monotony = routine = tedium

My life has settled into a kind of slow monotony. Everything is scheduled and predictable. At the moment, the only things I am able to do to mix up the day is change what I read or talk about. I think it's actually changing a lot of my attitudes and behaviors for the worse.

For a long time I was very ambitious and wanted to do all kinds of things to either get out or prepare for life when I get out. I was writing many different people and organizations about help for quicker release and legal help. I made plans and backup plans for living and even came up with a couple of business ideas. I read all kinds of material.

So far, none of that effort has amounted to anything. It seems that it takes ten times the effort and motivation to get things done in here than in the world. A lot of that comes from the barriers put in place by prison and the people who run it, knowingly or not, and, because no one is here to encourage you or help out, it is easy to allow those barriers to get the best of me and cause me to slip into laziness.

I realized today that I have become pretty lazy compared to the way I was when I came to prison. Although I am still an overachiever compared to many of the guys around here, I have a hard time getting much of anything done. I feel like my efforts are wasted, like when I work hard and get no reward, treated the same as all the slackers.

I know this is not the thinking I need and I'm trying to get past it, but it seeems that right now it's just not worth the trouble. I will pull myself out of this, with God's help. I just don;t knwo when it will happen.