It started yesterday, but caught up with me today. A slightly sore throat developed into a ruby red one coupled with a stuffy nose. Blech! I hate being sick, especially during the holidays. Last year I was really sick on Christmas. I couldn't even eat the big meal or the orange they gave us. That was the only fresh fruit I got all year and I had to give it up. Later that day I puked out the little bit of food that I did eat.
I don't think it will be as bad this time around. My throat feels like a mouse is trying to chew its way out, but my stomach isn't acting up at all. It hurts on the way down but I can still eat food and I make sure to drink a lot of fluids. I want this bug to be gone as fast as I can. At least it waited 'til after the Christmas meal to hit. And I have bowl games to keep me entertained as I lie in agony. Ugh... I hate being sick.
I got a kind of wake up call today. My parents came to visit and asked me a "what if" question that wasn't crazy, but their answers compared to mine made me realize how much I think the outside is different than here. The question (prompted by a comment someone made to them recently) was "How badly would it affect the nation if it came out that Obama was actually a Muslim?" (Disclaimer: No one in my family actually thinks that Obama is a Muslim.)
I said that it probably wouldn't affect things much because I think most people would agree with me that leadership is not an ability that one faith can claim as their own. I think America has become a nation of postmodern secularism and is far more tolerant than even thirty years ago. Though there was some controversy about JFK's Catholic beliefs, he turned out to be a very good leader.If a Muslim or someone of any other faith were elected, I expect that they would be just as good a leader for America as their predecessors.
My parents said they would not see a problem with it personally but would expect the nation to turn against Obama. They think the Christian mindset is still the strong majority and even those who don't ascribe to the faith of Christianity still think that moral code is better. They think it would tear the nation which is already terribly fractured.
I guess I hoped that the American public would not be as prejudiced toward others as are the guys I live with. I try to be positive about the world I'm going back to so that I stay motivated while I'm still here. My parents' response made me kind of jaded toward the attitudes of the public I'm headed home to when I get out.I'm around guys all day who say the most ignorantly stereotypical things and it is discouraging to think that people outside are not much different.
Merry Christmas! My Christmas certainly isn't what I would like it to be - locked up away from family - but this year is far easier than last year. I think I'm more settled in than I was last year and also have more distractions around me. Last year the TV had lots of Christmas commercials and specials, but this year I haven't seen quite so much. The only Christmas movies we watched in my dorm were "Elf" and "A Christmas Story". For me, less movies = less stress.
Today we enjoyed small portions of a good meal. We had brisket, chicken, spaghetti casserole, biscuits, terrible cole slaw, marble cake, sweet potato pie, and celery. It was about half the amount I got last year at my former unit but it sure was yummy. The only stuff I din;t finish was the cole slaw and celery.
The real thing that kept my spirits high was the support of all the people who have sent letters, books, magazines, cards, and prayers of encouragement. Thanks to all of you for being the community of Christ at work. May God bless and keep all of you these holidays and in this new year.
College bowl season is upon us! The first few bowls were played last weekend, but, in my opinion, tonight is when it really kicked off. Going into tonight's game between TCU and Boise State are two of the top three teams not involved in the championship bowls, one of which is undefeated. This Poinsettia Bowl was my most anticipated game other than the national championship. I really wanted my hometown team, TCU, to win and show that their football program should be taken seriously.
To make the bowl season a little more entertaining, I set up a bowl game pick-em with fifteen games that guys entered for a postage stamp per pick-em ticket. Despite a few guys' predictions that nobody would get in, I was able to get twenty-three tickets sold for a nice little jackpot for the winner. These next couple of weeks should be filled with excitement as people cheer for their picks instead of just arbitrarily choosing a team. It also ensures that more college football gets watched in my dorm - a real plus.
I got back from Bible study tonight to see TCU down 13-0 five minutes before the half. Apparently, my Horned Frogs looked pretty ugly before I came in. Luckily, the Frogs led a charge down field just before halftime to cut Boise State's lead to six. The second half saw the Frogs do what they do best - defense - and take the lead 17-13. The rest of the game was almost all TCU as Boise State managed to get only a field goal. Two interceptions by the Frogs, one as the final seconds ticked away, insured a TCU win and the longest winning streak in bowl games (4) in TCU history. A perfect way to start the end of the season.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
As part of the Bible Study process to restoring joy, we are supposed to share last week's tally with someone that we trust.That is something that's hard to come by in here. I sent a request to the chaplain to visit with him about my past, but I haven't heard back from him except for an afternoon that he called me down to his office just before count time, then left for a meeting.
I have a friend here, Will, that I 've been helping out. We were bunk mates over the summer and we've been in many of the same classes. We have talked about helping each other after we get out, maybe sharing an apartment or house. We're both in the Bible study so I figured we could trade histories with each other, seeing as we could be living with each other down the road.
Talking about our histories is one thing that most everyone here stays away from. There are any number of seedy guys who will use anything they learn about you to bring you down, so the level of trust that most guys have for anyone is pretty low. I've only shared my past with one other person and he was a fellow Christian that was about to leave to go home.
Needless to say, it took a bit if time to work up the courage to share such personal stuff as my history. Of anyone here at this unit, I trust Will more than anyone. After I told him about everything, he expressed solidarity, just as I did with him. I think knowing each othere's past will allow us to be a better encouragement to each other in the future. Of course, we can always us more of that.
Today I had my last test in Historical Geology before the final tomorrow. The way the instructor runs the grades is that we take five tests and the lowest grade gets dropped, then we take the final. I've scored 100's on everything so far, so I don't need this lab practical at all. I studied for it anyway.
Once I got to class I just filled out the answer sheet with A's and B's to correspond to the number of the question (i.e., 12a and 12b). I made sure to fill out the bonus and inspect every fossil and make a guess in my head. I only got three or four wrong and missed half the bonus. My answer sheet was scored and I received a 34; with the six bonus points, a 40.The instructor let out a chuckle. I assured him I would study harder for the final.
I also had my Cultural Anthropology final today. It was over only the last two chapters we covered, so it was pretty easy. I didn't get to see my score before I left, but I'm confident that I did well. I'm looking forward to taking the World Religions class with the same instructor in January.
I've been going to a Bible study on Tuesday nights called Restoring Joy. It's a twelve-step program for facing past hurts and gaining peace. I feel like I've already worked through my hurts, even those I've caused others, and don't have much to contribute to the discussions. I 've been praying for guidance on whether to continue or not. The teacher suggested that I wait until after tonight's session on tallying the good and bad events of our pasts and handing them over to God.
Like I said, I think I've put the past behind me, so this tally step isn't much for me. Just a way of jotting down the process I've been through. I was able to give some input from my own experiences. I don't know if I was actually helpful or not. I hope God uses this class to mend some of the guys and that I will learn or be used for some cool stuff. I think I will stick it out to watch Him work.
The shower crew has only gone to work once this week and we've been told that we won't work for the rest of the week. The supply officer that makes sure all of the cleaning supplies are stocked was planning to transfer to another unit later this month and a replacement was scheduled to start when the first one left. Unfortunately, the original supply officer left a few weeks early, which means no cleaning chemicals for the shower crew. Now the dorm janitors will have to work a little harder and clean the showers with everything else in the dorm. And the shower crew gets a chance vacation.
In other news, I still haven't heard back about the "failure to obey a direct order" case. I think what happened is that the ranking officer saw how ridiculous the case was and just threw it out. At least I hope that's the case.
Here in prison we are issued two sets of clothes and are able to trade in one set each day for a clean set. Because many of us want to dress decently for visits and for school, one of the sets is comprised of a shirt and pair of pants that is fairly new, having gone through only one or two washes. These whites are far better than the dingy brown stuff we usually use.
This morning when I went to exchange my dirty clothes, I was wearing my whites like I have since I got them in May. As I was walking away from the window, the laundry captain called me back and asked me to turn around. Then he asked me to take off my shirt and leave it behind. Apparently, he thought it was too white. So now I don't have a nice shirt for when my family comes to see me. I really didn't see any reason for the captain to take my shirt- no tears or holes, no alterations of any kind. I thinb sometimes that just mess with us for their own pleasure.
We had our second of three exams in Anthropology today. As I walked out to the education building I realized I had forgotten about it all weekend. I barely got a chance to look over my notes before going into the classroom. I didn't expect to ace this one like my other exams this session.
I sat down at my desk waiting for the exam to be passed out while information was flying through my head in a final attempt to get organized. When I received my exam, I whipped through it with no problems at all. Every answer seemed obvious to me. About twenty minutes later I turned it in.
By the end of class we had our tests graded and handed back. I had aced this one. Even without studying beforehand, I scored a 100. These classes just don't seem to be taught on a college level. It seems more like extended high school. Is this really preparing me for a challenging university or career in the future?
The chaplain started a new Bible study this evening called Restoring Joy. It's a twelve-step program to recovering peace and putting hurts behind you by looking at the Beatitudes and a few more of Jesus' teachings.
Tonight we got way off subject a few times, but I think some guys still learned even from the rabbit trails. A few of the guys asked some very elementary questions and others that were more plainly misguided. I hope this class gives them a more solid foundation on which to place their faith and reveals to them a God with whom they really would want a relationship.
The subject matter tonight was a lot of milk for me. I'm sure I will get a new perspective on who I am (or at least receive a good reminder) but I think the class is tailored to young Christians. I pray that everyone taking part fall deeper in love with the only God who loves us.
Breakfast was crazy today. To understand what happened you have to hear about yesterday's rec. For some reason, an Hispanic guy fought a black guy and all their respective gang members started fighting to back their friends up. I wasn't at rec, but I heard everybody hit the ground and about thirty guys were handcuffed and taken to segregation.
Back to breakfast. I was eating my eggs and biscuits when I heard some scuffling behind me and all the black guys around me stood up. When I looked back I saw a really tall black guy holding an Hispanic guy at arm's reach while the Hispanic guy tried to swing, missing every time. One of the other black guys was telling everyone else to cool off. The guards were yelling STOP! STOP!
The tall black guy just turned to the guards, turned back, punched the Hispanic guy in the face three times to drop him, then laid down on the ground with his hands behind his back. The sergeant handcuffed both of them and led them out of the dining hall, the Hispanic guy with blood streaming down his face.
All of us were afraid that, with the fight yesterday and this morning, the guards would cancel our holiday meal. Really, after eating our Thanksgiving lunch, I don't know why we wanted our holiday meal so badly. We had one slice of turkey, one scoop of stuffing, some fruity Jell-o, a small piece of carrot cake, and a spoon of peach cobbler. My last incarcerated Thanksgiving meal had three meats and overflowing stuffing and cranberry sauce, and a tray full of desserts. Today's meal was only slightly more than a normal meal and, though it tasted better, it just wasn't enough to justify cancelling dinner and giving johnnies.
This is definitely my least favorite time of the year in prison because it's so tough being away from family and not doing the traditional stuff. In keeping with Thanksgiving tradition, here's what I'm thankful for: health, support from family and friends, school, books, and the love of Christ. Without those things, my time would be so much tougher.
Today I had my first lab practical in geology. Again, it was mostly review - just rocks and minerals from my physical geology class that I took before I was arrested. All we had to do was identify the rocks and minerals by their names and identify what type of rock they were, all multiple choice. I scored higher on this test than any other so far - 109 out of a possible 110. The only point I missed was a word in my answer on the bonus. I wish I had bigger challenges. It's kind of annoying to me to receive 100's on everything because I don't feel like I'm really being pushed to learn.
The same thing is happening in the Bible study that I go to on Tuesday nights. Tonight we stayed on topic, but the topics were either information that I'd heard many times before or so stretched in their spirituality that I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't want to speak up because I don;t want to confuse the other guys in the class or look like I'm contradicting the teacher. I think I'll give it a couple more weeks before I make my decision to leave the class or not.
I came back from my morning anthropology class and half the dorm had move slips. All but one of the new guys moved out and the one that stayed is trying to move. That means no more yelling at the TV during football games and banging beats all night. Maybe I'll get some sleep.
One of the guys that moved in is a friend and fellow nerd. We're also in the anthropology class together so I can help him study. That addition makes the dorm more interesting, at least for me. It will be nice to have a guy to talk games, movies, and books with.
This morning I had a rude awakening. The guard on my wing called me out to get my statement for a disciplinary case that had been written on me two days earlier without my even knowing about it. Boy, was I shocked. I didn't do anything to deserve a case being written.
Thursday morning I was wakened by a guard who told me to put the books that were on my bed into my locker. I must have not been awake enough for it to register because, when she came back to waken me to go to the clinic, she told me, "I've already told you once to put your books away. If I see them out when I come back, you're getting a case." Rather than making a fuss, I did what she asked and went to the clinic. Since my bunk was clear, I didn't expect her to write me up.
I really hope that the case is dismissed. I like my job and dorm, and would certainly prefer to stay where I am instead of going to segregation temporarily. I can't believe that guards act that way and get away with it most of the time.
More changes in the dorm. The last guy in this dorm associated with the neo-Nazi white supremacist group left to go to segregation. He had amassed an astonishing six disciplinary cases in two days (remember that definition of crash dummy?) It's good that he's out because of his influence on other guys and the heat he brought from the guards.
That fifth open bunk - and all the others - didn't stay empty for long. Each was filled when I came back from school. What a surprise to leave a half-empty house and return two hours later to find a party going on! Three of the guys who moved in are very loud, one beats and raps nonstop, and none are on shower crew or in school, which means our schedules are about as dissimilar as they come. I hope a remedy is found and soon. I don't really want my grades to suffer from even less sleep that I get already.
I took two exams today, back-to-back, in a Wednesday doubleheader. After the dust settles and the synapse firing was over, I emerged victorious. Both were aced; no battle scars this time.
I was a little worried about the anthropology test. It wasn't so much the material itself, but the depth that I wasn't sure about. Most tests I take I don't have to do much more than a quick scan to be comfortable with the information covered. I'm pretty good at the multisensory learning - hear, see, write - so the info is retained well. For this test, I actually spent some quality time getting to know the chapters. It turned out that only minimal recollection was required for the exam. I still don't mind keeping in line with the Boy Scout motto - Be Prepared.
The geology exam was a breeze, just like the previous one. The material was still review from the last geology class I took, so it was fish in a barrel for me. I know that it's going to get tougher when the biology stuff appears. I'll be ready.
The chaplain started a new Bible study this evening called Restoring Joy. It's a twelve-step program to recovering peace and putting hurts behind you by looking at the Beatitudes and a few more of Jesus' teachings. From flipping through the book it looks like it will be a good twelve weeks.
Tonight we got way off subject a few times, but I think some guys still learned even from the rabbit trails. A few of the guys asked some very elementary questions and some others that were plainly misguided. I hope this class gives them a more solid foundation on which to place their faith and reveals to them a God with whom they really would want a relationship.
The subject matter tonight was a lot of milk for me. I'm sure I will get a new perspective on who I am (or at least receive a good reminder) but I think the class is tailored to young Christians. I pray that everyone taking part falls deeper in love with the only God who loves us.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Make-up classes for the times we missed during lockdown were supposed to take place today, so I was expecting an early wake-up call. That didn't happen. Instead, I woke up with a start at lunch time and was worried I had missed my morning class. I asked the guard working on my hall, but she didn't know anything about the morning classes.
Turns out there was an administrative mix-up by the prison. Both the students (all except me, it turns out) and instructors showed up for class, but the students were all turned back to their dorms because the computer didn't have us marked for morning classes. What a waste of a good morning for the seven instructors who drive more than an hour to get here.
I guess they got the computer fixed - or ignored - because the afternoon classes went through as planned. At least it wasn't a completely wasted day for the instructors. I'm glad I didn't get into trouble for not going to class this morning.
This morning I woke up for lunch and another guy was gone with all his stuff. He is a member of the neo-Nazi so I figured he had been taken for involvement in gang activity. I found out that Tex was put in the highest level of protective custody, which means his life is thought to be in danger and he will never be placed in general population in prison again. That's a hard way to do time.
Late in the afternoon, the guy taken this morning was brought back to the dorm with his property. He's not moving. Along with several other guys connected to the neo-Nazi group, he was interviewed by the gang investigator and had all his property searched, including every letter and piece of paperwork. He is under the impression that he will be confirmed as a gang member and shipped off the unit within a few weeks, While all this is going on, he still has six disciplinary cases pending and is waiting to go to segregation. Some guys just seem too far gone and will never learn. I hope he's not one of those, for his own sake.
Today in my little ten-man dorm, four people left for various reasons. We still have three empty bunks, which is an amazing feat even for the twenty-eight-man dorms. Here's how it happened:
Jimmy, one of my friends and a fellow Christian, completes his two years on a transfer unit in a few weeks. In the Texas prison system, an inmate doesn't go straight to a regular unit with the guys who have long sentences until they stay in transfer units for their first two years. So Jimmy left this morning to be reclassified for his time at a a regular unit. That's one.
The second guy to move was Knox, one of the kill-shot guys. He went to a different dorm because he didn't want to be on the shower crew any longer and traded places with someone who did want to be on the shower crew. That's two and explains the filled bunk.
The last two guys to move were Tex and Ugly and their story is a bit more complicated. It seems that Tex said some things about a neo-Nazi group that they didn't like. Ugly is a prospective member of the neo-Nazis, kind of like rushing a fraternity, except instead of stupid hazing pranks, the neo-Nazis told him that he had to be the one to discipline Tex. So, in the evening Ugly started a short-lived fight that looked more like just grappling each other. The guards saw the fight and took both Tex and Ugly down to segregation. Within ten minutes, all the property was taken out of the dorm by the guards. There's three and four.
What a crazy day! Almost half of the dorm gone in less than twelve hours. Prison can be so surreal, sometimes like living in a weird TV show.
This historical geology class isn't as interesting to me as the physical geology class I have already taken. I like all the earth-shaping stuff, like volcanoes, earthquakes, and the like. Flipping through the textbook it looks like a lot of what we cover is going to be dead creatures found in the rocks.Lots of biology-type stuff, which is probably my least favorite science.
So far the material we've covered has been a review for me. We took our first test today and I aced it, bonus question included. I don't think the rest of the session will be very difficult, even if it is biology.
The instructor is in his late fifties and is definitely born-and-raised country. He has a thick, unmistakable Texas drawl. A few of his ancestors fought in The Civil War - he calls it the War Between the States - and he seems to still be bitter about the loss in a joking sort of way. Yesterday he told the story of a short layover that he shared with an old classmate in a New Jersey airport. After watching the behavior of people around him, he turned to his friend and said, "Walker, now I know why we went to war with these fellas." Certainly makes for an interesting class.
Today, for the first time in almost three months, I had a visit from C. I also hadn't heard from her by mail since that last visit. I wasn't sure what was going on - if she was too busy with school, work, and campus life, or didn't feel comfortable communicating with me. It was a huge blessing to see and talk with her and catch up on everything that has been going on.
I had been worried a little bit that after we split in June, we might drop communication entirely. I've seen that too many times with guys around me for the past year and a half. Going off the map for three months almost had me convinced that it had happened to me. Boy, was I happy to see her today. Even though we aren't romantically involved anymore, I still consider her my best friend. There's no one else that I can open up to as well as C. I can't say for certain, but I think the same is true for her. I really hope she finds a mentor of intimate friend she can be herself with because it's kind of tough to be that from here.
Seeing such a good frines was such a pick-me-up. Though I was disappointed to see her go, I came out with a glow. I look forward to getting out of here so those kinds of friendships can continue and multiply.
Despite yesterday's entry, I am beginning to feel like this life is normal. I'm used to being wakened at any hour for whatever reason - noise, food, count, searches. As much as I don't like it, I've become used to the overwhelming negativity of inmates and guards. I'm no longer surprised by stupid rules that pop up out of nowhere when a guard wants their way.
Every day that I go to school is like an escape. There I am a person with a voice, opinion, intellect, and name. It's a reminder of what I'm working toward. The classes are almost like the classes that I was taking before I was arrested. We just can't leave whenever we finish, and all the students wear remarkably similar clothing. The instructors don't have a bias against any of us that I've seen and about half the guys in class actually have good comments and questions. It's great to be around (some) people who use their brain. I can't wait to get back out and away from this world that has become normal for me.
Well, it's most of the way through the week and I am pooped. It's been a long time since I went to school from 8:00 AM to 2:30 PM and I didn't have a job then, either - a night job, at that. I used to be involved in all kinds of activities after school: football, theater, track, soccer, Bible study. But, like I said, it's been a while.
I'm glad my day is so filled now. It feels a bit more like the busyness I'm used to on the outside. I just wish I could make my own choices and do what I want instead of waking up with my day decided for me. I miss being outside, too. We haven't had rec outside for about two weeks now. Because I'm not able to run, I've been doing work outs in the dorm - mostly pull-ups and hanging crunches. I hope we get some good time outside before it gets too chilly.
I thinl part of the reason I'm exhausted is my erratic sleep schedule. I don't think I've gotten more than four hours of straight sleep since the weekend and it's never at the same time of day, either. That's just a reality of prison life when you share your room with nine guys, a TV, toilet, and shower. Oh, if I could have a quiet place with a mattress, covers and a pillow - right now that would be heaven.
Servants: men and women without standing, without accomplishment, without influence.
The core element in a servant identity is not being God, not being in charge, not taking the initiative.
Or, to put it positively, a servant enters into what has already been decided by another, what is already going on, alert to the gestures and guidance of the Master.
The servant doesn't know the whole story, doesn't know the end from the beginning.
All the while he is also aware that there is far more going on, both good and evil, than he has any knowledge of. . He lives, in other words, in a mystery but not in confusion.
A good servant is ever eager to trust and obey and honor God as the sovereign who is personal and present -
Yahweh:God here and now.
The greatest among you must be a servant.But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. - Matthew 23:11-12
Last night Swat was at the door to the dorm talking to one of the lieutenants about moving to a bottom bunk and stuff about the shower crew. The lieutenant stepped into the dorm and told us to put everything down on a request - who wants to go where, who in the dorm isn't on shower crew, and anything else that needs to be done.
Swat asked me to write it because I've been able to get things done (supposedly) with the way I write. I put everyone's move requests first, then put down the guys who weren't on shower crew. These guys were going to be moved out of the dorm. I wasn't sure if Ugly wanted to move out so I asked Swat about it because Ugly was asleep... or so I thought
Apparently Ugly was not sleeping because he shot up and demanded to know why it mattered. I explained what I was doing when he shot in.
"Are you trying to kite me out of here?!"
Kiting someone is one of the most disrespectful and shady things a guy can do in prison, just short of snitching. It is effectively kicking someone out of a dorm by complaining to the guards. I was not trying to kite him out.
"No, I'm just wondering if you were still trying to get on the shower crew or if you were trying to go to the kitchen. Lieutenant wants it on paper."
"If I want something done, I'll do it myself! You don't need to worry about my business!"
"I'm trying to help you because the lieutenant can make things happen. I just didn't know what you wanted. But now I won't even put your name on here if it makes you feel better about that."
"Don't worry about how I feel!" Ugly screamed as he put his boots on to get up and fight.
"I'm not going to fight, bro."
"I know you aren't. I just want you to shut up!" He rose.
Swat stepped in to settle Ugly down and it was over.
Ugly has been in and out of prison since he was 12, with the longest time out being only six months. He's new in the dorm so I think he's still trying to win approval from his buddies like he's done for the past twelve years. I really feel sorry for him and have talked with him briefly about changing, but he does not welcome the idea - even with two sons waiting for their dad. Sad.
Today I went to see the chaplain. I put in a request a few days ago to talk through and pray about the attempted suicide (see blog entry 10/22/08.)I'm not having trouble going to sleep anymore, but I wanted to have someone to pray with me. I've met the chaplain before during chapel services and chatted with him afterward, but I haven't really gotten to know him or vice versa. I told him about my history and everything I was doing before I came to prison, then talked through the attempted suicide and how well I knew the guy. Before I left, we had a short prayer together. While I wanted to come in to pray for the guy, the chaplain focused completely on me.
It was really good for me to talk through things with someone other than an inmate in my dorm. I don't know why it took me so long to get to know the chaplain, but I'm glad I did. I'm hoping to get into the Bible study he's starting next month. I've learned a lot already, yet I know God has more that He wants to show me.
Last night I had a good discussion with Biscuit about what we believe. He calls himself a pagan and says he follows the pagan bible. I've never met a pagan so I was curious to find out what it was all about. Our discussion lasted from getting off work until breakfast - several hours - and was not antagonistic at all. That is, except for the interruptions from Ugly (Ugly is his chosen nickname) where he just called Biscuit stupid over and over again for believing what he does and not in Christianity.
Biscuit said pagans believe that everyone can become a god if they do something worth remembering, good or bad. I asked him what the benefit of being a god would be if you are dead. His reply was that you are remembered, nothing else. He said he prays to gods, but doesn't think that they actually do anything. Biscuit also asserts that each person has a personal heaven and hell especially made for them. Right and wrong is whatever you want it to be, not absolute at all.
I told him there has to be an absolute right and wrong or else there wouldn't be universal laws against harming another person. I explained to him how the Christian life life should be lived like Christ and, if that is done, no harm will be done to anyone. He wanted to know why Jesus, so I explained that Jesus was God's Son and had many witnesses to the miracles that he did, including resurrection. I know the conversations that I have will never sway anyone to Christ, but I pray that the Holy Spirit would work in their lives. I really don't want any of these guys to come back to prison or suffer a worse fate later on.
"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." - 1 Corinthians 3:6-7
After work this morning, I filled out a request to the major and warden of the unit about the shower crew. For the past month we haven't had the right supplies or enough workers. The showers have steadily started looking worse and we've had to pull random people out from across the unit to help. I don't know if anyone with rank cares, but I like to see a job well done when I pout effort into it.
I asked to get towels designated for the shower crew so we don't mess up the general population's towels when we wipe down the showers. The scrub pads we had were actually cut up floor buffing pads that don't scrub well at all, so I asked for new pads. The oil that we use to shine and protect (sounds like a commercial) is coming to us in amounts that only shine and protect half of our showers. To me, it sounds very silly to complain to prison officials about the tools they have given us work with. I just figure they will want the showers looking their best when the auditors come during the next few weeks. It's a very slim chance that this unit gets shut down for various reasons, but I really want to keep it open so I can get my education - or at least part of it.
Well, we got off lockdown today. I bet we're one of the first in the state because this unit is small. We found out yesterday evening the lockdown had been lifted . That also means we went to work last night and had real meals today. Still no rec, though. I think the unit is still short-staffed.
It was so good to get out of the dorm last night for work. Going anywhere after being in the same room for a week is great. And the first few meals coming off lockdown are always the most yummy. The only downside is getting the TV back on, which means noise all day and evening. Tonight is wrestling. Yippee! (not!) I wish it would just stay off.
No telling how the lockdown will affect school. I don't know if our grades will just be averaged or we will lose those credits. I hope it's something with common sense.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I've had a hard time getting to sleep the past few days. Each time I lie down or close my eyes I see a guy dangling from the ceiling or twitching violently on the floor. I haven't had any bad dreams, thankfully.
It's hard to get the suicide attempt off my mind with all this empty time on my hands. I wish it hadn't happened at all, but I especially wish it hadn't happened on lockdown. There's not anything going on to take my mind off the guy and I haven't been able to talk to the chaplain yet to work through stuff. All I've done is pray and read. I don't even feel like writing home or to anyone else right now.
I woke up and thought something was caught in the fan that was brought into the dorm. The noise stopped and I didn't see anything so I rolled over.
"Somebody help me hold him up! Cut him down! Cut him down!"
Thinking there was a fight, I looked up and saw a haunting picture: my co-worker and bunkmate was dangling unconsciously from the ceiling by a noose with his head lolled to one side. Tex was trying to hold him up while Knox grabbed a razor blade to cut the sheet that was holding the guy up. I didn't fully realize what was going on until he was down and dragged into the day room and guys were beating on the door to get an officer. I was in shock, frozen.
The guy revived on his own and went into seizures right before the guards showed up. As the guy was making horrible wheezing sounds and thrashing on the floor, the guards thought the seizure was the whole story until we showed them the sheet. I was on my bunk, trembling and praying fervently.
The guy was taken to the hospital and will probably end up at the state mental hospital with at least a little brain damage from lack of blood and air for so long. I don't have a clue why he did it. We were playing dominoes and laughing earlier, and had eaten a prison pizza together just hours earlier. Nothing seemed wrong.
He left a note wrapped around a picture of his four daughters saying "I let them down."
That had to have been one of the scariest nights I've had. I haven't been to sleep yet and can't get the images out of my head. All I can do is pray for him, his family, the guards, the medical personnel, and us in the dorm.
~ God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world ~C. S. Lewis
After the adventure of registering for classes yesterday, I stayed up to study and take my philosophy test over ethics. I was dead tired when I started the test and very nervous that I wouldn't perform well or remember the material. I think that fear put me in gear, because I feel like I wrote a really good paper. At least, it would have been a good paper if I could have finished it.
I had one paragraph left to write when we were told to stop writing and return to our dorms. We had been put on lockdown. I didn't find out until today that some idiot on Death Row had acquired a cell phone and called a state senator to threaten him. As you can imagine, the senator was ticked off and got the governor ticked off. The governor then issued a statewide prison lockdown to search for more cell phones, and other "contraband",which ticked off the guards and inmates.
So, this morning we went through the property search and shakedown like before. This week will be filled with boredom as we can't go to work, school, or rec. Even meals will be brought to us in johnnies. All this gives me a chance to catch up on letter writing and reading. It's nice to have the TV off, too.
This morning I had registration for classes. Last time I registered, I was finished within an hour. That time we were called down to the education building in groups of ten and three counselors from the nearby community college helped sign us up for classes.Not so today.
When the group of thirty that I was called out with arrived at the registration location, there was already a room full of guys waiting to register with one counselor to accommodate all of them. My group was hurried into another room to wait. After about thirty minutes of waiting, I got to move into another room. At this point it was 9:30 AM.
The activities in this room were completely disorganized, with no rhyme or reason to the order to see the counselor. We tried to remedy the situation by instituting a snake-like pattern to the line, but the counselor didn't realize that many at the head of the "snake" had just arrived. The tail was filled with guys who had been there longer than I had. She (the counselor) could have done it all alphabetically, which would have been easier and faster because the list in front of her was set up that way.
At 11:30, I still had fifteen guys ahead of me, so I went outside to tell a guard that many of us had missed lunch. At noon, a group came in that had a bunch of guys that were supposed to be in a class. They were rushed to the front of the line, thinking that they would be finished before the class was over. I told the counselor that some of us had been waiting for three hours and the new arrivals would be better off going to class and coming back after class. She agreed and sent them on their way.
At 12:30,a group of us left to go eat at the dining hall. They were out of food when we arrived so we had to wait for chicken patties to be cooked. Thirty minutes later, we got our food and were ready to go back to the education building, but it was count time so we had to wait another thirty minutes before we could try again to register.
By 2:00PM, I had finally finished registering for classes, five hours after being called down there. Perfect example of state inefficiency. The whole time I was waiting I should have been asleep. I have test at 5:30 that I will probably be very tired for. I hope they figure out how to be better organized for the next time around. Even in prison, five hours is a long time to do nothing.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
My dad came down today for a visit and we were able to talk about some deep and tough stuff with each other. I've been having some hard times recently with being here. I feel like I've already learned what I came here to learn and now I just want to go home. I know I'm not finished learning because there is always some way I can take in more wisdom. I would rather learn with family and friends nearby because I am tired of this experience.
The only thing that is really worth anything to me here is the school. The classes are a blessing., but even those I would be able to take outside prison. I feel surrounded by ignorant, stubborn guys who won't listen to reason or even the littlest things. School is the only place where I can have intelligent conversations, but even in that setting there are not too many people really want to learn to change their wrong thinking. School is just something for them to do.
I want to continue my life instead of living at a standstill. I also have some relationships I feel like I need to reconcile and I don't think much fixing can be done from my current position. I continue to pray and have faith foe release in God's timing.
I don't know why but, for the past few days, I've only been able to get a few hours of sleep. Over the past two days I've slept eight hours total. I can't stand being a zombie, stumbling around groggily. It's not that I haven't tried to sleep, either, because I have. I can lay in my bed for an hour feeling dead tired and still not hit slumber.
Most of the time I can't sleep because people in the dorm are loud or the TV is turned up, but when it's quiet I can't sleep, either. It makes it hard to work or interact at school, too. I really hope I can catch up this weekend when I'm off.
Ugh, so tired.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Yesterday the grades from our philosophy test came back. I got an 86, not bad but also not what I wanted. There were not any comments on any of the papers except on the front where "chart" was written.
A week before the test, the instructor told us what we needed to know for the test. He included the fact that we need to know and be able to reproduce one of the charts in the book. The day of the test, he put the essay questions on the board without anything about the chart; nearly everyone wrote out their essay. Only two people drew the chart out on the paper.
I assumed that, since it was an essay, I would write out the information on the chart to explain it. Apparently, the instructor wanted a drawing of the actual chart; he took away 7 points, which would have given me a comfortable "A".
It amazed me and several other classmates that we had our A's taken away from us because we didn't have clear instructions to draw the chart.
And I still don't know where the other 7 points went.
We got a new guy in the dorm over the weekend that Biscuit has been trying to bring on the shower crew for a while. On his own, Biscuit is already a little bit crazy, but with the new guy, Knox, around, he's even crazier. They constantly wrestle with each other, rather loudly at that. Knox is apparently the King of "Kill Shots", pictures of nearly nude women that are used to "kill" on. I don't mess with the shots at all, but, boy, do Biscuit and Knox. Knox has a full photo album of them and Biscuit is gathering more.
Last night when we went to work both of them brought kill shots with them to trade with guys in the dorms they cleaned. Each trade was made for an apparent profit as both sides got rid of a girl they don't want anymore and received a new prize in exchange. It reminded me of Pokemon or baseball cards that used to be traded during recess in middle school.
"This girl has it going on here, but I can't use her because of this."
"Nice face, but the rest doesn't work for me at all."
Of course, I'm using much less graphic paraphrase. Even after we returned to the dorm, Biscuit and Knox argued over the strengths of their collection against the weaknesses of the other. Four hours later in mid-morning they were still arguing their tastes in kill shots while I just shook my head in pity, rolled over and went to sleep.
(Note: The following four blog entries were journal entries actually written 9/8-9/11/08. The first entry was originally written on 9/08/08. The blog "editor" lost them in her desk and just now found them. Oops! Better late than never?)
"Right is right. It defines itself."
"Religion kills people and is just a control mechanism. That'swhy I don't like religion."
"Everything is energy; you, me, the table, our souls. Anything can become anything else and probably will at some point."
These statements come from the professor of the philosophy class I'm taking. All on our first day, too. The man at the front of the room is an aged vet with a doctorate that he says gives him the right to call himself intelligent and the class dumb.With a grin.
"I'm going to teach you how to think," he said after we all settled into our seats, as if none of us had ever done any real thinking before.
The college level philosophy class I took before prison was one of my favorites. As a "team-taught" class, I heard the perspectives from philosophy, science, and mathematics all at once. And fortunately, none of those professors had the intellectual ego to blow out the hot air steaming up the classroom here.
I'm excited to be in this class. I love to learn, regardless of how I get the information. Losing debates with this professor ought to be fun. He'll do his mental victory dance after quashing the argument of a college sophomore.
(Note: this entry was originally written on 9/11/08)
Yesterday in Philosophy class the professor was talking about how religion and philosophy differ and he was really groping for the right buttons to push before someone spoke out against him. Though I haven't had good intellectual debate in a while, I gave it a go.
The professor had said all religion is bad because it relies on a foundation that may not and probably does not exist. I asked him, "If you don't find religion compelling enough to believe in, where do you find purpose in your life? Why keep living?"
"I find purpose in gaining knowledge, power, and sharing knowledge with others," he replied.
"If you're lucky you'll live 100 years. Then why will any of that matter when you are dead and have long become worm food?"
"It helps my kids and their kids and so on."
"So, you're just gone with your last hope before you die that your descendants will be better off with your instruction?"
"Yeah, and therefore improve the world."
We had several other exchanges on the problem of evil, energy, and the soul, and other topics. A guy later got confused in the lecture and remarked,"I'm lost." The professor said, "Talk to him (meaning me.) He'll tell you about Jesus."
At the end of class I stayed behind to tell the professor that I deeply respected him and really looked forward to the remainder of the session. He gave me a look like he wasn't looking forward to the having the outspoken young squirt in standing front of him in his class.
(Note: This entry was originally written on 9/10/08.)
Man, I've got to get out of here. Every now and then I have days where the longing for the familiarity of friends and home is overwhelming. I feel like the kid that hid from Mom in the clothing rack while shopping and now can't seem to find even the hem of her dress to hold on to."Paging the real world. I am a lost boy without a way home."
Today the feeling began before I woke up. I had a dream about spending a normal day with C. and a couple of friends. We were doing all those things you take for granted when you are free: walking the campus, playing in the park, getting a bite to eat at that killer sandwich shop with the fashionably vegetarian offerings.
Waking up was a slap to the cerebrum - you are not free in your tiny white-walled existence shared with nine other men.
The feeling continued when a movie aired on TV that was a close replica of the relationship I shared with C. before I entered prison. Down to the quirks and dress of both the guy and girl characters, I was reminded of what is past.
I want to escape the colorless so I can be free to be me. I need my real peers, the one-maybe-two-steps-from-becoming-full-fledged-adult college crowd, to poke fun at my foibles and to motivate me to be more.
Around here I am treated as some kind of eccentric genius. I fit neither term.
(Note: This journal entry was originally written on 9/09/08.)
I came back to the dorm from school at 8 this evening and, to my surprise, the TV was turned off. Hallelujah! I wondered why and the guys said it was because satellite was being hooked up. Oh no!
There are already arguments over what show gets watched with the five channels we had. Imagine the flare-ups when we have more possibilities. I would rather they keep the old channels or take the TV out completely.
Too bad my wishes vanished into thin air around 9:30. A guy in civilian clothes came in to set up the new channels with a remote and was gone in a matter of seconds. Waiting for the TV to self-program, the guys sat around speculating on the great new channels and shows we would get.
The TV sparked to life and the speculation was over. We now have less channels than before, but more movies and football - the main argument starters. Oh boy.
So, here's a routine night as a worker on the shower crew:
Around 10:45, after the first unit roster count for the night, the shower crew boss of the night shows up at the dorm to pull the eight of us out. We share the same dorm, eating and doing most things together. Don't let me fool you, though; we only have just enough camaraderie to get the job done.
When we get outside the dorm and into the hallway, we split into teams of two. My usual partner is a guy from Killeen we call Tex. After getting our bucket of supplies - two scrub pads, state-made Comet, stainless steel shine, and a few towels - we set off to our pre-determined dorms of our choosing, kind of like the shotgun game. Whoever calls a dorm first, gets it.
Upon entering the dorm, we say our "wahzzup"'s and head to the the back to fill our buckets with hot water. Sometimes the water is a little too hot to mix, which gives us more time to talk with friends int the dorm.
After the water is mixed with the weak Comet, we get to scrubbing. Each dorm has four shower stalls made of stainless steel. We scrub every part that shines - or should shine - even the ceilings. Once the showers are scrubbed, we wipe them dry with a towel and follow up with the stainless steel cleaner on a rag. The stainless steel shine has a scent like diesel and is applied like Pine-Sol, wiped over every surface for a spotless shine.
It certainly is not the most glamorous job, cleaning the soap scum and man scum left from regular shower use and extracurriculars. Most nights we don't even get gloves. As long as we use those chemicals I'm not too concerned. I get clean when I get back to my dorm.
I just like moving around the unit and seeing guys I usually can't talk with. The extra cups of coffee aren't bad, either. There's even talk among the guards that we'll be getting an extra johnny sack after we finish each night.
Once we finish the dorms and have the showers inspected, the shower boss strip searches us and we return to our dorm. Each night we complete a whole wing of eight dorms - two for each duo and four showers apiece. Back at the dorm, I clean up then put together a meal with Tex and Ramirez. A prison pizza is a great cap to the night.
It started yesterday, but caught up with me today. A slightly sore throat developed into a ruby red one coupled with a stuffy nose. Blech! I hate being sick, especially during the holidays. Last year I was really sick on Christmas. I couldn't even eat the big meal or the orange they gave us. That was the only fresh fruit I got all year and I had to give it up. Later that day I puked out the little bit of food that I did eat.
