My goodness, this has been a stressful week. I feel like I have been playing UN between North and South Korea every day at work. My boss and Ereman, my coworker have been at odds and both are doing the silent treatment to each other. Both are also prying at me for information on what the other is saying about the other. It's been ridiculous.My boss has been getting handwriting analysis done by various other staff to confirm her suspicions. Yesterday, she went to the major to request Ereman's exit from the library job. Of course, since the library is also the gossip mill because of its availability to everyone, my boss has also been asking other inmates what's going on. This results in reckless hypotheses being tossed around as I just sit in silence. I tell her that she ought to just let the job change go through and leave it at that.
I've given the same advice to Ereman, who asked for a job change Tuesday to avoid being fired. Boy, Ereman has been extremely vindictive the whole time. Even though he asked for a job change, he has been showing up in the library for work. However, he does no work at all, content to take a few magazines and supplies. The library's atmosphere is tense just because he's there. Even more, when my boss showed up a few minutes late, he told her boss in front of about ten inmates that she shows up late every day. I tried to correct it but Ereman kept interrupting.
While all this is going on, I have to do all the work on my own. It is tiresome, especially with the stress of dealing with the toxic atmosphere. My boss said I could choose my next coworker, but I don't want that kind of responsibility. I just told her she should choose someone she knows and preferably not a white guy so there is more diversity for scrutinizing eyes.
I hope this is over soon. I'm tired. I would ask for a job change, too, but I know this is only temporary and there would be no one in the library who knows what's going on. I love books too much, too. Guess I'm just stuck for now.
Last week a guy came into the library with a worried face and started yammering, "I didn't do it. I don't know who wrote it but it wasn't me." After a few moments we were able to calm him down enough to find out what he was talking about.
Apparently someone had written an I-60, an inmate written communication form to the staff, to the principal complaining that some people stayed in the library too long with my boss' permission. Whoever had written the I-60 had not only tattled over a non-issue, they had also used someone else's name to write it. Something shady was going on.
Today the guy brought the I-60 to the library for us to see. We always get our I-60's returned to us by mail when they have a reply, so he was bringing the reply, too. I was gone when he came in, but my boss pulled me aside before I went to lunch to show it to me after Ereman left.
"Whose handwriting is this?" she asked as she thrust the paper toward my face.
Oh man, I thought, this is not good. I immediately saw a similarity to Ereman's handwriting. "I don't know," came my response.
"Doesn't it look like Ereman's?"
"Maybe a little bit," I said, trying not to be pulled into something crazy.
After trying to compare the I-60 to stuff Ereman had written, it was pretty clear who had written it. However, I maintained neutrality and told my boss I didn't think he had done it. My request was that I not be pulled into the situation. Whatever was going on was not about me and, in a place like this, the best course of action is to stand as far away as possible. I have a feeling it will get ugly soon.
In the Thursday night Bible study, we have just started reading Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge. It's written as the woman's Wild at Heart, which the group finished just before I joined them. I felt like I ought to read Wild at Heart first to figure out the men's side before going in to the woman's book. We had an extra copy in the library, so I brought it home Friday to start chewing on.
Once I started, I wasn't content with chewing on Wild at heart; O had to inhale. I kept nodding my head in agreement or feeling my heart in my throat as I read about how God created a man and what keeps him form living up to his designed purpose. My mind kept thinking about how I don't live up to the title of "man" and where, in my past, my insecurities came from. There were many mini-prayers asking for my eyes to be opened and my deep wounds and fears to be dealt with.
I guess those prayers were answered. At no time last night was I asleep for more than two and half hours. Too many dreams that related to my reading ans thoughts woke me up. Each time, I took a minute to recall the dream and thank God for revealing me to myself. Even though I was irked by loss of sleep, it was cool to know that I was being dealt with. It's cliche, but be careful because you might get what you ask for. I'm glad my night was interrupted by m y Father's love, though.
I'm not finished with e book, yet, and even further from being who God has purposed me to be. However, I feel like a big change came this weekend in the way I look at myself and the guys around me. Some major questions have been answered and opened up to new things to think about. So far, my weekend has been nothing short of amazing and it's all because God is at work.
Well, it's just been one of those weeks. Noting outside the ordinary happened. Still gossip and drama in the library, small portions of good food in the chow hall, and tough communication in my cell. I guess I felt like I had to do something to spice thins up today.
We had a light rain yesterday that left the track spongy. After a lap of walking, I thought it would be a great time to run barefoot today. I removed my shoes and socks, then jogged up to meet Doc, my bleach-white feet acting like beacons. the ground felt wonderful, like cookie dough between my toes. It was just dry enough that I could leave footprints but not be slowed by mud stuck to my feet.
Doc took a break after eight laps, but I was enjoying the massage on-the-go too much to stop. I got a few weird looks and funny salutations. They just don't understand. It felt better than running with shoes.
I always finish my runs with a faster-paced lap and a full-speed finish, so after my eleventh lap, I lengthened my stride and got going. My footfalls were deeper and stickier than usual, but it was like I gained a sense of the power of my stride.
Because it was so comfortable, I didn't think I would have any blisters. Boy, was I wrong. When I came in from rec, I had two huge blisters on my bog toes and a couple on my other toes. I drained and put triple antibiotic on them all, but my feet feel like they have been through a bad acupuncture session and acid bath. I know I'll heal up quickly. I should have known I would pay for the pleasure of running barefoot.
For a couple months I've been taking off every morning from work to go to rec for an hour and a half. I figured out with Ereman that our mornings are really slow, so it's not hard for him to maintain things while I'm gone. The library is pretty easy anyway. Take names, number, and book info and pass it on to the boss to be entered into the computer.
Anyway, I've been working out and running with Doc again. He pushes me on the weights and I push him on the track. It's a great arrangement.
This morning, however, we had a third join us for the run. He's a guy out of my dorm who had heard about my runs (they really aren't that special but anyone who runs more than a mile is strange here) and wanted to join us.
With three in the pack, we didn't want to hog the track running side-by-side, so we settled into an Indian run. For those who don't know what an Indian run is, it is where the runners travel in a vertical line and the runner in the rear overtakes the pack on each lap or interval. Unfortunately, we did it backwards - the front man dropping to the back.
Believe it or not, it is easier to speed up over a short distance than slow down. This logic kept our front man from dropping back, which meant that the other two guys had to speed up to overtake him. Over a few laps we went from a decent jog to a medium-paced run and we only got faster. I'm not accustomed to so many speed changes and was worn out after only eight laps - about two miles. Doc and the new guy wondered what was wrong with me, but, for some reason, I couldn't keep pace with them.
Hooray! Lockdown is over! It could not have come soon enough.
My cellie was making enough noise to annoy not just me., but the surrounding five cells, too. I expected to get quite a lot of reading done, but only finished one book and got fifty pages into the next (Halting States by Charles Stross and Empire by Orson Scott Card, if you're curious.) The first hot meal on a full tray is always a welcome sight after disappointing johnnies thrice each day.
Yeah, my cellie was out of control all lockdown. One of his friends is in an adjacent cell, so he was constantly banging on the concrete walls, which gave a deep reverberation, and yelling through the vents. When the walls weren't shaking, he was singing to himself in his bunk with his new street-purchased radio, or just making weird noises. When asked to stop, he would take only a temporary break, maybe thirty minutes. When he moved in he said he was glad I as white. "Black guys are too loud," he said. Little did I know he was going to be louder than any cellie I've had yet.
My only respite was a visit from my parents on Sunday. I was surprised to see visitation run during lockdown, but sure wasn't complaining. I might have been a little loony after being in the cell for three days with a noisemaker, but if I was, they didn't say anything. I also got to eat some better fare than the johnnies. Just talking to someone would have been enough, but those two hours felt like a vacation. Today, it's back to normal, and considering the past few days, that's a good thing.
Well, this is unexpected. Lockdown. Only three months after the last one. What a bummer.
Honestly, I'm surprised that it hasn't come earlier. Over the past couple of months there have been some major busts on this unit. One guy had 12 packs of tobacco and just over $1000 in his cell. The tobacco was being cut and package in cigarettes to be distributed around the unit.
Another gut was caught in the hallway with 40 packs of tobacco. He worked outside and had the tobacco dropped off in a ditch in front of the unit, He carried it all the way into the unit in his jacket before being stopped on a whim.
But the one to top them all and send us on a lockdown was pure idiocy. A guy tried to mail $3700 home in a peanut better jar. First, that is a staggering sum of cash, several months work for some. Second, a peanut butter jar?! C'mon, isn't that more than a little suspicious? Even if it's sealed, who in their right mind sends peanut butter home?
So this guy's deficient mental faculties (probably part of the reason he's in prison) caused 1130 men to be locked down and searched. Thanks for the johnnies, semi-daily showers, and 24-hour confinement to my cell.
The Reason For God ~ Timothy Keller- If you center your life and identity on your spouse or partner, you will be emotionally dependent, jealous, and controlling.
- If centered on family and children, you will try to live through your kids until they resent you or have no self of their own. At worst, you may abuse them when they displease you.
- If centered on money and possessions, you will be eaten up by worry or jealousy about money. You'd be willing to do unethical things to maintain your lifestyle, which will eventually blowup your life.
- If centered on pleasure, gratification, or comfort, you will find yourself addicted to something. You will become chained to the "escape strategies" by which you avoid the hardness of life.
- If centered on relationships and approval, you will be constantly overly hurt by criticism and thus always losing friends. You will fear confronting others and therefore be a useless friend.
- If centered on "noble causes", you will divide the world into "good" and "bad" and demonize tour opponents. Ironically, you will be controlled by your enemies. Without them, you have no purpose.
- If centered on religion and morality, you will strive to live up to standards, and will be proud, self-righteous, and cruel. If you don't live up to standards, your guilt will be utterly devastating.
Everybody has to live for something. Whatever that something is becomes "Lord of your life", whether you think of it that way or not. Jesus is the only Lord who, if you receive him, will fulfill you completely, and if you find him, will forgive you eternally.
"Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee!" ~ Saint Augustine
Man, our choir is getting chaotic. We just got a new director a couple of weeks ago. I hope it eventually brings stability, but right now it's just crazy. The new guy isn't used to leading, so the time we have for practice is not spent well. He also isn't very good at encouraging others.
Tonight we had five songs on our agenda for the two hour practice. The first was one that the director had written himself. Unfortunately, his lack of musical skill did not allow him to lead the musicians. When we tried to figure out his key and progression, he quieted us while he tried to work it out on his own. Half an hour later, we finally had it worked out to be reasonably decent, musically speaking.
Next he asked the Hispanics choir members to practice one of their Spanish songs. For a proper practice environment he cleared four-fifths of the choir out of the room, even those who wanted to sing with the Hispanics. I was surprised that he was discouraging participation. I know he means well, but it's just done in a strange way.
We only practiced one other song - for a total of three - so we are pretty far behind for this weekend's services. I pray that God would bring us together as a unit so we can practice and worship completely. I know we'll be alright down the road, but at this stage, we are sorely lacking solid direction.
