I've been in a foul mood for the past couple of days. I'll be leaving sometime this summer and I want to leave the library in good hands so my work isn't wasted. Unfortunately, the guys that are there right now don't seem to want to work, just hang out instead. This has been added stress on top of the stress of going home soon and facing all the unknowns that will meet me there, including the challenges I'm not even aware of right now.
I went to the worship service tonight. On each fifth Saturday of the month - usually one out of every three months has one - a worship band from Midlothian or Red Oak comes to do an all-music service. When I was in the choir, this was the only time that I was able to actually worship and now it's the only service I attend. All the other services have messages that I can't really relate to.
During this service I was able to just sing and allow God's love and grace wash over me. Music has always been a powerful force in my life and tonight was no different. I feel buoyed after praising my Creator, knowing that He has it all covered.
After the service I went to one the volunteers to talk and pray. He was about five years older than me so I figured he would be able to relate at least a little, I shared my concerns for my uncertain future and worries about the library, and the guy gave me reassurance that it is normal to stress out and reminded me that God is ready for my trust. After our prayer and farewell I was in a much better mood. It sounds silly but I feel like a pulled 180 tonight out of my funk.
Christmas was pretty good this year for me. The cool stuff started yesterday with a meeting with a friend I had made in county jail and had written a few times. I saw Cameron in the dining hall, then hung out with him at rec for a couple of hours, catching up on everything new. He is one of the very few guys my age here that has an intelligent mind, We're also both big gamers and have similar taste in games. It's great to have a friend around that I can actually talk with about my interests.
Late Christmas Eve it began to snow, as huge front moved in. The little bit of flurries grew into a full winter storm (at least for north Texas) with snow whirling through the air in the high wind. When I woke this morning and looked out the window, I saw pasture land covered with white. The snow had stuck and I had my first white Christmas.
Our Christmas meal was even better than Thanksgiving. The kitchen is $60,000 under - UNDER! - budget so they went all out to make Christmas great. We had smoked turkey and turkey ham, stuffing and cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, and dinner rolls. Our dessert tray had apple and pumpkin pie slices from Sara Lee, a cup of Blue Bunny ice cream, a big brownie, and two oatmeal raisin cookies. After finishing the main tray, I only had room in my belly for the ice cream and then only because it would have been no good if melted.
Tonight I was surprised to see that the volunteers who usually come out on Fridays had actually come out on Christmas day. We had a great worship service and message as a great close to a wonderful day.
At chapel this evening the guest was a music professor from a local university who brought an oboe, clarinet, English horn, soprano sax, alto sax, and flute. While the worship team played, he played different instruments and did riffs off whatever we played, completely unrehearsed.After the worship team had played, the professor played a number of songs on his own as we meditated on the lyrics. Usually I love the sound of the oboe. The film The Mission made me fall in love with its playful timbre. But tonight I was blessed most by the songs played on the flute, especially the first song he did, Lamb of God by Twila Paris.
My mom plays (or played; I don't know if she still picks it up) the flute and I remember hearing songs of hers when I was growing up. It wasn't often. Every now and then she had a piece she would be practicing for church. She also loves Twila Paris' music and it would ring through the house all the time when I was a kid. Hearing both of them - flute and Twila Paris - together, I couldn't help thinking about my mom.
I made sure to tell the professor how much his music blessed me and why. He told me he was glad that God worked through him and to pass on to my mom what happened. I sure will.
* "Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands" - Psalm 100:1 (KJV)
Today was the first time I helped lead worship during our chapel service. I wasn't nervous at all, but we did some songs I wasn't quite used to yet. Despite the bumps, we praised with a joyful noise. I would like to get to a place where the music I play is not a stumbling block in any way for the rest of the guys.
It's great being a part of a group of guys who have joy and patience with my playing. Instead of looks of disappointment, all I saw were smiles on their faces. This encouraging group makes it much easier to feel in place and play for God instead of worrying about messing up. With some more practice, I should be able to minimize the flaws so everyone in the room can praise in the same way.
Today was the first practice I've had for the worship team. Now the tips of my fingers on my left hand are nearly raw and quite sore. That's the penalty for not playing for two years.
Even though I was a bit rusty, all the chords came back to me pretty quickly and the other guys were very forgiving. None of us are professionals by any measurement, but we lift a joyful noise. There were many times I just sang along, though I knew most of the songs on the guitar already.
Because I have finals on Wednesday when the chapel service is held, I won't be playing then. About halfway through practice I handed the guitar over to another guy so he could get some good time in. It is so great to be playing with these guys who love Christ and encourage one another. Such a better atmosphere than the dorm with all its profanity, insults and plain disrespect.
A couple of weeks ago I was approached by one of the guitarists on the worship team and asked to join as another guitarist. This guy, Barbie, was leaving soon, knew I used to lead worship on the outside and wanted me to take over his position. I told him that I had classes during chapel until the end of the month, but could practice with them until the classes finished if they needed me. In the next week I had several more guys ask me whether I was going to join. Last week I sent a request to the chaplain to take over the guitarist position and told him about my previous experience leading worship prior to my incarceration. In the time it took me to receive an answer, both of the guitarists left the unit. Now I had no way of smoothly transitioning into the choir if I was allowed to join.
Today I received word from the chaplain that he would bring me on to practice for a couple weeks before putting me in during chapel service. That was good news and a relief. Not only have I not played with the worship team at all, but I also have not even touched a guitar since being arrested two years ago. Right now I'm excited to be used by God leading the music, but nervous about getting back in so quickly.
* "Without worship, we go about miserable." - A. W. Tozer
