Strong Minds, Strong Faith

C. came today! Her visit was such a welcome surprise. I didn't expect anyone to come this weekend, but she did! I really wish that we could have contact visits like at my last unit because the glass is a very unwelcome barrier. I especially miss the hugs.

I don' think it went as well as she wanted because I have been kinda down recently. I don't feel like I'm worth anything to anyone while I'm in here and that I'm at another pointless place wasting my time when I should be outside in school, ministry, and family. I miss life, the real life, not this contrived excuse for one that is lived behind razor wire.

I told someone today that I think that everyone should be in counseling for at least six months. Especially after living in prison and returning to the real world, counseling helps you know who you are and how to help yourself from getting into bad mental states. His response was that you have to be weak-minded to be depressed. To that I said that the world must be full of weak-minded people because there are many people that get depressed out there. I think it takes a strong mind to admit that you are hurting and to seek ways, good healthy ways, to relieve the pain.

Teeth and Other Important Things in Life

Today I had my tooth remounted on my retainer. When I was in the 8th grade I had my left baby incisor pulled because I was getting braces and an adult incisor was not even hiding in my gums. So, when I got my braces taken off, the orthodontist gave me a retainer with a fake tooth attached to keep the spacing and to fill in the unsightly gap between my teeth.

The first retainer broke at a track meet during my senior year in high school when someone stepped on the clothes that protected the retainer while I ran. The new one lasted three years until a few weeks ago when the tooth broke off while I was eating.

I took the tooth to the unit dentist and his suggested solution was Superglue. How's that for precision? Just put a dab of the sticky stuff on the retainer and press the porcelain tight until it sets. Now, three weeks after the break, my teeth have shifted a bit to fill in the gap and the fit is incredibly tight. Hopefully, it will be back to normal in a few days.

A Prayer for Owen Meany - James Irving

"That spring - in the same month - Martin Luther King had been assassinated and Hair had opened on Broadway; the summer of '68 suffered from what would become the society's commonplace blend of the murderous and the trivial...

Watch out for people who call themselves religious. Make sure you know what they mean - make sure they know what they mean."

Practicing Faith

Yeah, the holidays are especially tough. I just missed this Easter, usually a family holiday with color and joy. I have many fond memories of Easters with my family all coming together. So this year, just like at Christmas, I feel left out, aloof, and really depressed. Seeing my folks yesterday was a great diversion but, like I tell the guys when I get back to the dorm, the visits are the best part of the week until they have to leave.

Christmas was much tougher and I actually came to tears just watching a commercial from the local weatherman about his Christmas beliefs. Each member of the evening news team had their own commercial where they talked about their favorite Christmas. Gary Coleman said his favorite Christmas memory was of his parents reminding the kids what the season was all about. He closed with "Happy Birthday, Jesus,"and I was just broken. All the sadness of not being with my family, I realized, was nothing compared to if I was separated from the best friend I could ever want, Jesus the Christ.

A Prayer For Owen Meany - John Irving

"The janitor stopped the clock. That was when I would turn and look; usually our time had expired.

00:00

But this time, when I looked, there was one second left on the clock.

00:01

He had sunk the shot in under four seconds!

'You see what a little faith can do?' said Owen Meany. The brain-damaged janitor was applauding. 'Set the clock to three seconds!' Owen told him.

'Jesus Christ!' I said.

'If we can do it in under four seconds, we can do it in under three,' he said,' It just takes a little more faith.'

'It takes more practice,' I told him irritably.

'Faith takes practice,' said Owen Meany."

The Not-So-Incredible Crash Dummies

There is a term that is used in prison for dumb guys . They are referred to as "crash dummies". A crash dummy is someone who, upon coming to prison, continues to show reckless disregard for the rules. For enjoyment, here is an example from last night.

One of the guys in the dorm has been wanting to get tattoos and apparently wants them quickly. He commenced to set upon a candle to make ink but you may be wondering where you light a candle in a place with no source of flame. Simple: short the power outlet to cause sparks and ignite the candle wick. Now you have to worry about the smoke caused by the flame, so what do you do? First, you take the candle to the bathroom away from the smoke detectors, then you flush continuously to keep sucking the smoke down the toilet.

However, this crash dummy left the candle smoking, stinking up the whole dorm. Oh no! What if a guard comes in and smells everything? Again, a simple solution, crash dummy style: toss baby powder into the air to mask the odor. Now, imagine this going on for 30 minutes and you have an idea of what a crash dummy is.

And to top it all off, he wanted to go ahead and make the needle that night. Instead, he waited a day and knocked out both our water fountain and bathroom lights trying to get electricity for the motor. This is the idiocy that I live with.

A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving

" Ever since the Christmas of '53, I have felt that the yuletide is a special hell for those families who have suffered any loss or who must admit to any imperfection; the so-called spirit of giving can be as greedy as receiving - Christmas is our time to be aware of what we lack, of who's not home."

A Little Dose of Music

Yesterday morning I woke up to one of the greatest sounds ever. Allison Krauss was on TV playing for a James Taylor benefit. Since we don't have any music here except what we see (hear?) on TV, it was awesome to hear Krauss and Taylor playing for an hour with some other artists. Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing John Mayer, Jeff Beck, and Eric Clapton at the Crossroads Festival last year. Thank goodness for PBS' Great Performances. They've had some amazing concerts since I've been here, giving me a little dose of music in an otherwise silent place.

"Meethster! Meethster!"

This entry won't have much to do with prison life but I was reminded of this when a guy told me that the captain is looking for a shoe shiner to clean the guards' boots. The story goes back to my time in Ethiopia.
One day I was coming out of the Hilton Hotel after a swim with some friends in the hot spring-fed pool. An Ethiopian kid, about ten years old, came up to me with a brush, rag, and shoe shine saying "Meethster, meethster! Need clean? Need clean?"

I told him no and kept walking, but he followed me for another twenty yards before I stopped. He got a big smile on his face when I lifted my foot.

After he cleaned my still stained shoes, I said thank you in Amharic and gave him five birr, the Ethiopian currency (about 50 cents.) Still smiling, the kid followed me right by my side to the taxi stop. Just a happy little anecdote from the past...

Not Quite FIFA But...

Yesterday the outside field was opened to play soccer. Hooray! It's been a while since I've played my favorite sport and I was sucking air pretty quickly. My team stayed on the field with a few wins and I scored a couple of goals. I'm so glad we get to play soccer now. Much better than volleyball in my opinion.

Forgotten Genius

Last night some guys gave Shadow a birthday beating. Five of them surrounded him and just pummeled him with blows for about a minute. It's another one of those prison things that I don't understand. I suppose it's because they have nothing else to give except bruises. Seems stupid to me.

Another guy was complaining about the education offered here, saying that it's worth nothing because no one will hire a felon once he gets out of prison. He said that he will just go back to making and selling dope. I told him about people that I've heard about and know that get successful jobs when they get out of prison. It's all in the attitude you approach your freedom with.

I saw a great example of this on PBS's Forgotten Genius featuring Percy Julian. He was a black man who was the foremost premier chemist in the US during the 40's, 50's and 60's, and fought all odds of prejudice to get where he was. All it takes is ambition and a positive attitude and a person can overcome almost anything in this country.

Settling In

Today I went to the infirmary to see if I could get my retainer fixed. The false tooth that was attached to the retainer broke off two days ago. All that happened was a referral to the dentist on Friday and an hour-long wait. I hope things will be fixed soon because my teeth look silly and will start crowding soon.

One thing is for sure: the food here is better than anywhere else so far. It actually looks and tastes like (or at least close to) what the menu says it is. Everywhere else the food has been bland or nauseating.

Because I didn't do anything during the day except read and sleep, I went to volleyball at rec tonight. It will be a while before I get used to playing again, that's for sure. At least I'm not absolutely terrible.

I'm really looking forward to mail catching up with me, though. I really need some paper to reply to people. Hopefully, I'll be able to go to commissary this week so I can restock. I didn't realize how much I needed the constant encouragement of friends, family, and C.. I'm so blessed to have so much support.

Learning in Wartime*

Turns out I am much closer to home now in a new TDC facility that is a converted TYC (Texas Youth Commission) facility that was shut down last year. I actually toured this unit when I was on juvenile probation for my current charge. They've changed a few things but it's still raggedy and feels like you live underground in a bomb shelter, never going outside or seeing the sun for any amount of time. Not good for a guy who loves the outdoors.

The whole unit is an education unit for offenders up to 27 years old so no older guys to be a mentor to me. The idea behind the unit is cool - setting up young felons with an education and skills for their release. I will be able to accelerate my associates degree while here, hopefully being able to use my first year at community college for credit. But I don't want education in prison because I should be outside getting my education from the same honors program I started with and that the justice system took away from me. Thanks, TDCJ, for stealing my education and giving me a half-rate one instead.

*Learning in Wartime - C.S. Lewis

"If men had postponed the search for knowledge and beauty until they were secure, the search never would have begun... Life has never been normal. Even those periods which we think most tranquil turn out to be full of crises, alarms, difficulties, and emergencies.

There is no question of compromise between the claims of God and the claims of culture, or politics, or anything else. God's claim is infinite and inexorable. You can refuse it, or you can try to begin to grant it. There is no middle way. Yet, in spite of this, it is clear that Christianity does not exclude any of the ordinary human activities. The solution of this paradox is, of course, well-known to you. "Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

A cultural life will exist outside the church whether it exists or not. To be ignorant and simple now - not to be able to meet the enemies on their own ground - would be to throw down our weapons and to betray our uneducated brethren who have, under God, no defense but us against the intellectual attacks of the heathen. Good philosophy must exist, if for no other reason, because bad philosophies need to be answered."

All is Flux; Nothing Stays Still*

Today while getting commissary I got a big surprise: I'm being transferred. I have no idea where or why. I haven't requested transfer or had any major cases. I don't have any medical problems. The only thing I can think of is that my case is being reviewed and I am being sent back to county jail. That's highly unlikely, though. I really have no clue what's going on. Reminds me of my last entry, having to move at any time even if I don't want to.

Another thing that's disappointing is that C. was supposed to visit this weekend. She probably won't know about my transfer until she makes the 4 1/2 hour drive to my unit, and I can't get word to her in time because the mail is too slow. She is going to waste 9 hours and 2 tanks of gas... terrible. I can't stand this lifestyle.


* "All is flux; nothing stays still" - Heraclitus

Life as a Sardine

I woke up this morning with a tug on my covers.

"Grab your property and go to B dorm."

I didn't think I got a job change and I knew that I hadn't had disciplinary action. Why was I moving?

I went out and told another guy that I was moving and he said "Are you sure? Could just be taking stuff to property to give to your folks when they visit."

So I groggily went out to the picket to ask and, sure enough, it was only dropping off stuff for a visit.

It made me realize that, not only do I live in a tin warehouse packed like a sardine, but they can tell me to move to another sardine can at any time, taking all my possessions (which fit in a small footlocker.) Quite a sobering epiphany.

I long for the outdoors, driving my car, or just being able to sit on a couch - at least something with padding. A pillow would be nice, too. I will certainly appreciate the simple things when I get out.