we have all but lost the capacity for hearing them, even let alone for hearing what they are really about..."
"The worst of it, of course, is the way we think we know what Jesus' stories mean. Heaven knows people like me who ought to know better have explained the life out of them often enough, have tried so hard to pound the point that, more often than, all you can hear is the pounding..."
"Is the point of Jesus' stories that they point to the truth about you and me and our stories? We are the ones who have been mugged, and we are also the ones who pass by, pretending we don't notice. Hard as it is to believe, maybe every once in a while we are even the ones who pay an arm or a leg to help..."
"Either life is without meaning, or life doesn't mean a damn thing. You pay your money and you take your choice. Only never take your choice too easily, of course. Never assume that becasue you have taken it one way today, you might not take it another way tomorrow."
"One choice is this: it is to choose to believe that the truth of our story is continued in Jesus' story, which is a love story. Jesus' story is the truth about who we are and who the God is who Jesus says loves us. It is the truth about where we are going and how we are going to get there, if we get there at all, and what are we going to find if we finally do. Only for once, let us not betray the richness and depth and mystery of that truth by trying to explain it.
Let us instead tell a story that is the story about every one of us."
- Secrets in the Dark, Frederick Buechner
Man, I can't wait to leave behind me the absolute stupidity of this place.
